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"I miss her daily": Fergie opens up on friendship with Diana

As the Duchess of York wraps up her visit Down Under, she has shared some of her most cherished memories in an interview with 9Honey. Following a busy schedule of meet and greets as part of her book tour, Sarah Ferguson opened up on her friendship with the late Princess Diana, who, like the duchess, is a beloved member of the royal family. "The thing about Diana was that she had the best sense of humour of any single person I know – that's quite a big thing, so it's a really big hole because she'd get my sense of humour," the duchess told the publication. "It's really, really hard to really make me cackle with laughter like she used to. "And so, yes, I miss her daily, and I think in the '80s it was just her and I, wasn't it?" The two women were brought together by their marriages to then Prince Charles and Prince Andrew, and the royal affectionately recalled their strong bond. "There isn't anybody else to know, really, what we know because there was no social media and it was just newspaper headlines. "I was so proud of her, what she achieved, and she would be SO proud of her grandchildren. "Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine? She would be just loving every moment. "She was a great lady, and she still is a great lady." The duchess was originally scheduled to visit Australia in October, after she was invited by her Western Australia-based publisher, Serenity Press to showcase her commitment to literature, wellness and empowerment. However, she postponed her visit to not overshadow the King and Queen's tour. The soon to be grandmother of four celebrated the launch of her newest books including Flora & Fern: Wonder in the Woods which is a children's book, and Fabulous Food Art, which is a cookbook she created in collaboration with Melbourne mother and TikTok star Laleh Mohmedi, of Jacob's Food Diaries. Image: Alisdair Macdonald/ Shutterstock Editorial

Family & Pets

Readers response: What’s the longest friendship you’ve had, and what has kept it strong?

When it comes. to friendships, it has long been said that people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. These "lifetime" relationships are often the friends we made when we were young, who have been by our side through thick and thin. We asked our readers what their longest friendships have been and what made them so strong, and the response was overwhelming. Here's what they said. Linda Cox - 72 years. We were toddlers when we met and even though we have lived on opposite sides of the planet for the last 50 years, we are still best friends. Rae Meihuizen - 62 years. We met as a school friend of my cousin. He was my best man at my wedding and still a very dear friend to this day. Jennie Harley - My friend from school in Sydney living in same street. Although we live a long way apart & haven’t actually seen each other in many years, our phone calls, although sometimes we are both very slack, the relationship is always the same. No explaining things from the past just mutual understanding and love. Marilyn Carter - 60 years. We all met doing our hairdressing apprenticeship. We love each other so much and do anything for each and every one of us. Guila Kelly - Met at age 4 in prekinder. Born 2 weeks apart, both turn 80 shortly. Never a cross word. Marjorie Smith - 82 years. Met at school in NZ when we were 10 years old. Still friends but in different countries. My friend was one of our bridesmaids in 1954. Margaret Inglis - 74 years. Our mums were next to each other in hospital when we were born. I'm a day older, but even when my parents moved, Jennie and I would spend a few days each school holidays at each other's places. In 1969 I moved to Australia (from NZ) and we STILL catch up via FB etc. Went back to NZ for a few days about 7 years ago, yep, met up again and it was like we'd never been apart. Ros Bieg - 64yrs. Unconditional friendship and sooo many memories. Margaret Woodhouse - 68 years. We met at 12 and are 80 this year. Both totally different in personality, but tolerant of the differences and respect each other’s beliefs. Live in different states in Australia but FaceTime twice a week and spend 3-4 weeks together every year. Image credits: Shutterstock

Relationships

Why do we love to see unlikely animal friendships? A psychology expert explains

<div class="theconversation-article-body"><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/shane-rogers-575838">Shane Rogers</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a> The internet is awash with stories and videos of unlikely animal friendships, often with many millions of views. This content typically shows animals from different species showing affection to one another, signifying a bond or even a “friendship”. These relationships have been captured in people’s homes, such as with <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-10/meet-unlikely-friends-peggy-the-dog-and-molly-the-magpie/100447022">Molly the magpie and Peggy the dog</a>, in zoos, <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-04/bear-lion-and-tiger-make-an-affectionate,-gentle-family/7222462">such as with</a> Baloo the bear, Leo the lion and Shere Khan the tiger, and even <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BvB0182xag&t=2300s">in the wild</a>, such as one case of <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/fox-cat-friendship_n_4268629">a fox and cat living together</a> in Turkey. <figure><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fdxU6CpvUgg?wmode=transparent&start=19" width="440" height="260" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></figure> A plethora of research on <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-020-66407-w.pdf">primates</a>, <a href="https://blog.mybirdbuddy.com/post/can-birds-form-friendships">birds</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-social-lives-of-kangaroos-are-more-complex-than-we-thought-213770">kangaroos</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/male-dolphins-use-their-individual-names-to-build-a-complex-social-network-97780">dolphins</a>, <a href="https://www.mdpi.com/2076-2615/8/11/191">horses</a>, <a href="https://www.mdpi.com/2076-2615/12/1/126">cats</a> and <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-05669-y">dogs</a> has shown many non-human animals can develop deep social bonds with their own kind. And while inter-species bonding hasn’t been studied to the same extent, videos like those mentioned above show animals from different species displaying the same affection to each other as they would to their own, such as through cuddling, playing and grooming. Why do we, as people, find these stories so enjoyable? Answering this question requires us to consider some of the nicer aspects of our own nature. <h2>When animals reflect us</h2> Witnessing animals get along well together isn’t just cute, it can also make us feel like we have things in common with other species, and feel more connected with the other life on the planet. <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00976/full">Decades of research</a> reveals how feeling connected to nature fosters happiness in humans. <figure><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PrJi-P61aLY?wmode=transparent&start=7" width="440" height="260" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></figure> While the mechanisms behind inter-species bonding are not fully understood, <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnbeh.2022.994504/full">one 2022 research review</a> suggests the mechanisms that operate in other animals’ brains during social interactions with their own are similar to those that operate in human brains. The researchers suggest that, due to the evolution of common brain mechanisms, animals engaged in social interaction may experience similar emotions to humans who engage with their own friends or loved ones. So while it’s very hard to know what this subjective social experience is like for other animals – after all, they can’t report it on a questionnaire – there’s no reason to think it isn’t similar to our own. <figure><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZVMsdz7aZpk?wmode=transparent&start=102" width="440" height="260" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></figure> <h2>Humans like co-operation and pleasant surprises</h2> Humans have <a href="https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rspb.2022.0128">evolved to enjoy co-operation</a>, which might also help explain why we enjoy seeing co-operation between different animal species. <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/lifematters/competition-versus-cooperation:-which-human-instinct-is-stronge/10291360">Some scholars</a> suggest the human instinct for co-operation is even stronger than our instinct for competition. Another reason we may be drawn to unlikely animal friendships is that they are, in fact, so unlikely. These interactions are surprising, and research shows humans <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/neuroscientists-learn-why/">enjoy being surprised</a>. Our brain has <a href="https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/239331/study-reveals-human-brains-have-evolved/">evolved to be incredibly efficient</a> at categorising, solving problems and learning. Part of the reason we’re so efficient is because we are motivated to seek new knowledge and question what we think we know. In other words, we’re motivated to be <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4635443/">curious</a>. Inter-species friendships are indeed a very curious thing. They contradict the more common assumption and observation that different species stick with their own kind. We might think “cats eat birds, so they must not like each other”. So when we see <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGsN7jzp5DE">a cat and a bird</a> getting along like old pals, this challenges our concept of how the natural world works. <figure><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bGsN7jzp5DE?wmode=transparent&start=0" width="440" height="260" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></figure> Neuroscientists have documented that, when surprised, humans experience a release of brain chemicals responsible for making us <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unexpected-brain-chemistry-is-behind-the-element-of-surprise/">more alert</a> and <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0896627320308539">sensitive to reward</a>. It is this neurochemical reaction that produces the “pleasantness” in the feeling of being pleasantly surprised. <h2>A desire for peace and harmony</h2> Perhaps another explanation for why humans are so intrigued by inter-species friendships is because they feed a human desire for peace and harmony. These connections may be symbolic of what many people yearn for: a world where differences can be put aside in favour of a peaceful co-existence. These friendships might even prompt us to imagine, consciously or subconsciously, a future in which we become more enlightened as a species. One could argue a key reason behind the success of the TV series <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANnFNfVuZeM">Star Trek</a> is its <a href="https://jacobin.com/2023/08/star-trek-solidarity-utopianism-technology-postcapitalism">optimistic take on the future of humanity</a>. Inter-species co-operation is a central theme of the show. Inter-species friendships may serve as a concrete example of breaking free of the “natural” way of being for a more peaceful way of being. And while it might only be a dream, it’s nice to watch cute animal videos that help us feel like this dream might be possible.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/230548/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <figure><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/_BvB0182xag?wmode=transparent&start=1880" width="440" height="260" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></figure> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/shane-rogers-575838">Shane Rogers</a>, Lecturer in Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a> Image credits: Shutterstock This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-do-we-love-to-see-unlikely-animal-friendships-a-psychology-expert-explains-230548">original article</a>. </div>

Family & Pets

Maintaining friendships after a dementia diagnosis can spur feelings of joy and self-worth

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/colleen-whyte-1281976">Colleen Whyte</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/brock-university-1340">Brock University</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/darla-fortune-1363967">Darla Fortune</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/concordia-university-1183">Concordia University</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/rebecca-genoe-1363968">Rebecca Genoe</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-regina-3498">University of Regina</a> What would our lives be like if we could no longer depend on our most cherished friendships? The people who know us best, who have been there through our ups and downs, and share a history with us? For many people living with dementia, this is a reality. Over 500,000 Canadians <a href="https://alzheimer.ca/en/about-dementia/what-dementia/dementia-numbers-canada">are currently living with dementia</a>, and a diagnosis often leads to <a href="https://www.alzscot.org/news/friendship-and-dementia">a loss of friendships</a> and social opportunities. The reactions of friends greatly affect the experience of someone living with dementia. When friends distance themselves because they don’t know what to say or presume they no longer know how to interact with their friend, a person with dementia can experience <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/275353356_Friendships_for_People_Living_with_Dementia_in_Long-Term_Care">feelings of isolation and loneliness</a>. When people living with dementia can depend on their friends, they continue to enjoy meaningful leisure activities, experience <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/ageing/afx186">feelings of joy and self-worth</a>, and see themselves as <a href="https://alzheimer.ca/en/take-action/become-dementia-friendly/meaningful-engagement-people-living-dementia">valued members of their social circles</a>. <a href="https://dementiaandfriendship.ca/">Our research</a> had us interview friends together, asking them to share tips and strategies for navigating dementia. We heard moving stories of deepened bonds of friendship, genuine acceptance and the joy of simply being together. <h2>Adapting to changes</h2> Our research allowed us to speak with people who shared a 70-year friendship and couldn’t imagine life without each other. We learned that for some, a neighbourhood walk together was an opportunity to say a quick hello and how a weekly trip to the pub enabled some friends to connect and re-connect in a familiar space. People living with dementia and their friends <a href="https://doi.org/10.1017/S0714980821000301">may adapt to changes</a> brought about by the diagnosis in several ways. For example, they may prioritize their friendship by setting aside time for regular phone calls and visits. They may alter the way they think about the friendship by being accepting of the changes. They may also use practical strategies, like providing reminders for plans, and offering additional support when spending time together. Friends of individuals living with dementia may seek ways to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1471301220980898">continue enjoying meaningful time together</a>. Sometimes this involves identifying activities that are comfortable and familiar. It may also involve providing direction and encouragement to support the continuation of enjoyable experiences, such as visiting a favourite restaurant. For some, additional comfort may come from hanging out as a group because there is extra support available if needed. <h2>Open and honest communication</h2> Open and honest communication is key to maintaining any friendship and becomes particularly important following a diagnosis of dementia. Yet, that may be the biggest challenge. Below are <a href="https://dementiaandfriendship.ca/">some questions that friends might find helpful</a> to ask over a cup of coffee, on a walk or in a quiet, shared moment: <ul> <li>What do you value about our friendship? Can I tell you what our friendship means to me?</li> <li>What is one thing I do that makes you laugh? Here’s something you do that makes me laugh…</li> <li>How can we make sure we maintain our friendship (i.e., talk on the phone, over the internet, go for coffee)? How often do you want to connect? How do we need to change our time together? What can stay the same?</li> <li>How can we support each other to continue enjoying the leisure activities that are meaningful to us?</li> <li>What are the best times and days to plan activities (i.e., morning, afternoon, weekday, weekend)? Are there exceptions?</li> <li>Do we need to schedule something in advance (need time to prepare, or get more rest the day before) or can we be spontaneous?</li> <li>Where do you feel safe and able to be yourself?</li> <li>When we are in public and you need me to step in for you, how will I know? What is “our” signal?</li> <li>What do I do if I notice you’re starting to make decisions that are not like you?</li> <li>Can I ask you these same questions in a few weeks?</li> </ul> The need for friendship <a href="https://alzheimer.ca/en/help-support/im-living-dementia/living-well-dementia/staying-socially-connected">does not diminish with age</a> and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/happiness-in-world/201312/the-true-meaning-friendship">friendships continue to deeply enrich our lives</a>. Given that a dementia diagnosis often puts individuals at an increased risk of social isolation, we must pay careful attention to understanding ways to ensure that friends remain engaged with their networks in personal and meaningful ways. The first step is to trust in the friendship and begin to explore how it can be sustained over time.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/187038/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/colleen-whyte-1281976">Colleen Whyte</a>, Associate Professor in the Department of Recreation and Leisure Studies, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/brock-university-1340">Brock University</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/darla-fortune-1363967">Darla Fortune</a>, Associate Professor, Applied Human Sciences, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/concordia-university-1183">Concordia University</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/rebecca-genoe-1363968">Rebecca Genoe</a>, Professor, Kinesiology and Health Studies, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-regina-3498">University of Regina</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/maintaining-friendships-after-a-dementia-diagnosis-can-spur-feelings-of-joy-and-self-worth-187038">original article</a>.

Relationships

Embracing friendships in adulthood: A guide to making meaningful connections

Navigating the landscape of friendship in adulthood might initially appear daunting, but the profound impact that it can have on our mental well-being is huge. Not only do friendships foster a sense of camaraderie, but they nurture feelings of belonging and acceptance. Important at every life stage, it’s not uncommon to encounter challenges in building new friendships as we age and embark on differing paths. However, Jacqui Manning, Resident Psychologist at Connected Women, a female-driven organisation dedicated to cultivating friendships for women over 50, is here to impart her invaluable tips and tricks, paving the way for a friend-finding journey that unfolds with ease and fulfilment. “Forming new friendships in adulthood may take a little more time and effort, but it doesn’t have to be scary,” Jacqui explains. “Approaching the prospect of making a friend with genuine curiosity and a shared interest can transform the experience into an exciting journey rather than a daunting task. Focus on common ground, be open-minded, and embrace the adventure of getting to know someone new. By emphasising shared interests and creating a comfortable, judgment-free space, the process of making a friend becomes a welcoming exploration rather than an intimidating challenge." Stay Open It can be a slippery slope once we let our thoughts spiral into the possibility of rejection. Instead of worrying, why not consider all the opportunities to grow a connection? Jacqui explains, “As we age, the energy we have to make friends can dwindle, making it natural to withdraw into the comfort of our own shell. However, the need for connection is as strong as ever. This serves as an important reminder to be open. Deeper connections won’t have the chance to form if we keep one another at arm’s length so engage in conversations about hobbies and discuss any goals or anxieties openly, as it is through this openness that a profound connection is likely to be forged. Find Your Community Finding a group of new friends could be as simple as enjoying your favourite pastime. Like attracts like, and finding a like-minded group who share similar interests could be the key to unlocking more meaningful relationships. “Whether it’s joining a book club, cooking class, yoga, or bonding over a game of cards, whatever your passion may be, start by kicking off a conversation with someone who participates in a shared activity. While exploring a new hobby is fantastic, consider turning your attention closer to home and connecting with those who already share your interests,” Jacqui adds. Take Note Long-lasting friendships can fill gaps in our life we never knew existed. As Jacqui explains, “Take note of how supported you currently feel and if there are any areas that may need a little nudge. Reflection will invariably help to narrow down the type of friendship you may be seeking and allow you to better understand your own needs. Through self-reflection, you gain invaluable insights that not only pinpoint the specific type of friendship you might be yearning for but also enhance your understanding of your own emotional requirements. This conscious exploration becomes a compass, guiding you toward the relationships that can truly fulfil and enrich your life.” The journey of making friendships in adulthood is not without its challenges, but the rewards are immeasurable. As Jacqui reminds us, being open to new connections, actively engaging in shared interests, and conducting self-reflection are key elements in fostering meaningful relationships. “The path to forming long-lasting bonds involves stepping out of our comfort zones, whether by joining a new group, pursuing shared activities, or simply initiating conversations. Remember, the richness of these connections lies not just in the joy of shared experiences but also in the support and understanding they provide,” Jacqui concludes, Friendships in adulthood are well worth investing in, providing fulfilment, support, and the delight of shared moments. So, embrace the adventure, take note of your needs, and savour the delight of building connections that truly enrich your life. Ready to try your hand at building new friendships? Visit <a href="https://www.connectedwomen.net" target="_blank" rel="noopener">connectedwomen.net </a> About Connected Women Jacqui Manning is the Resident Psychologist at Connected Women, bringing with her over two decades of experience. Founded in 2022, Connected Women facilitates friendships for women over 50 through a range of online and in-person events. With the rising epidemic of loneliness impacting Australians now more than ever, Connected Women aims to provide a community in which women can feel free to be themselves, connect with like-minded women and build life-long friendships. Launched in Perth, Western Australia, Connected Women now also operates in New South Wales and Victoria, with plans to grow its network to Queensland, the Australian Capital Territory and South Australia in the coming year. With a small monthly membership fee, women can join Connected Women events, share, and connect over areas of interest, and connect with women in their local areas to arrange meet-ups. Whether members prefer big events with lots of action and adventure, or quiet meetups around the local neighbourhood, Connected Women is committed to providing a safe and inclusive space for women to find their feet and build new friendships in a space that feels most comfortable to them. Image credits: Getty Images

Relationships

The transformative power of effective communication

Effective communication can be hard and it’s not something that can come easily to us. Yet it's an important tool to invest in as it can have a profound impact on relationship healing, self-discovery and navigating life’s challenges. While the significance of good communication resonates at any stage in life, its value becomes even more pronounced as we age, emerging as an increasingly invaluable tool for fostering understanding, connection, and resilience in both our romantic, and platonic relationships. Jacqui Manning is a Resident Psychologist at Connected Women, an organisation that facilitates friendships for women over 50 through a range of online and in-person events. Here, Jacqui shares how effective communication can elevate and enrich your life across various scenarios and shares her top tips on how to become a more effective communicator. “It’s crucial for us at any stage in life to pause, reflect and make an investment in refining our communication skills, as it’s important to recognise the pivotal role it plays in personal growth and meaningful connections,” explains Jacqui. “While we navigate the complexities of life, effective communication becomes crucial for elevating every interaction, good or bad. Now is the opportune moment to seize the power that effective communication can have and implement it into a multitude of scenarios and day-to-day interactions.” Fixing Broken Friendships Let's talk about something many of us have experienced – the breakdown of a friendship. It’s a universal encounter that resonates with many. Whether you take divergent paths, differ in your evolving priorities or due to unforeseen conflicts, the unravelling of a friendship can be a poignant and challenging chapter in women’s lives. Yet, it is precisely within these moments of fracture that the potential for growth, resilience and renewal emerges. “Effective communication serves as the mender of the fractures within a broken relationship. When nurtured with openness, honesty and empathy, communication allows individuals to express their feelings, share perspectives and understand each other’s needs,” explains Jacqui. “This positive communication fosters a sense of mutual respect, enabling individuals to rebuild trust and create a foundation for a healthier, more resilient friendship. It’s the key to unlocking understanding, finding common ground, and revitalising the emotional bonds that may have been strained. In essence, the power of effective communication lies in its ability to reconcile differences and pave the way for a renewed and strengthened connection.” Navigating Life's Challenges Effective communication isn't just a solution for broken friendships; it's also a compass for when life gets tough. According to Jacqui, when facing obstacles, the act of vocalising your concerns or feelings to a friend or partner can be a transformative experience. “Verbalising your thoughts and feelings not only clarifies your own understanding but also allows those close to you to provide valuable perspective and insights. Sharing your problems takes the weight off your shoulders and offers a sense of relief.” Jacqui continues “In the act of confiding, you not only release the emotional burden but also open the door to shared solutions and a mutual journey towards growth and resilience. It transforms a solitary struggle into a collaborative effort, strengthening the bonds that tie individuals together. Effective communication therefore becomes a powerful tool for not only navigating life’s trails but also for fostering resilience, deepening connections, and finding solace.” Embracing Your True Self In the middle stage of life, many women grapple with questions about who they really are and what they want. Jacqui suggests that effective communication can serve as a powerful tool for self-discovery and acceptance, paving the way to embracing one’s true self. She explains, “When we articulate our thoughts, feelings and aspirations, whether through self-reflection or sharing with others, it brings our authentic identity to the forefront. “In conversations where we openly communicate our values and beliefs, we not only strengthen our understanding of who we are but also create spaces for acceptance and validation. In this process, we find liberation and empowerment and connectedness, as our true self is celebrated and allowed to flourish,” she said. So, how can you become a more effective communicator? Jacqui recommends the following five tips: Empower with Language: Be mindful of your words, choosing language that uplifts and encourages rather than criticises or blames. Language is a powerful tool; use it to empower those around you. Clear Expression: Clearly articulate your feelings and emotions, avoiding assumptions and accusations. Use “I” statements to express your perspective without placing blame, fostering open communication. Empathy: Try to understand how others feel by putting yourself in their shoes and allowing space for others to express themselves fully, resisting the urge to rush to conclusions or judgment or tell a story to explain. Vulnerability: Embrace vulnerability as a source of strength. Don’t be afraid to share your authentic self, including fears, concerns, and challenges, to build trust and strengthen connections with others. Solution Focussed Dialogue: Approach conversations with a focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems. This forward-thinking mindset contributes to a more positive and constructive discourse. Effective communication isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. It's a journey of self-discovery and connection. It has the potential to mend bonds, guide you through life's challenges, and empower you to be your true self. We need to remember to take a step back, re-evaluate our communication and identify areas for improvement. For more information visit <a href="https://www.connectedwomen.net" target="_blank" rel="noopener">connectedwomen.net </a> About Connected Women Jacqui Manning is the resident psychologist at Connected Women, bringing with her over two decades of experience. Founded in 2022, Connected Women facilitates friendships for women over 50 through a range of online and in-person events. With the rising epidemic of loneliness impacting Australians now more than ever - Connected Women aims to provide a community in which women can feel free to be themselves, connect with like-minded women and build life-long friendships. Launched in Perth, Western Australia, Connected Women now also operates in NSW and Victoria, with plans to grow its network to QLD, ACT and SA in the coming year. With a small monthly membership fee, women can join Connected Women events, share and connect over areas of interest, and connect with women in their local areas to arrange meet ups. Whether members prefer big events with lots of action and adventure, or quiet meet ups and walks around the local neighbourhood, Connected Women is committed to providing a safe and inclusive space for women to find their feet and build new friendships in a space that feels most comfortable to them. Image credits: Getty Images

Relationships

How friendship changes as the years advance

"You know the sort of thing you fantasise about when you are standing having a . . .?" Thus began an opening sally in a recent conversation. Such a beginning reveals a thoroughly satisfying degree of intimacy, acceptance, self-disclosure and a very easy familiarity. We found it extremely heart-warming to be its recipients, as we both were recently from a (clearly) close friend. It set me wondering about friendship, closeness, nurturance, and, as usual, the meaning of life in general. Singer/humourist Greg Tamblyn put it nicely: "Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway." A dictionary type of definition of friendship runs something like 'Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection' and liking between two (or more) people." And plenty of work has been done on the topic by researchers who might well have begun with puzzlement about their own friendship patterns. What is important, as was definitely demonstrated by our friend, is self-disclosure. But there has to be some reciprocity here. If I tell a potential friend about my unsightly and ill-positioned warts or my liking for kippers and jam I expect some similarly horrifying self-disclosure in return. Beyond self-disclosure and reciprocity, there comes a swag of characteristics that one would like to see in a written reference (preferably about oneself). Unconditional support, acceptance, loyalty and trust and all of this to be expressed openly. At this point, you might well be thinking that true friendship is a bit hard to come by. It gets worse. Researchers have shown that absolutely crucial in the development of friendship is that the potential friend supports what they call one's social identity. Roughly speaking this means that we like our friends to confirm how we see ourselves (tall, handsome, even-handed, mellow etc rather than the reality of a short somewhat indifferent appearance, biased and a touch grumpy). This support of what might well be our deluded view of self is thought to boost our self-esteem. It might also be leading us even further up the garden path, so the occasional cold shower of social reality could be useful. However, more research has demonstrated that there are four ways to maintain a bond of friendship once it has been made. More self-disclosure, more supportiveness, a fair amount of contact and a relatively unfailing positivity. All of which takes a bit of doing. Some interesting questions have not yet been answered by those who study friendship rather than courting it. To put the perennial late-night-after-a-few-drinks question - can there be cross-gender friendships without sex? The jury remains out on this, but it is perhaps something that becomes less problematic with age. This reminds me of what I intended to be the main point here and that is that we become better at the whole business of friendship in later years. We become more picky and tend to have fewer but deeper friendships that we can count on. Much of the mere acquaintanceship of earlier years disappear in favour of an increase in all of those sterling qualities already described. However, the clever Oliver Burkeman, in his Guardian column recently drew attention to a problem of friendship in the modern world; namely, the number of friends. It used to be that with developments in qualifications, jobs, marriage and so on people would change communities, leave old friends behind and make new ones, probably keeping the overall number reasonably constant. Modern communication means that we can easily keep all of our friends, new ones simply adding to the number. So, our friends might be less densely linked these days. And that is not so good, because friends that are physically close to us will probably talk about us more often, something which Burkeman believes strengthens the general social fabric. I can think of instances in which it might well weaken it. In spite of all this musing, it might be better not to think too much about how to make friends. The title of a popular book years ago was How to make friends and influence people. That's the problem; think about these things too much and it all seems to be a bit contrived and manipulative and that changes everything. George Carlin put it very well. "One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of every four murders are committed by people who know the victim." Thinking of this, Jim Hayes suggested that "A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a body." Garry Shandling should have the final word though, with "My friends tell me that I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Image credit: Shutterstock Written by Ken Strongman. Republished with permission of <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Stuff.co.nz.</a>

Mind

4 crucial ways to keep old friendships strong

As you age it can be quite common to have fewer friends than you did in your twenties or thirties. Family commitments, distance and health issues can all play a part in the changes to your friendships. So it’s more important than ever to nurture and develop the relationships that you do have. 1. Keep it real Instead of texting or emailing, try to make a point of calling a friend to catch up or ideally meeting up regularly. Nothing beats face to face communication for strengthening bonds. If they’re too far away, try to arrange a time to meet up in the future so that you both have something to look forward to. Why not send them a letter with an invitation – it’s much more personal than an email. 2. Always be honest If a friend is bothering you or you just have a lot going on and can’t catch up – always just be honest with them. Saying something like ‘I have a lot on my plate this month, can we catch up another time’ is a lot better than ignoring phone calls and being aloof. And remember that nobody is a mind reader, so tell them how you are feeling if something is not quite right. 3. Be there to offer help when needed If a friend is sick, bereaved, or just seems down – be the first one to step in and offer a hand. Dropping off a meal or a cake, offering to walk their dog or collecting some groceries for them is a great help that will be appreciated. Know that they would do the same for you if the roles were reversed. 4. Keep a diary Sometimes friends can get frustrated if they feel that they are doing all the organising for catch ups. Why not keep a diary and make notes for yourself for when you should contact someone to say hello or to plan a weekend away. It will stop you from double booking yourself, and will also help you keep track of birthdays and special anniversaries. Image credit: Shutterstock

Relationships

The power of friendship in retirement

Megan Giles, Retirement Transition Consultant, supports those approaching retirement to successfully transition and create a retirement they will love to live! When we think about staying healthy in retirement, we often think about becoming more active, eating better and ensuring a good night’s sleep. But there’s another powerful antidote and it doesn’t require active wear, perspiration or watching calorie intake. Did you know that maintaining strong friendships in retirement can have a significant and positive impact on your wellbeing? As we age we are going to become more dependent on others. Not only may we become less mobile, but amongst your group of friends it is almost invariable that there will be debilitating illness, divorce, death, job loss and other major life challenges. It is times like this that it is so critical to have a strong friendship circle to surround us - people who can help us to weather the tough times. These friends will rally around you in times of need, intuitively knowing what needs doing and making things more bearable. Good friends will do exactly what you know you would do for them if the roles were reversed. Not only that, but these friends will celebrate your successes too! What are the health impacts of loneliness? The workplace is a hot-bed of human interaction – there is always a morning tea, someone to do the coffee run with and meetings to be held, and so as we step away from the workforce, our social networks tend to decrease. The research shows that loneliness is linked to a number of health issues including poor sleep patterns, increased prevalence of stress hormones, increased risk of heart disease and stroke, and accelerated cognitive decline. In turn, these can contribute to a lowered life expectancy and depression. The lower quality of life associated with these health issues is not what people envisage when they think about a fulfilling and enjoyable retirement. Loneliness is not a symptom of failure - that you are no longer relevant. The feeling is simply a reminder to reach other to others. The challenge is that life has never been as busy as it is now in the 21st century. But stop for a moment. Don't be so busy working hard and saving for retirement that you let the fun things fall by the wayside, such as weekend fishing trips, ladies nights at the theatre, or barefoot bowls. How 'golden' will those years be if you no longer have people to share them with? Do you need to re-connect with friends? Fortunately there are simple things you can do right now to reinvigorate the important friendships in your life. Make that call! Who is that one person that you have been meaning to catch-up with for ages, and what can you do to connect with them today? Go on, nothing beats memory sharing and a deep belly laugh! Take the lead! Rather than wait for catch-ups to be organised, step in and connect with the people you hold near and dear. Just be mindful to set yourself up for success. For example, rather than trying to go out for dinner as a group once a week, make it once a month (or even once a quarter) so that it doesn’t seem like a burden and something that everyone will look forward to. Let them know Don’t be afraid to tell your friends that you care. Let them know how much you appreciate them and why. And do it often! Choose your friends wisely One of the great things that comes with age is caring less what other people think. As such, choose which friendships you cultivate mindfully. Spend time with the people who light you up, not drain your energy or take advantage of you. As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. The power of friendship is real. Is your inner circle full of people that you know will be there for you when you need them (and vice versa)? Images: Getty

Retirement Life

The secret to long-lasting friendships

As we grow older, friendships can become even more important to us as children leave home, and careers wind back. Friendships provide us with a sense of community, companionship, and support. But maintaining these relationships can be challenging, especially as we face new life stages and circumstances. Phoebe Adams is the dedicated founder of <a href="https://www.connectedwomen.net/">Connected Women</a>, an organisation that facilitates friendships for women over 50 through a range of online and in-person events. Here, Phoebe shares her expert advice on the secret to long-lasting friendships. “As the head of Connected Women, a big part of my job is helping women over 50 to connect and build meaningful relationships. I’m so proud to be able to provide a safe and welcoming space for women to come together, share experiences, and form lasting friendships.” According to Phoebe, the secret to long-lasting friendships is all about mutual respect, communication, and shared experiences. "When you have a strong foundation built on these three things, your friendships will thrive," she explains. So, how can you build that foundation with your own friends? Phoebe recommends the following tips: Be Honest: Good communication is key to any healthy relationship. Make sure you're always honest with your friends, even when it's difficult. If you're upset or angry about something they may have said or done, talk to them about it. It's better to address issues early on before they become bigger problems and having a difficult conversation becomes. Show Up: It's not enough to just be there for your friends when things are going well. True friendship means showing up when things are tough. Whether they need a listening ear or a helping hand, be there for your friends through thick and thin. Often one of the hardest things is knowing what to say when something difficult has happened in a friend’s life. Commonly we tend to stand back because we don’t know what to say or how to act, but it’s in these times of adversity that showing up, saying nothing and simply being present is the best possible gift you can give your friend. Make Memories: Shared experiences are the building blocks of any strong friendship. Make time for fun outings and adventures with your friends. These memories will keep you connected and give you something to look back on fondly. Phoebe also notes that it's important to be selective about the friendships you choose to maintain. "Not all friendships are created equal, some relationships may no longer serve you, and that's ok. It's important to prioritise the friendships that bring you joy and support you in your life." So, how do you know which friendships to keep? Phoebe suggests asking yourself the following questions: <ul> <li>Does this person uplift me and make me feel good about myself?</li> <li>Do we have shared values and interests?</li> <li>Do they respect my boundaries and support my goals?</li> <li>Have we had meaningful experiences together?</li> </ul> If the answer to these questions is yes, then it's likely a friendship worth investing in. Nurturing and maintaining long-lasting friendships is a fulfilling and rewarding experience. By focusing on communication, respect, and shared experiences, we can strengthen our already-formed friendships and create meaningful connections. Remember our time is finite, so focus on friendships that bring you joy and support your growth, and don't be afraid to let go of those that no longer serve you. Taking action to invest in your friendships can lead to a happier and more fulfilling life, so seize the opportunity and reap the rewards! <img src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/2023/04/Phoebe-headshot.jpg" alt="" width="1280" height="720" /> Phoebe Adams is the founder of Connected Women, an organisation providing a community for women over 50 to connect with each other and build meaningful friendships. With a rapidly growing community in Perth, Sydney, Wollongong, and Melbourne, Connected Women provides a safe and welcoming space for women to come together and share experiences. To learn more about the organisation and how you can get involved, visit <a href="https://www.connectedwomen.net" target="_blank" rel="noopener">connectedwomen.net</a>. Image credits: Getty Images

Relationships

Friendships may help protect women from health conditions in older age

Human connection may, in fact, help protect women from chronic health conditions in older age, according to a Queensland-led study. The University of Queensland researchers tracked more than 7,600 Australian women aged between 45 and 50 for two decades as part of the Australian Longitudinal Study on Women's Health. The study went as follows: Every three years, women filled out a questionnaire, rating their levels of satisfaction with a range of relationships, including partners, family, friends, work colleagues and any other social connections. Data also collected if they had been diagnosed with two or more of 11 chronic health conditions. <ul> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">High blood pressure</li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Heart disease</li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Stroke </li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease </li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Asthma </li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Arthritis</li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Cancer</li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Depression</li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Anxiety </li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Osteoporosis</li> <li dir="ltr" role="presentation">Diabetes</li> </ul> The researchers found 58.3 per cent of the women had developed more than one chronic disease during the 20 years of monitoring, from 1996 to 2016. Those with the lowest relationship satisfaction scores had the highest odds of having multiple chronic diseases. So, make friends and keep them around because it may just prevent a serious illness. Image credit: Shutterstock

Body

Why friendships could be good for your gut

As well as being good for our mental health, it seems that having plenty of friends can be good for the health of our gut, a new study says. Scientists looked at a group of Rhesus Macaques living on Cayo Santiago, an island off the coast of Puerto Rico, and found that the more sociable primate had more beneficial bacteria and less harmful bacteria than less social monkeys. To measure just how social the monkeys were, the researchers measured the time each monkey spent grooming or being groomed by others, as well as the number of grooming partners they had. “Macaques are highly social animals and grooming is their main way of making and maintaining relationships, so grooming provides a good indicator of social interactions,” Dr Kali Watson, a cognitive scientist at the University of Colorado, said. They also collected faecal samples from the monkeys and performed DNA sequencing to measure the composition and diversity of gut microbes that were present. “Engagement in social interactions was positively related to the abundance of certain gut microbes with beneficial immunological functions, and negatively related to the abundance of potentially pathogenic members of the microbiota,” Dr Philip Burnet, who researches the influence of the gut microbiome on brain health at the University of Oxford, said. They found that the most sociable monkeys had higher levels of protective bacteria, including Faecalibacterium, which has anti-inflammatory properties, and Prevotella, which has been associated with better immunity against pathogens and anti-inflammatory effects. Meanwhile, bacteria such as Streptococcus, which cause diseases such as strep throat and pneumonia, were found in greater abundance in the less social monkeys. <img src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/2022/12/monkey-guts1.jpg" alt="" width="1280" height="720" /> Image: Frontiers Press As for why this happens, the researchers proposed that it may be to do with the transmission of bacteria through physical contact, such as grooming. “The relationship between social behaviour and microbial abundances may be the direct result of social transmission of microbes, for example through grooming,” Dr Katerina Johnson, a researcher at the University of Oxford, said. “It could also be an indirect effect, as monkeys with fewer friends may be more stressed, which then affects the abundance of these microbes. “As well as behaviour influencing the microbiome, we also know it is a reciprocal relationship, whereby the microbiome can in turn affect the brain and behaviour.” The millions of bacteria, fungi and other microorganisms that live in our gut - and make up our <a href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/health/mind/your-gut-s-second-brain-may-have-evolved-before-your-head-s-brain">gut microbiome</a> - have become an area of interest for researchers, particularly when it comes to digestive health and the influence it has on our nervous system, in a relationship called the <a href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/health/mind/how-gut-bacteria-could-affect-your-mental-health">‘gut-brain axis’</a>. Previous studies have shown that the levels of different species of these organisms in our guts have been linked to depression, schizophrenia and even autoimmune conditions such as Crohn’s disease and colitis. The gut even creates neurotransmitters, hormones and other molecules the brain needs. With this study finding that being social can influence our gut, which in turn can influence our health more generally, it shows just how crucial social interactions are for our health. Dr Robin Dunbar, a psychology professor at the University of Oxford, said: “As our society is increasingly substituting online interactions for real-life ones, these important research findings underline the fact that as primates, we evolved not only in a social world but a microbial one as well.” The researchers published their findings in the journal <a href="https://doi.org/10.3389/fmicb.2022.1032495" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Frontiers in Microbiology</a>. Image: Frontiers Press

Caring

Queen Elizabeth’s “unlikely friendship” with Tom Cruise

Queen Elizabeth II really enjoyed meeting Tom Cruise in the weeks before her death that she organised to have him celebrate her Platinum Jubilee. The late British monarch “really hit it off” with the Top Gun star but the pair were unable to rekindle at the Platinum Jubilee due to the Queen’s mobility issues. However, the Queen was adamant on seeing Tom again that she organised a tour of Windsor Castle. “The Queen let it be known that she was really disappointed not to have met Tom at the pageant, so he was invited to have a special tour of Windsor Castle with everything laid on for him. Afterwards, just the two of them had tea together,” the source said. Tom enjoyed his time at the castle that he was also given the opportunity to fire a ceremonial gun. “She loved seeing him and they really hit it off, so much so that she invited him back for lunch. He was even allowed to fly in by helicopter,” the source continued. Unfortunately, the lunch never happened with the Queen passing away at the age of 96 on September 8. Tom has previously spoken of his admiration for Queen Elizabeth saying everything she has achieved are historic. “She’s just a woman that I greatly admire. I think she is someone who has tremendous dignity and I admire her devotion. What she has accomplished has been historic,” he said at the time. Images: Getty

Relationships

"She's been amazing": The friendship helping Johnny Ruffo through cancer treatment

Johnny Ruffo said he owes everything to his girlfriend Tahnee Sims for constantly being by his side as he battles through his terminal brain cancer. But behind-the-scenes is one more person that the former Home and Away star has to thank for her support. Lynne McGranger, who plays Irene Roberts, has also been a rock in Johnny’s life as he pushes through his chemotherapy. "She's been amazing," the former X-Factor star told TV Week. "She constantly checks in and asks how I'm doing. She always wants to go out for dinner. "I can't stress enough how people like her help get through tough times. She's just a wonderful person. Having people like that to say 'Oh, how are you feeling this week?' and little sweet things like that make all the difference. It's a great support network." When it comes to Tahnee, Johnny admits that he wouldn’t have been able to go through his diagnosis without her. "Having Tahnee by my side every step of the way, literally and metaphorically, she's incredible. I couldn't do it without her,” he previously said. "She does it just as hard as I do. She's having to deal with all the doctors and what they're saying, and then she has to deal with me once we get home as well.” The singer is going through chemotherapy once every three weeks and said he wanted to give gave as the holiday season creeps up. Ruffo partnered with Amazon Australia to help twelve superhero children from the Starlight Children’s Foundation to become official toy testers for the festive season. "It brings such joy to me. It's a privilege to be able to know that you are helping them forget about everything that they're going through," he said in the Starlight Children's Foundation campaign. "I feel like I get as much out of it as the kids. It's quite cathartic for me to be able to bring joy to these children who are somewhat in a similar position." The 34-year-old was first diagnosed with brain cancer in 2017 after struggling with multiple headaches. Ruffo then announced in 2019 that he was in remission, but by November 2020 the cancer had returned, before confirming in 2022 that his illness is terminal. He has also recently released a memoir called No Finish Line, dedicated to his girlfriend, in which he details his experiences recording music, acting, his family and loved ones. The title, he explains, is that “it wasn’t the end”. Images: Instagram

Caring

The friendship breakup: how to end a toxic relationship

How to get rid of toxic friendsFourteen years after the split, Suzanne Wilson Phillips still has some fond memories of her friend Melissa (name has been changed). “She was really fun and bubbly,” says the mental-health counsellor. “On a Saturday night, she was the life of the party.”But over the course of their five-year friendship, Suzanne often felt neglected when her pal revelled in the spotlight. “Melissa never had my back,” says the 43-year-old. The tipping point came when Melissa tried to sabotage Suzanne’s new romantic connection. “I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore.”As Suzanne learned, ending a friendship is a complex process, wrought with pitfalls and pain. Here’s how to get rid of toxic friends in four steps, with expert advice to help you get through.Step one: Evaluate the friendship Start by taking a measured look at the situation. When you’re with this person, do you feel like your best self? Can you honestly describe them in flattering terms? How committed are you to the friendship?You’ll also want to consider the circumstances, especially if your friend has been depressed or suffered a loss or trauma. We owe our friends a lot, and standing by them during tough times is part of the deal. Dr Andrea Bonior, a psychologist and relationships expert, says the red flag is when “you look back and see a long-standing pattern.”Step two: Understand your reluctanceWhy is a split so hard? There are many reasons. Friendships aren’t monogamous, Bonior explains, so it’s easy to enjoy your other buddies even when one particular person is dragging you down. That means less pressure to act.“When the ball is rolling in a long-term friendship, it’s hard to stop,” says Bonior. “It’s part of the rhythm of our daily lives, and the inertia is powerful.” Because of this, we also tend to let our friends get away with bad behaviour.Step three: flee or face itAvoidance is a popular strategy. Suzanne tried that at first: she dodged Melissa’s calls and stayed away from her typical haunts, hoping to escape a difficult confrontation. Sometimes that approach can be successful, according to Bonior. “The slow fade works if it’s mutual,” she says. After all, some friends just naturally drift apart.But if the split comes as an unpleasant surprise to one of the parties, says psychotherapist Kimberly Moffit, “the friend is left wondering why they’re being avoided.” In that case, a discussion is the respectful way to go. It also opens an avenue for making amends: “You’re giving your friend the opportunity to correct what’s wrong in the relationship,” says Moffit.If you take a direct approach, Bonior suggests borrowing words from your romantic life: “Something like, ‘I know you’ve noticed I haven’t been able to spend time with you lately. I value our time as friends, but I can’t give what I used to.’”Step four: Grieve and rebuild“We may feel silly about having an emotional reaction,” says Bonior. “But even if you’ve initiated [the split], you can expect to feel sad about it. Let yourself mourn.” She advises consolidating your feelings in your mind, or in a journal, so you can sidestep the same patterns in the future.Once you’ve got a handle on the emotional fallout, it’s time to expand your social circle. By putting your effort into meeting new people, you may just develop a deep, meaningful friendship to last a lifetime.This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/the-buddy-breakup-how-to-end-a-toxic-friendship">Readers Digest</a>.

Relationships

Rekindling friendships after lockdown

As we resume our social lives after strict COVID restrictions have lifted, many of us are finding it’s time to take stock of our friendships. Recent research I’ve been involved in found <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/lonely-after-lockdown-how-covid-may-leave-us-with-fewer-friends-if-we-are-not-careful-168844" target="_blank">friendship networks were shrinking</a> in Australia during COVID lockdowns. Some people pruned their networks, focusing on only the most important family and friends. Others lost friends through reduced recreational and community activities, falling out of the habit of socialising, and shifting to more digital interaction. As we start to re-engage, the obvious question is – how do we get our old friends back? We might also ask ourselves – which friends do we want back? Which friends do we want? There’s no one answer here – different people want different things from friends. Data I have calculated from <a rel="noopener" href="http://rpatulny.com/data/" target="_blank">the 2015-16 Australian Social Attitudes Survey</a> show the main form of support received from close friends in Australia is: <ul> <li> primarily, having a confidant who provides emotional support </li> <li> followed by fun and good times </li> <li> and then, favours and advice of various kinds. </li> </ul> These results vary by background and life stage. Women are much more likely to have a confidant who provides emotional support as their closest friend. Men are more likely to have friends who provide fun, good times, favours and advice – or else no regular support at all. Younger people are more likely to have a confidant, emotional support, fun and good times. Older people, aged over 56, are slightly more likely to receive favours and advice, and are much more likely to lack a close supportive friend. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" alt="Alt" /> Women are much more likely to have a confidant who provides emotional support compared to men. <a rel="noopener" href="http://rpatulny.com/data/" target="_blank" class="source">Data: Australian Social Attitudes Survey 2015-16/Roger Patulny</a>, Author provided These results are indicative of what different people get from close friendships, but may not represent what they want or need. The close confidants women report as friends may well alleviate <a rel="noopener" href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Loneliness_the_Experience_of_Emotional_a.html?id=KuibQgAACAAJ&redir_esc=y" target="_blank">emotional loneliness</a>, which is defined as the absence of close attachment to others who provide strong emotional support. However, it may still leave them with <a rel="noopener" href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Loneliness_the_Experience_of_Emotional_a.html?id=KuibQgAACAAJ&redir_esc=y" target="_blank">social loneliness</a>, or the feeling of lacking quality, companionable connections with friends. Conversely, male camaraderie built around fun, activities and mutual favours may alleviate social but not emotional loneliness. Emerging evidence suggests emotional loneliness has a <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042811027029" target="_blank">stronger negative impact on well-being than social loneliness</a>, so it’s important for everyone to have someone to talk to for emotional support. We still need a variety of approaches and goals to suit different friendship needs nonetheless. Beating social loneliness The first way to reduce social loneliness is to reach out to those we already know, now that we can. We can message old friends, organise get-togethers, or start new conversations and activities with everyday contacts including colleagues, fellow students, regulars at the local club or cafe, or neighbours. That said, reconnecting may now be impossible or undesirable for several reasons. These can include physical distance, changed life circumstances, different interests, intractable arguments, or a <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/bigideas/australian-men-are-prone-to-loneliness/10555064" target="_blank">masculine aversion to initiating contact</a>. In these cases, we can join, organise, invite others, and connect with new social and community groups. Better groups tend to run regular activities that genuinely reflect members’ interests and input. Generic groups that meet sporadically <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/cambridge-handbook-of-personal-relationships/loneliness-and-social-isolation/246AFB3CA8837959725B67497331E0A8" target="_blank">are less effective</a>. Some people may benefit from joining support groups designed for people subject to stigma based on identity or life events, such as <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6841046/" target="_blank">LGBTQI</a> or health recovery groups. Some groups help deal with the stigma of feeling lonely. This includes shared activity groups where people talk “shoulder to shoulder” rather than face to face, such as <a rel="noopener" href="https://hivelife.com/australian-mens-shed-association/" target="_blank">Men’s Sheds</a>. Groups focused on education, shared discussion, or exercise are particularly good for <a rel="noopener" href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24575725/" target="_blank">friendship and alleviating loneliness among older people</a>. While online options abound for connecting, it’s important to avoid activities which increase loneliness, such as <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07421222.2014.1001282" target="_blank">passive scrolling</a>, unsolicited broadcasting, or <a rel="noopener" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1745691617713052?journalCode=ppsa" target="_blank">escapist substituting of digital communities for physical ones</a>. Interactive online contact and online groups that <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/does-social-media-make-us-more-or-less-lonely-depends-on-how-you-use-it-128468" target="_blank">help us organise in-person catch ups</a> (such as WhatsApp, Facebook or Meetup) are more effective. Beating emotional loneliness To beat emotional loneliness, the focus should be on deepening existing relationships. It’s essential to spend high quality, meaningful time with a few good quality friends (or even one). It might mean repairing damage, and <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-05-10/coronavirus-and-reflection-how-to-restore-a-friendship/12229750" target="_blank">apologising in a considered and respectful manner</a> if you did or said something wrong. Sometimes it just requires the effort of checking in more regularly. Organisations like <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask" target="_blank">RUOK</a> provide sensitive, step-by-step suggestions on how to do this. Online contact and videoconferencing can help maintain intimate partner and family connections, as it did during lockdown. It’s particularly helpful for <a rel="noopener" href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21069600/" target="_blank">older people</a> and <a rel="noopener" href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-14727-003" target="_blank">migrants</a>, but less so for younger people <a rel="noopener" href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24321573/" target="_blank">already saturated in online social media</a> connections. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" alt="One elderly man comforting another" /> It’s crucial for our health and well-being to spend deep, meaningful time with close friends. Shutterstock Some people may also need help from a professional psychologist, counsellor, or support group to process increased social anxiety, particularly after COVID lockdown. <a rel="noopener" href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-62767-001" target="_blank">Such support</a> can reduce emotional loneliness by helping us process social situations more positively and <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/cambridge-handbook-of-personal-relationships/loneliness-and-social-isolation/246AFB3CA8837959725B67497331E0A8" target="_blank">be more realistic (and less anxious) about our friendship options</a>. Ending wrong or ‘toxic’ friendships In <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.verywellmind.com/news-how-to-rekindle-friendships-after-covid-19-5179635" target="_blank">reflecting on our friendships</a>, we may decide to end any that have become particularly toxic. Where possible, we should be kind, explain this, and avoid ghosting, as this can be <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much" target="_blank">highly traumatic to those who are ghosted</a> and de-sensitise us to others’ feelings if we do it regularly. Before doing so, we should be careful we don’t just need a break to rebuild energy and habits of interactions. We should be especially careful with <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-on-the-ending-of-a-friendship-121627" target="_blank">ending long-term friendships</a>. Quality relationships take time, shared history, and involve natural ups and downs – especially in a pandemic. We should look to renegotiate rather than end them wherever possible. Take time, and seek counselling or another friend’s advice. Since listening is key to friendship, maybe ask yourself – have you heard everything they’re trying to say?<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/172853/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/roger-patulny-94836" target="_blank">Roger Patulny</a>, Associate Professor of Sociology, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-wollongong-711" target="_blank">University of Wollongong</a> This article is republished from <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/lost-touch-with-friends-during-lockdown-heres-how-to-reconnect-and-let-go-of-toxic-ones-172853" target="_blank">original article</a>. Image: Getty Images

Relationships

Friendship bubble announced for under-18s

The NSW government has announced the establishment of a “friend bubble” for people under the age of 18 within the state. The “friend” or “playdate” bubble will allow three young people under the age of 18 to meet up for quality social time. The members of each bubble must live within the same LGA, or within five kilometres of each other, and any supervising adults must be fully vaccinated. The new change was signed off by the NSW government and is set to take effect from Tuesday September 21st. Fifteen-year-old school student Alyssa Horan spoke at the daily NSW press conference to celebrate the announcement. "Children and young people definitely want to do the right thing and also be able to socialise because lockdown is incredibly isolating for everyone," she said. "Helping everyone feel connected will undoubtedly benefit their mental health." Deputy Premier for NSW John Barilaro said the new bubble will come as a reward to both parents and children after months of lockdown restrictions and isolating conditions of at-home learning. "We're in school holidays, kids have done it really, really tough, parents have done it tough," Mr Barilaro told Today. "The mental strain, the wellbeing of our kids are important. So the crisis committee made a decision that we'll allow those kids to come together, just like we have the adult single bubbles but that's for the vaccinated.” "For kids you don't have to be vaccinated and we'll allow some kids to come together during the school holidays." The announcement comes as Pfizer confirms their COVID-19 vaccine is safe and works for children between the ages of 5 and 11, as well as Moderna becoming widely available for kids. Image credit: Shutterstock

Family & Pets

Bridgerton offers clever relationship advice — why friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships

This story contains spoilers for Bridgerton <hr /> The first season of <a href="https://www.netflix.com/au/title/80232398">Bridgerton</a>, Netflix’s new hit show based on Julia Quinn’s <a href="https://juliaquinn.com/series/bridgertons/">novels</a>, premiered on December 25 last year. The show is set in London, during the debutante season of 1813. It starts with Miss Daphne, the eldest daughter of the Bridgerton family, being presented to the court in preparation for the social season of marriage arrangements. As the story develops, filled with secrets and scandals, the young lady seeks to understand what marriage and love is all about. Her mother, Lady Violet, offers this advice: <blockquote> My dear, why ever do you complicate matters so? You must simply marry the man who feels like your dearest friend. </blockquote> As a psychology researcher who studies romantic relationships, I think this touches on an idea well supported by research evidence: friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships. The importance of friendship American psychologist Robert Sternberg originally <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-21992-001">theorised</a> love is composed of three elements: passion, intimacy and commitment. But these elements do not comprehensively describe the complexity of romantic relationships. Researchers have long sought to include other elements such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1468199031000099424">partner compatibility</a>, <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=xRCAAAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA3&dq=info:Vuqqrl6AGiIJ:scholar.google.com&ots=AsvwXKnRxG&sig=5oKQDpBgdR9niPa-_HzeGsU2Lwc&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false">emotional connection</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-33681-007">accessibility</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-33681-007">responsiveness</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-33681-007">engagement</a>, <a href="https://ps.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/ps.40.5.540">acceptance</a>, the ability to communicate and reveal thoughts and feelings (called “<a href="https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/pdf/10.1521/jscp.23.6.857.54803">self-disclosure</a>”), <a href="https://europepmc.org/article/med/7220710">independence</a> and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1994-01471-001">conflict resolution</a>. What’s more, although it’s <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167203262847">well established</a> physical attraction and earning potential will influence how people select partners, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.51.6.1167">similarity</a> and <a href="https://academic.oup.com/abm/article-abstract/41/1/131/4569550">familiarity</a> are more important for relationships long-term. Over time, similarities such as values, political attitudes, and religiosity become more relevant and <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16958707/">are likely to lead</a> to greater happiness and relationship satisfaction. All of these are qualities you’d also find in a good friend. Indeed marriage researcher and psychologist John Gottman argues friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships and the most important predictor of maintaining good relationships long-term. In his book, <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=HB43DwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PT10&dq=seven+principle+of+making+marriage+work&ots=yJ-Bw-nIbt&sig=J0SDLtQIz2NefIqsRrCXOTysWG0#v=onepage&q=%E2%80%9Cknow%20each%20other%20intimately%20%5Band%5D%20are%20well%20versed%20in%20each%20other%E2%80%99s%20likes%2C%20dislikes%2C%20personality%20quirks%2C%20hopes%2C%20and%20dreams&f=false">The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work</a>, Gottman explains couples have a better chance of success if they “know each other intimately — they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams”. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/378168/original/file-20210111-21-hvpfqa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" alt="Daphne Bridgerton and her mother Lady Violet Bridgerton" /> Lady Violet (right) has sound advice for her daughter Daphne: ‘You must simply marry the man who feels like your dearest friend’. LIAM DANIEL/NETFLIX The relationship advice and support provided by Lady Violet was a significant contributor to Daphne’s decision to marry Simon, the Duke of Hastings. The Duke explains that at first, love was out of the question, but in removing it, they found friendship, which is a far greater feat. He put it simply: <blockquote> To meet a beautiful woman is one thing, but to meet your best friend in the most beautiful of women is something entirely apart. </blockquote> Barriers to finding (and keeping) love) On the other hand, the show demonstrates how people’s beliefs, attitudes and behaviours can potentially sabotage their chances in love. One reason why so many couples struggle to navigate conflict in their relationships is because people are often intrinsically motivated to protect themselves rather than be vulnerable. The Duke of Hastings is a good example. In an attempt to protect himself from the hurtful memories of his childhood and relationship with his father, the Duke closed himself off to relationships and love. Unfortunately, this is all too common. In my recent <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039?needAccess=true">study</a>, published in July 2020, I surveyed 696 people and uncovered countless examples of people who describe being afraid and believing they’re not worthy of love. Here are some of them: <blockquote> “I am always afraid it is not going to work out or I am going to get hurt, but I know that me trying to maintain a distance like that is one of the reasons my relationships always fail” “I fear not being accepted for who I am” “My own beliefs that I am maybe not good enough, or worthy of such affection, make it difficult to maintain relationships” “I am not good enough for my partner and one day they will realise that and leave.” </blockquote> These beliefs influence how people perceive quality and stress in relationships, and can mean people prevent themselves from forming and maintaining successful relationships. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/378171/original/file-20210111-19-p5jwn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" alt="Sad woman lying on bed facing away from her partner" /> Many of us are afraid to be vulnerable, and shut ourselves off to potential chances at love. Shutterstock Overcoming the trials of relationships Unlike “happily ever after” tales, Bridgerton follows the couple into a story of conflict when navigating the expectations of marriage. The trust between the couple seemed to have been broken beyond repair after Daphne discovered Simon had been lying to her about his inability to have children. But a foundation of friendship remained. And it was this foundation that helped them overcome their issues. In my research, I <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039?needAccess=true">found</a> participants were able to overcome issues in their relationships by focusing on trust, communication, commitment, safety and acceptance. They noted these as important elements when managing conflict and relationship expectations. Maintaining a healthy relationship long-term requires partners to know, trust and be vulnerable with one another, while also engaging in open communication and collaboration towards the common goal of working on their relationship. Altogether, these elements also describe meaningful friendships.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/152953/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-southern-queensland-1069">University of Southern Queensland</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/bridgerton-offers-clever-relationship-advice-why-friendship-is-the-foundation-of-happy-romantic-partnerships-152953">original article</a>.

Relationships

Serena William stands by long-time friend Meghan Markle

Tennis legend Serena Williams has praised her long-time friend Meghan Markle's strength for speaking her truth in the Oprah interview that caused waves worldwide. She appeared on The Shine Series, which is a program of virtual conversations with celebrities about life, career and family with shoe company Stuart Weitzman. "Meghan is a great person and I think the epitome of strength, the epitome of confidence, the epitome of just selflessness, and the epitome of everything is just her and everything that she's gone through," Williams said. "And I know it's not easy, and you can see from the interview that it wasn't easy. But she had so much poise and she still had so much class," she said. "I just think that she is the strongest person I know. I don't know anyone else that could handle everything on such a global scale the way that she's had to handle things that are just untrue, minute after minute. Not even day after day, just minute after minute, another untrue allegation being thrown at her." <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JY_p2BtVqXU"></iframe></div> Williams also touched on why she released a statement right after the Oprah interview. "I think it was important for me to say something because I'm tired of sitting back and seeing all this negativity that's just not true." The pair's friendship is widely known as the athlete attended Markle's wedding as well as co-hosting her baby shower for Archie in 2019.

Relationships

Are you looking for love or friendship in an over 50s community?

The heart-warming story of two downsizers who fell in love and then started a new life together in a retirement village has prompted OverSixty.com.au and Downsizing.com.au to launch a survey about romance and friendship in over 50s communities. David and Anthea Yates, both in their early 70s, married in February 2020 and in the same month moved from their homes in the regional centre of Waikerie to Stockland Hillsview retirement village in Happy Valley, south of Adelaide. David and Anthea met around two years ago, after David - as a local men’s shed volunteer - helped Anthea move into her home at Waikerie. David had joined the men’s shed after the passing of his previous wife. “It blossomed into a love affair,” said David. The couple decided to get married, have their honeymoon and move into a retirement village - all in the same month. David and Anthea had several reasons to make their move, including to find better weather, be closer to family, meet new friends, reduce home maintenance and simply to leave the past behind. “We’ve both had heartaches during our lives and we needed to move away to be able to ease the hurt and the memories...not to completely forget but to ease the pain, and to start a new life together,” David said. For Anthea, it was important that she moved closer to her daughter and grandsons, and also meet new friends in a like-minded community. “I found that, in a small and very close community (such as Waikerie), and as someone who was a retiree who didn’t take children to school, that it was hard to meet people,” Anthea said. “I enjoy living here in the retirement village where everyone is in a similar age group and friendly.” Fill out our survey: OverSixty.com.au and Downsizing.com.au have <a href="https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/2ZTNXG8">launched a survey on the subject</a>.

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