How to talk to your parents about aged care
Chris Nöthling is the Aged Care Liaison for WB Financial and author of Doing the Right Thing by Mum and Dad: Residential Aged Care for a Loved One. He is an Accredited Aged Care Professional, who has developed a reputation for helping families navigate the complexities of the aged care system.
One of the most vexing dilemmas we encounter is how to help families convince Mum or Dad that aged care (or residential aged care) is a good choice for them. But, it is not only Mum or Dad. Sometimes, siblings and other family members have strong views about getting care for Mum or Dad. You might even have resistance to the idea, yourself. Given such uncertainty, it may be difficult to take initiative and start a conversation about the aged care journey and to gather the information you will require. Here are suggestions for overcoming the discomfort that affects many families:
- Start early: Begin early, when your parents’ health allows them to fully participate and share their wants, needs, and preferences.
- Conversations: Do not approach the first discussion as “The Conversation,” but think of it as ongoing conversations. Be prepared not to decide in the first conversation and to revisit the topic often.
- Timing: Choose a specific time and place for this conversation; avoid tagging it onto other family gatherings, like a birthday or holiday celebration. Have the discussion at a quiet time, with no distractions, so you can have a relaxed conversation, giving your parents plenty of time to share their wishes.
- Include the family: Include other family members, but meet together before approaching your parent, to make sure everyone is on the same page, to avoid an unproductive, confrontational situation. Sometimes, when children and siblings have these discussions in earshot of parents, it can prompt parents to get their own paperwork together.
- Respectful atmosphere: Make the experience non-threatening. Let your parents know you are concerned for their well-being and want to work with them to plan for possible future outcomes. Explain you want to be prepared to help them if needed. Approach the discussion as a partner with your parent, making sure your parents are active participants in the conversation. Stop to listen and respect their desire and need to maintain control over their lives. Tell them your main concern is making sure they feel safe and independent.
- Practical matters: Open the discussion by focusing on practical issues, such as home maintenance; bill paying; professionals to help them with their medical, financial and other matters; and uncovering where they keep important documents, such as insurance policies, wills, trust documents, investment and banking records, tax returns, living wills, and durable powers of attorney.
- Communication: Have the conversation face-to-face. Maintain eye contact and get close to your parents. Closeness builds trust and allows you to speak in an even, controlled voice. Ask open-ended questions that encourage your parents to share feelings. Then, sit back and carefully listen to what is important to them. Calmly and considerately listen to concerns and questions. Approach the conversation with compassion, clarifying you are motivated purely by concern for your parents’ well-being.
- Explore options with them: Ask questions and offer more than one acceptable solution, asking which choice they prefer. This involves them in the decision process and enables them to exercise control and independence. Always try to move toward solutions that provide maximum independence.
- Systematic: Address one issue at a time, rather than trying to resolve everything at once. Plan carefully and think through the conversations, so they are positive and productive. Write down what you think needs to be discussed, so you forget nothing.
Accompanying your loved one on their aged care journey requires more than a consideration of their financial affairs. It is an intensely personal human drama and chances are, you will have to get involved in personal and emotional issues. How well you travel with them on the journey will depend, in part, on how well you handle the social and interpersonal interactions. Think about how you will deal with these issues and what strategies you can use to deal with their sense of loss, to handle their resistance to change, and to preserve their sense of dignity at a critical time in their lives.
This is an extract from Chris Nöthling’s Doing the Right Thing by Mum and Dad: Residential Aged Care for a Loved One.
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