The truth to long-lasting relationships
Scientists have made a discovery in the field of love. After years of research or what those in happy marriages already know, the secret to a successful relationship relies on two important traits: kindness and generosity.
In a world where only three out of ten marriages turn out to be happily ever after, with the majority ending in bitterness or divorce, psychologist John Gottman wanted to find out what makes a relationship work, scientifically.
Gottman, who runs The Gottman Institute which helps couples maintain healthy relationships, has been studying relationships since the 1970s.
In the past 40 years, he has observed thousands of couples interact and even hooked them up to machines to measure their bodily responses to each other and followed up in six years.
Gottman found couples could be split into two groups – the “masters”, those who were still happy and the “disasters” those whose relationships had broken down.
While the “disasters” seemed calm during interviews, they had elevated heart rates and more active sweat glands than the “masters.”
What does this have to do with love?
Well, Gottman found that the “disasters” were constantly in a state of “fight or flight” even when talking pleasantries with their spouse, they were essentially ready to attack or be attacked.
Gottman wanted to know more though.
In another study, he observed 130 newlyweds and found happier couples would make requests for connection.
These “bids” for each other’s attention could be a minor statement such as, “Isn’t the weather great today?” but the partners who responded in support and interest ended up in happy lasting relationships.
Gottman found divorced couples rarely respond or responded minimally (such as a head nod) to the bids.
These quests for intimacy have profound effects on marriages with these traits of kindness and generosity leaving both people in the relationship feeling cared for, understood and validated.
If kindness and generosity are the secrets to success, the opposite can tear a relationship apart.
Gottman found contempt was the number one cause in the destruction of marriages. Not only did couples who criticise each other miss half of the positive aspects of their partner and relationships but saw negativity when it wasn’t there.
Gottman explains, “there’s a habit of mind that the masters have which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
It’s relationship advice to keep in mind as Gottman and his scientist have a 94% success rate in determining whether a couple will last the distance or not.
So how does this science translate to the real world?
Simple. Kindness and generosity need to be practised just like a relationship needs nurturing and work for it to flourish and grow.
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