New-age nanas: a guide to successful grand-parenting in the 21st century
From the naughty-step to catching up on Skype, grand-parenting today is a whole new ballgame. Susan Moore – the author of New Age Nanas: Being a Grandmother in the 21st Century – talks to Over60 about the ins and outs of grand-parenting now.
So you’ve got a gorgeous new grandchild – or one on the way – who you think is the best thing since sliced bread. And you cannot wait to be a part of their life. Although, it’s not always that simple. You have to be careful what you do and say. You’re no longer in charge, your child and their spouse are – and deferring to their rules and wishes isn’t as easy as you might think. This is only one of the many conundrums grandparents today are faced with.
This day in age, it’s quite common for both parents to work which means mums are looking to return to work sooner than generations past. As a result – sometimes because of the high cost of childcare – grandparents are looked to as part-time carers. But with new parenting styles, like the naughty step and timeouts being popular these days, coupled with there being a world of new gadgets to navigate, like iPads as TVs and Skype, grand-parenting duties can be taxing. So how do you talk to your kids if you’re feeling overwhelmed?
Emeritus professor of psychology and author, Susan More, says that when it comes to grand-parenting, you have choices. “Thankfully, most grandparents have choices in the way they grandparent,” she explains. “From sitting back and admiring how well their children are doing as parents right through to being an active and engaged source of childcare.”
When professor Susan Moore and her co-author – emeritus professor Doreen Rosenthal – began researching their book, they wanted to know what grandparents were thinking, feeling and doing with their grandchildren. “We asked these Australian women questions like ‘what’s the best thing and the worst thing about grand-mothering?’” Susan told Over60. “Most of those we surveyed and interviewed were overwhelmingly positive about their experiences; the love they felt for their grandchildren had given many a new lease of life. In fact, in response to ‘what’s the worst thing’, many said ‘nothing’ or ‘I don’t see them enough’.”
Susan is quick to say that today’s world is more complicated than it once was. "In most young families, both parents need to work,” she explains. “Young women are keen to return to careers but often feel torn and guilty about leaving their children in the care of others.”
The research conducted by the two professors found that families feel it a great comfort if it’s the grandparents who can help with care of young children. “If grandparents can help out, everyone benefits. But there’s no point in being a martyr and feeling resentful,” Susan says. “It’s important to work out what you think is a fair thing and discuss it with the family.”
Here are professor Susan Moore’s tips on ensuring you’re comfortable with your grand-parenting situation:
Make the effort
“It’s a great joy to be involved in a grandchild’s life. Many grandmothers we spoke to said that being a grandparent made them feel younger and gave them a new and more enthusiastic perspective on life. It’s a way of strengthening family ties and mending fences if that is needed.”
Negotiate
“Some of you have likely reached the age where you were hoping for some ‘me time’, with travel plans and personal interests to follow up. New parents can have expectations that do not align with what the grandparents had in mind! Time spent with grandchildren needs to be negotiated.”
Be prepared
“It helps to talk about these things even before the grandchild is born. Be positive and enthusiastic about the role you want to play in your grandchild’s life; make suggestions early about the kind of commitment you believe you can fulfil and what you don’t want to do. In other words, it’s good to set limits before they become an issue.”
Don’t make promises
“Don’t promise too much at the beginning. In the first flush of love for a grandchild it’s easy to get carried away. Be realistic – you can always offer more later, but it’s hard to cut back once you’ve made a promise because the parents will have arranged their work life around your commitment.”
Set time limits
“Put a time limit on your offering. This might be along the lines of ‘I’ll try it for three months then can we see how it’s going?’, or ‘I can do that this year, but we’ll need to talk again next year because my work commitments will have changed/I have travel plans/whatever’. A time limit offers you the option of change and somehow helps remove that ‘taken for granted’ feeling that some grandmothers can experience.”
Have a back-up plan
“You will get sick some times, or have an urgent commitment. Like everyone else, you’ll probably want a holiday from time to time. Discuss this with the parents beforehand so everyone knows where they stand and a back-up is arranged.”
Assess your energy
“Caring for a toddler when you’re over 60 is a very different matter from doing so when you’re 50. Your energy levels have changed and so have your reaction times – you may not be quick enough to stop her/him from eating the dog food. The sort of care you were able to give your first grandchild may not be possible 10 or 20 years later when the last grandchild is born. Discuss this with your family and let them know in as many ways as you can that it doesn’t mean you love the last one any less than the first. The grandmothers we spoke to were very keen not to show favouritism; especially those who remembered what not being the favourite felt like when they were children.”
Advice. Don’t give it
“A wise grandmother told us ‘keep your mouth shut and your arms open’. Times have changed, so have fashions in child rearing, sometimes for very good reasons. Even if you don’t agree with the parents’ methods of discipline or what they feed the children, or how they ‘hover’, grandmothers we spoke to recognised they were not the ones doing the parenting. Advice, no matter how well meaning, is likely to be resented, unless it’s asked for. If you want to discuss these issues with a parent, do it subtly and with a cool head, and be prepared to compromise.”
Keep up with new gadgets
“Learn how to manage those pesky child car restraints. You’ll also want to keep up with the new technologies so you can Skype the grandkids and keep up with the ones who are travelling in their gap year.”
Talk to other grannies
“It’s helpful to chat to other about what they do and how they cope – it broadens your perspectives and gives you a forum for sounding off if things don’t always work out how you’d like.”
Enjoy it!
“It’s a new and exciting phase of life, a chance to have new experiences and grow as a person. Make the most of it.”
New Age Nanas: Being a Grandmother in the 21st Century is available now