Parents at war: the harm it does to kids
Margaret Cunningham, 61, is “semi-retired” from her role in digital communications. She is a hobby writer who particularly enjoys writing articles with a reflective viewpoint. A lifelong passion of health and fitness means she is known in her community as “that lady who runs.”
Getting a divorce or ending a relationship is tough on any couple, but it’s even tougher when there are children involved. Tougher still when the parents are celebrities. Whether we like it or not, for the next few weeks, months, or years, maybe, we’ll be exposed to an Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt “media blitz” over the couple’s impending divorce. He said. She said. Jolie vs Pitt. Like a game of ping-pong.
Bad-mouthing each other can be extremely destructive and harmful to children. Comments about an ex-partner can impact children in many negative ways. It chips away at self-esteem, is stressful, it affects learning, some children can become distraught, worried, anxious and feel hopeless.
Family law specialist, Julia Garwood, says that because kids identify with both parents, bad-mouthing your ex to your child is, in a sense, bad-mouthing your child.
“If you tell your child that his or her co-parent is garbage or a liar and cheat, your child hears you say that he or she is half garbage or a liar and cheat.”
In our household, my husband and I have raised our granddaughter. She is now 19 and in her first year of university. For the most part her mother, my daughter, has been out of the country so our legal obligations have been with the father. And what a rich and rewarding experience this has been. I smile now as I write the words “rich" and “rewarding" because at the beginning there was enough anger to fuel an explosion of cataclysmic proportion. It was an abysmal situation. We were two families who, to put it bluntly, wished the other didn’t exist.
Thankfully, I was never privy to the Family Court hearing between the parents of our granddaughter but snippets of information passed down from well-meaning advisers suggested it was indeed ugly. Every mistake, every lapse in judgment and every piece of dirt, imaginary or otherwise, became a lethal weapon for both sides.
How did we make it work? To be honest wading through the murky waters of “right" versus "what is right for the child", initially felt like being set adrift into a blinding rainstorm minus anchor and oars. One sheet of paper and five sentences of legal instruction became our license to operate. The rest was up to us. So we started with one rule. In a private conversation between the father and myself we made an agreement we would not bad-mouth each other to anyone when our granddaughter was within earshot – in fact we would positively support one another. It went further – we decided the rule also applied to our families – no bad-mouthing!
There is something very ugly when parents and adult family members habitually tear each other down with damaging comments. It exposes our ugly, and deep down I do not think that is where anyone really wants to be. As I mentioned before, for us it was like navigating a boat in a blinding storm – relationships had to be repaired, respect earned and trust deserved. But in any fractious and testy relationship, it only takes one person and one affirming comment to start the ball rolling. Our "no bad-mouthing" decision between the two of us, started the process and it was this one rule that gradually eliminated the insecurity and mistrust from the relationship. Today I take much pleasure in the rapport we have.
Only adults place conditions on love. No matter what parents do, children love their parents unconditionally. When anyone puts down someone or something we love, it hurts. It’s not just the expletive-laden abuse between warring couples that is harmful. Any comment or action used to run down a parent or turn a child against the parent is destructive. An action as innocuous as the raising of the eyebrows or shrugging of the shoulders in a “…that’s typical of him/her” fashion is equally as harmful. So too are the whispered comments in a “… we all knew he/she was no good” by well-meaning aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends. Children should have their love for their parents acknowledged, supported and encouraged by both Mum, Dad and family members in an affirming manner.
Parents need to support each other in their love for their child. Our "no bad-mouthing" rule did not mean prancing about praising and exhorting one another. It was simply about angry adults not pulling one another down in front of our child. If an issue arose that needed resolving, and there often was in the beginning, the father and I met privately and our "no bad-mouthing” rule was the expected behavior in these conversations. Our rule slowly repaired the relationship and it still remains the guts of our relationship today.
There is truth in the adage: “The tongue has no bones, but it is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words.
It’s not about winning or losing. There are no winners; there will never be winners when families are torn apart. The best thing Jolie and Pitt can do for their children is to try to get along in a civil way. If they can do this then they give their children a gift beyond measure.
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