Why men shouldn’t be afraid of therapy
Don't be afraid, guys. You've got this.
There's a perception that men aren't well suited to talk-therapies. That they squirm when asked about their feelings, struggle to articulate their thoughts, run out of things to say.
That spending an hour with a counsellor would just be an awkward waste of beer money.
It's not true. Men who step up willingly to "see someone" professionally – and it can take some courage the first time – make great clients and most report it to be a helpful experience.
Here's what one man said:
Him: That (session) was good. I was scared I'd have to lie on some stranger's couch pouring out my feelings.
Me: Well, you sort of did. Without the lying down part.
Him: That's so weird. I couldn't shut myself up.
But men don't go to the doctor
Statistically men are about a third less likely as women to go their GP so it follows they may be even more reluctant to see a mental health professional – for reasons of stigma, embarrassment and shame, as well as the usual raft of "I'm too busy" and "I'll just tough it out."
It's concerning, given that the numbers of psychiatric disorders are almost identical between genders and male suicide statistics are significantly higher than female. And it's more worrying still when you factor in the lack of opportunities men have to talk about their "soft" issues - feelings, relationships, struggles and fears.
The simple truth is that (most) men don't talk easily about such things because society doesn't set them up for it.
Boys don't have the same opportunities as girls to hone their emotional skills. They don't cluster from an early age to talk through problems so they don't hear and share feelings the way girls do; nor do they get the same practise at articulating what they are thinking and feeling. Later, as men, it can disadvantage them emotionally. When difficulties arise in their lives, men are unlikely to share them down at the pub: instead, they bottle them.
It can make men feel very alone with their problems - and unable to see a way forward. Which, as the statistics indicate, can have serious consequences.
What do men talk about?
Interestingly, when men do seek help of their own accord, they are often disarmingly honest and thirsty for information. Often they just want to know how it is for other guys, to make sure they are "normal".
The most common issues for men are work and relationships; difficulties in either area is often the trigger for seeking help.
1. Work – Being laid off, redundancy, retirement or just a feeling that your career has stalled can be a huge psychological blow, as can "losing your way" at work or in life - not having a purpose or clear goals to work towards.
2. Relationships – Dating, relationships and sex can be extremely confusing. With men overrepresented in the violence, abuse and adultery statistics, men who want to do the right thing often don't know what's acceptable in relationships.
I've seen a number of men over the years who were being horribly emotionally abused by their partners, but had no idea it was wrong, that their relationship was any different from the next guy. Sadly, they were nearly in pieces by the time they sought help.
Don't be that guy! If you are wondering about therapy, here are the keys to getting started.
Three keys to success
1. You must WANT to be there – It's like the old "you can drag a horse to water but you can't make them drink" philosophy. Not that men are horses, but you get my point. Any person told or made to see someone won't benefit - they may even be put off for life - so partners and parents should hint, suggest, open doors - but not force. Everyone will end up unhappy, even the therapist.
2. Find a therapist you LIKE – Check their qualifications and testimonials first. But research consistently points to the importance of a good therapeutic relationship in positive outcomes. If you don't feel comfortable with someone, it's okay to move on. Therapists won't be hurt - they want a good match too.
3. Ask for TOOLS – Men often respond best to practical therapies; they want tools to fix things and they like to have something to DO. Many women do too, but men particularly step up when they have a task at hand. So before you commit, ask if it's a practical type of therapy - and be prepared to do some homework.
Remember, therapy is not scary. It's not about lying on a stranger's couch and delving into the inner reaches of your inner anything. It's about building self-understanding and gathering up a set of tools to build your resilience and help you through difficult times.
So don't put your pride (or other excuses) before a fall – or worse, a crash. Real men are allowed to have real problems. Where's the shame in that?
Written by Karen Nimmo. Republished with permission of Stuff.co.nz.