5 signs of verbal abuse
So many people dismiss these signs as petty, but constant character attacks often indicate something much worse than just a disagreement. When does fighting or yelling cross the line into verbal abuse? Look out for these signs.
1. They make sweeping generalisations
People who are verbally abusive tend to move beyond an individual disagreement with another person and instead become critical of entire groups. This could be a gender, religion, profession or political group. For example, a partner might become abusive and dismiss your opinion because “all women are stupid”. This makes it very hard for you to ever put forward your point or have your opinion understood as the other party has already negated it.
2. They attack the things you love
In a standard argument, most people would never stoop to insulting someone’s family, friends or beliefs. Verbal abuse however often goes straight for these very personal subjects. Negative comments about things that you hold dear are extremely offensive and designed specifically to upset you.
3. They try to pretend it was a joke
“Don’t get so upset, I was just joking” is a common phrase spoken by people who are verbally abusive. It can work in two ways. Firstly, the abuser can absolve themselves of any responsibility because ‘they were just joking’. Often people who are abusive still want to feel good about themselves, so employ tricks like this to rewrite the narrative. Secondly, it means that you are not allowed to get upset or angry in response to them. They have stripped you of your power and dismissed your genuine emotions, turning you instead into someone who ‘can’t take a joke’.
4. It sticks with you
Everyone has disagreements and at some point will have raised their voice to a partner or child. These are usually forgotten quite quickly and everyone moves on with no real harm done. One of the signs that this has crossed over into the realm of verbal abuse is if you find yourself unable to forget it. The words have genuinely wounded you and you are unable to let go. Verbal abuse can begin to alter how you think about yourself and have seriously damaging effects in the long term.
5. You feel nervous around them
When everything you say or do is met with a torrent of abuse, then it’s only natural that you will start to feel nervous. You shouldn't be so worried about what someone will say that it impacts your usual behaviour. If you find yourself mentally editing your conversations so as not to provoke the other person, then it’s likely that their behaviour has crossed the line into genuine abuse.
Related links:
Why you should see a marriage counsellor
How to move on from a heart-wrenching breakup
Why people stay in unhappy relationships