The do’s and don’ts of lending a helping hand
It can be difficult to know exactly what to say or do when a loved one is ill or grieving a loss. When a friend or family member is going through a tough time it is common to feel helpless. We worry about bringing up the wrong things and doing something that could make the whole situation worse. While your loved one will appreciate you for being there and wanting to support them, here is a guide of what to say and do when lending an often much needed helping hand.
DO say “I don’t know what to say” – When confronted with a grieving or sick loved one, we might freeze up feeling like we don’t know what to say or dwelling on the right thing to say. If you don’t know what to say tell them rather than not calling or visiting for fear of saying the wrong thing.
DO let them talk about the good AND bad – While you might instinctively try to direct conversation to cheerful topics (particularly if your loved one is not talking it is natural to fill the void with chatter), it is crucial they know that they can rely on you when they need to vent, grieve or cry. Make sure they know you are there for the bad as well as the good.
DO distract them – Although life may seem different at this point in time, sometimes falling back into normalcy is good (where appropriate). If there’s some juicy gossip or a funny Facebook post, share it with your loved one. If you had always gone to the movies together or watched a TV series, don’t stop. Maintaining a sense of normality is a good counterweight to the gravity of sickness and grief.
DON’T have any expectations – Everybody processes experiences differently so don’t put any pressure on your loved one about expected reactions or time frames. People are different so it is important to remember even if you have experienced the same situation, the grieving process might be different for your loved one.
DO help what you can – Your loved one needs you but often a “How can I help?” is not responded too. People may be too tired, polite or unsure to know what they need so without being too insistent, ask specifically what you can do to help. Maybe they need dinner cooked or transportation one day? Think of practicalities and anticipate rather than waiting to be asked.
DON’T try and fix it – When your loved one is upset it’s natural to want to fix things for them but the reality is you cannot fix their grief. There is little one can say to help a grieving person feel better but there are things you can do to support and comfort them.
DO continually check up on them – Whatever your friend or family member is going through will be a process and it is important they continually have support. Even if they don’t want company, make sure they know that you are there for them and just a phone call away.
DON’T give clichéd advice – When you say things like “I know how you feel” or “Everything will be alright” or “Don’t feel bad”, it can minimise their feelings and seems dismissive. It’s important to be empathetic but don’t assume you know how they feel. Be aware of how your words will be heard by someone going through a difficult time. While they might know things will get better, it is not how they feel right now. Remember to be sensitive.
DO know you are doing a good thing – Often we feel awkward when lending a helping hand. It might feel like you are not doing anything right, but know that your presence and support are doing more than you know. And that’s why you shouldn’t stop what you are doing.