Why “overpraising” your grandchildren is harmful
Parenting has changed a lot over the decades and many would argue that today’s positive self-esteem style of parenting is perhaps not the best for children. Nobody wants (grand)children with low self-esteem but it seems the over-celebration and overzealous praise of children has gone too far to the other end of the scale.
A study released earlier this year has found that parents who showered their kids with praise not only taught them to feel superior to others but the children were more likely to suffer from narcissism.
Psychologists from the Netherlands studied 565 children between seven and 11 for several years and found kids who had been “overvalued” by their parents were more likely to become narcissistic. The typical parent who “overvalued” their child believed telling their children they were more special than others would increase their self-esteem. However, researchers found no evidence of this; instead finding children were taught they were entitled to special treatment.
Professor Brad Bushman, one of the study’s authors said children can internalise the view that they are special and are superior to other children, a view that is at the core of narcissism.
“Children believe it when their parents tell them that they are more special than others. That may not be good for them or for society,” he said.
What boosted children’s self-esteem was warmth and affection, a finding that helped change one of the researchers own parenting style.
“When I first started doing this research in the 1990s, I used to think my children should be treated like they were extra-special. I’m careful not to do that now. It is important to express warmth to your children because that may promote self-esteem, but overvaluing them may promote higher narcissism,” said Professor Bushman.
This study builds on past research that indicates overpraising has the opposite intended effect of boosting confidence and self-esteem in children. Showering children with praise doesn’t make children work harder, or do better. Research continually finds that kids who are overpraised are easily discouraged when tasks are difficult, challenging or unpleasant. In fact, they are more likely to cover-up or lie to make their work and performance seem better to garner the praises. Even more concerning is that kids who’ve spent their entire childhood being overpraise can find failure in the real world shattering and difficult to manage.
The point isn’t to criticise children or not give out praise when it’s earned, but to recognise that positive self-esteem and confidence comes as a result of true achievements, not false accomplishments. To say otherwise is doing children of today’s generation the greatest disservice.
Related links:
The evolution of parenting styles. FYI: a lot has changed
Grandparents are key to happy grandchildren
8 reasons why it’s important to read to your grandkids