Advice from a widow: How to cope with the grief of losing a loved one
Deb Rae is a bereavement expert and author of “Getting There”, a resource to support young widows through grief and loss.
My husband Stuart died when we were both 36 years old. Stu and I had been married for 14 years when we discovered we couldn't have children, so we decided to live our dream and travel the world teaching English. At 36 years old, we sold our home, our car, quit our jobs and headed off to Poland. But after only five months there, Stu was hit by a car on a pedestrian crossing one night. I lost my best friend, my job, my home and any interest in a future.
From that moment, everything about my life changed. I had to leave Poland and had no job, home, car or interest in my future. I considered myself a very capable, independent person but I seriously underestimated the strength we draw from a caring, long-term relationship. I moved back to my hometown where my (and Stu's) family live, but I discovered I was completely hopeless at asking for or receiving help. I struggled to communicate what was happening for me and I felt very isolated, bewildered and wondering if it would ever end.
I felt there were a lot of expectations on me about things like how long my grief should take, where I should live, how much I should cry and that I should “be strong”. I also felt like I was seen as weak or a victim, which made life more difficult.
I understand now though, that grief is normal and natural. It helps us to process what’s happened and work our way through to building a different life where we remember the person we love and stay living in the present. I know how to take care of myself now (physically, mentally and emotionally) and be my own best friend. I also learned the immense value of gratitude and what it really means to have a purpose. Grief nearly ruined me, but it also taught me how to make grieving easier for others.
Since I published Getting There, I’ve discovered that grief has many commonalities across ages, genders and experiences. Older men and women, people who have divorced and parents whose children have left home also tell me my book resonates for them as they deal with their losses. We connect and understand the pain of grief, and the love of what we lost. While our situations may be different, we have similar grief reactions and can learn from and support each other.
Coping with grief and loss
- Although you might want to be alone sometimes, be careful not to isolate yourself. Your friends, family and other supports will keep you connected and focused in the present.
- Look after yourself, physically and mentally. Reading a great book, being with friends or going for a quiet walk are not luxuries – you need them to keep yourself healthy.
- Have realistic expectations for yourself. There can be a lot of stress that comes with grief, and your world can be overwhelming. Be proud of yourself for doing little things that now probably take huge amounts of effort.
- Know your purpose - maybe it’s being there for your children, experiencing the joy of grandchildren, creating a beautiful garden or travelling. Use it to get you out of bed every day.
- Maintain hope – you only need the tiniest flicker to keep you going. Grief is horrible and can seem like it will never end, but it really is temporary. Eventually the pain will get less and the stretches of happiness will get bigger.
- Talk with others who’ve experienced a loss, or get some resources that help you understand that grieving is normal, natural and necessary, and what might happen along the way.
How you can help a loved one
- The first and most important thing to do is to understand that grieving is a personal, individual journey. You’ll be frustrated (and not very helpful) if you expect things to happen in a certain timeframe or in a neat linear pattern. Grief takes as long as it takes.
- Sometimes a person dealing with a loss won’t know what help they need, where to start, or how to ask. They may be really appreciative of your practical help, like turning up with a home-cooked meal, mowing their lawn, doing some shopping or running errands.
- The person who is grieving needs to be able to maintain some power over their lives and make their own decisions. They might appreciate some support to do that, but be careful of giving advice of too much information for them to deal with. You really don’t need to always know what to say, or have all the answers, because often there just aren’t any. The best gift you can give the person is to just be with them. Create a space where they can express whatever’s happening for them in that moment in the way they need to.
- Quite often staff members are not given the tools to deal with someone who is grieving for example after the death of a loved one when dealing with banks, solicitors, financial advisors and service providers. It is important to make sure that we are equipping our staff with the tools to effectively support colleagues and customers with their grief. Being understanding of their situation having realistic expectations of them and supporting them to make decisions.
Related links:
3 reasons being an anxious person is a good thing
5 extraordinarily simple ways to be happy