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Going home for the holidays? How to navigate conflict and deal with difficult people

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p>The holiday season is upon us and for many that means all the tension that comes with it. This time of year can be a minefield of uncomfortable moments, disagreement and outright conflict. It’s no wonder <a href="https://fortune.com/well/2022/12/03/home-for-holidays-family-gatherings-mental-health/">many young people</a> are apprehensive about returning home for the holidays after living far away.</p> <p>There are many reasons interpersonal difficulties can arise over the holidays. Perhaps your aunt doesn’t like what you did with her pie recipe, or your friend’s new partner has unsettling political beliefs. Maybe you haven’t lived at home in a while, but your family still talks to you like you’re the same person you were in school. Maybe you’re bringing your partner to meet your family for the first time, and aren’t sure whether everyone will get along.</p> <p>People have socialised less with friends and family <a href="https://triple-c.at/index.php/tripleC/article/view/1167">since the pandemic</a>, and may be feeling out of practice. This can be compounded by all the things people can disagree about.</p> <p>Some topics are higher risk for blowups, and best <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/book/10.1002/9781444354119#page=122">avoided</a> in such settings (religion and politics, for starters). Whether it’s <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11109-018-9476-2">true or not</a>, there’s a popular perception that tricky subjects are more numerous and divisive than ever. Dare one bring up anything adjacent to Brexit, vaccinations or the cost of living? Even bringing your mobile phone to the dining table could get you in trouble.</p> <p>So what happens if your uncle has too much mulled wine and something slips out that annoys or even horrifies you? Family arguments are a common theme in holiday films, but their scripted resolutions are rarely realistic and not based on <a href="https://repository.lboro.ac.uk/articles/book/Talk_the_science_of_conversation/9476291">empirical research</a>. By considering how these things work in the context of real interactions, we can move from what sounds good in theory to what we can put into practice.</p> <h2>Think before you speak</h2> <p>In real-world situations, <a href="http://pstorage-loughborough-53465.s3.amazonaws.com/21189843/Thesis2019Joyce.pdf">interactions can escalate</a> before you’re even fully aware that they’re happening. You might be able to anticipate why and how an interaction might become a problem. Does alcohol generally lead to arguments in your family? Are your parents usually hypercritical of your new partners? Consider how to avoid problems before they start.</p> <figure>In the moment, you can often spot “clues” that something is about to go awry. Trouble doesn’t usually emerge solely because of one person, but through <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9780429058011-13/conflict-interaction-phillip-glenn">the back-and-forth between people</a>. Assuming too much about who might be “the difficult one” and why won’t be helpful on its own.</figure> <p>You have to learn to recognise the conversational moves people are making (including your own) and see how <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780126235500500082">other people respond to them</a>. Some facial expressions can express doubt or distrust, and contemptuous expressions (such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2021.1936858">eye-rolling</a>) can signal that a conversation might take a turn toward insult rather than discussion. A response that starts with the word <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216615002465?casa_token=gyu3pjfpGrEAAAAA:VwEe8rVBXvsbF9V_aeYylN42IpKYeZ1BGqp85VoP_rkBQZtEI5AbuqBloiPxgTKfsJjj5VTSvcY">“well”</a> can be warning of incoming disagreement.</p> <p>As you notice what ways of speaking get what kinds of responses, you can be more thoughtful about what you choose to say. Even <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-99094-1_2">changing a single word</a> can shift the direction of a conversation. A common sign that a conversation is starting to escalate unhelpfully is that people begin <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2020.1826765?casa_token=AIU2DQgEJQUAAAAA%3AGoBBF8SPSXcDmiKBAwaIihjFngE1ck8QiVj0HFZO7VGxi8TtkOf7PB0j5NMV9ufgMN4BwF-dMFA1Gw">commenting on the conversation itself and accusing</a> one another of unreasonable behaviour. Once you learn to be more conscious of that, it can help you reflect on how to respond in ways that might deescalate… if that’s what you want to do.</p> <h2>Why we fight</h2> <p>There is a dilemma here: sometimes backing down from a conflict challenges our values of authenticity and commitment to our beliefs. If someone says something insulting, whether mild or <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216622002120">egregious</a>, it feels disingenuous and morally irresponsible to smooth things over. Some conflict is worth engaging, especially with someone you care about who is willing to listen and think about things. The complication is, that’s not always the case.</p> <p>Often when people argue about something they care about, they end up <a href="https://ttu-ir.tdl.org/handle/2346/16661">misaligned</a> or “talking at cross purposes”, where they’re not really even discussing the same thing anymore. Every conversation has a trajectory, but it’s entirely possible for a conversation to have <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786745#metadata_info_tab_contents">parallel or divergent trajectories</a>. In such cases, it’s unlikely that any amount of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/08351813.2019.1631044">good-faith discussion</a> is actually going to be <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216618304302?casa_token=y7CoCCptr6AAAAAA:LCHuB6-BRaH4HPIothLVX_ENhSPlfshapdyvxzk9LjlQa24WJyRM4sXF2_bFp6oiWAfWnsVIoK8">productive</a>.</p> <p>At the end of the day, it’s also worth considering what makes a person or conversation “difficult”. Assigning that word to someone <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1468-2885.2001.tb00234.x?casa_token=g5XfR-FKNLEAAAAA:GFvy6M4CY9IHrE51_NTEJDNgf6bdPqJZPX2Q2KZStBesgv8UIJDj7YTBnVMOSpRCDRWbX-DsmkQFaWQ">is not a neutral or objective</a> statement. Maybe you, in fact, are the “difficult person”. Maybe, for some kinds of conflict, you should want to be difficult. And maybe, sometimes, it’s alright to go outside and let off steam with a snowball fight.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/196751/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, Lecturer in Social Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/going-home-for-the-holidays-how-to-navigate-conflict-and-deal-with-difficult-people-196751">original article</a>.</em></p>

Family & Pets

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Channel Nine addresses rumours of "tension" on Today set

<p>Channel Nine has addressed rumours of tension and anxiety on the set of <em>Today</em>, with the relationship between hosts Karl Stefanovic and Sarah Abo reportedly being strained. </p> <p>According to reports to <a href="https://www.newidea.com.au" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>New Idea</em></a>, Stefanovic and Abo have been at odds over a reported $700,000 pay gap, with Karl reportedly earning $1.5million a year for his hosting duties while Abo brings home $800,000 a year.</p> <p>Despite the rumours of "tension" over the six-figure pay gap, Nine's director of morning television Steven Burling told <em><a href="https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/morning-shows/channel-9-denies-salary-leak-is-causing-tension-on-today-show/news-story/ecb1489015c2b038fd968652e9e0a6b8" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noreferrer noopener">news.com.au</a></em> that the rumours are "not even remotely correct".</p> <p>"The salary figures for our network talent published last week in various outlets were not even remotely correct. Anyone who watches <em>Today</em> can confirm there's absolutely no tension on set," Mr Burling said.</p> <p>"We couldn't be happier with our talented line-up of Karl, Sarah, Brooke, Alex and Tim who are working well and having a great time - end of story."</p> <p>The statement comes after <em>New Idea</em> spoke to a source allegedly close to the show, who said the news of the pay gap was "anxiety inducing" for new host Sarah, who took over from Ally Langdon in January. </p> <p>"The news of Karl's big pay cheque is anxiety inducing to say the least... Some are wondering why she isn't being more equally matched with Karl," a source allegedly said.</p> <p>"If you were Sarah would you stay and put on a smile every day knowing full well you're being paid so much less than your male counterpart for doing the same job? I can imagine she's likely disappointed."</p> <p><em>Image credits: Today</em></p>

TV

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Prince Harry admits to "significant tensions" with Palace staff

<p>Prince Harry has laid bare "significant tensions" with one of Queen Elizabeth's top aides as his case against police protection has gone to court. </p> <p>The Duke of Sussex is suing the UK Home Office due to its refusal to spend taxpayers’ money on his bodyguards after he quit royal life in January 2020. </p> <p>The Sun reports that Prince Harry's lawyers asked Mr Justice Swift at a hearing in London to allow a full judicial review of the Home Office’s decision.</p> <p>They revealed Harry believes the Queen’s private secretary, Sir Edward Young, “should not have been involved” in the February 2020 decision, adding there were “significant tensions” between the pair.</p> <p>The Executive Committee for the Protection of Royalty and Public Figures (known as Ravec) - of which the Queen’s private secretary was involved - ruled that Prince Harry would no longer be given the “same degree” of personal protective security when visiting the UK, despite offering to pay for it himself.</p> <p>The duke’s legal team want to argue the security arrangements set out in a letter from Ravec, and their application when he visited the UK in June 2021, were invalid due to “procedural unfairness”.</p> <p>Shaeed Fatima QC, the lawyer for the duke, told the court, “He didn’t know at that stage that the Royal Household was involved at all... he was told it was an independent decision.”</p> <p>She also said there were “significant tensions” between Harry and Sir Edward Young, at that time which influenced the decision. </p> <p>Ms Fatima said he was denied the opportunity to make representations directly to Ravec and was “materially prejudiced” because “among other things, his offer to pay (for security) was not conveyed to Ravec before the decision was made”.</p> <p>Harry has now hinted at a second lawsuit, with the court filing adding, “[Prince Harry] has engaged in pre-action correspondence for a proposed second judicial review claim in relation to these matters, and intends to issue that claim shortly.”</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Legal

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"She’d be furious!": New insight into Betty White and Bea Arthur’s relationship

<p dir="ltr">Just one month after her passing, Hollywood gossips are looking for dirt on beloved actress Betty White - and they have uncovered just how frosty her relationship was with her co-stars.</p><p dir="ltr">Joel Thurm, the casting director for <em>Golden Girls</em>, <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/revealed-golden-girls-co-stars-vicious-insult-to-betty-white/6ENEB66WZQRHQE7YZRZMJ2XO5A/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">revealed</a> that White’s main co-stars Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan thought little of her and described her using quite colourful language during his appearance on <em><a href="https://theoriginals.libsyn.com/the-originals-24-bad-timing-special" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Originals</a></em> podcast.</p><p dir="ltr">He shocked the podcast hosts with the intensity of Bea Arthur’s language relating to White, saying their fury came after she mocked fellow <em>Golden Girls</em> actress Estelle Getty in front of a live audience when she began to forget her lines.</p><p dir="ltr">“That may seem like a minor transgression, but it really does get to you … I have no idea how Estelle Getty felt, but I know the other two did not like (White) at all,” Thurm said.</p><p dir="ltr">Getty passed away in 2008 from Lewy body dementia after retiring from acting in 2001 due to ailing health.</p><p dir="ltr">Andrew Goldman, the host of <em>The Originals</em>, took to Instagram following the episode.</p><p dir="ltr">“When I got into journalism, maybe I didn’t dream at 49 I wouldn’t be refereeing a fight between deceased sitcom stars,” he <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CZz5yr1rTe2/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">wrote</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">“I’m very happy for the attention my latest episode of ‘The Originals’ is getting because Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan apparently used the ‘c-word’ to describe Betty White.”</p><p dir="ltr">White had previously spoken about her tense relationship with Bea Arthur, revealing that her co-star had little fondness for her during a 2011 interview with Village Voice.</p><p dir="ltr">“Bea had a reserve. She was not that fond of me. She found me a pain in the neck sometimes,” White said at the time.</p><p dir="ltr">“It was my positive attitude - and that made Bea mad sometimes. Sometimes if I was happy, she’d be furious!”</p><p dir="ltr"><em>Image: Getty Images</em></p>

TV

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Tax time tension: Ally and Karl cross swords on set

<p>The <em>Today</em> show's Karl Stefanovic and Allison Langdon had a hilarious moment at the desk during Wednesday morning’s episode.</p> <p>Karl’s unmistakable banter did not falter on Wednesday during a segment on the financial year, when Ally was forced to defend herself after her co-host made an odd accusation.</p> <p>"Tomorrow is the start of the new financial year. We all know what that means: it's tax time," Allison said.</p> <p>However Karl interrupted to say: "Well, Ally hasn't done her taxes for the last 10 years. Just alerting the ATO..."</p> <p>Ally quickly hit back: "That's not true"</p> <p>"I get them in on time every year, Mr Tax Commissioner," she added, before laughing.</p> <p>Karl managed to throw in one more dig before he continued with the segment.</p> <p>"Every decade she's on time," he quipped.</p> <p>The hilarious exchange follows just days after Ally took a swipe at Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews.</p> <p>The politician shared a video about his back injury and returned to work after recovering for months out of office.</p> <p>Mr Andrews explained how he fell over while getting ready for work at a rented holiday home on March 9.</p> <p>Alu said: "We wish him all the very best. I thought the video was a bit of an election pitch to that?"</p> <p>Nine presenter Alicia Loxley and Shadow Minister for Education and Shadow Minister for Women Tanya Plibersek also shared their own opinions.</p> <p>Alicia called the video "cringeworthy" and "stage-managed", but thought the clip could get the Premier back on side with Victorians.</p>

TV

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Global Times publishes new offensive cartoon as tensions boil

<p><em>The Global Times</em>, a Chinese state-owned newspaper has not relinquished its attacks against Australia as they publish a brutal new graphic.</p> <p>The new tabloid features an Australian Defence Force member holding a sign with the words “human rights” while grinning for a camera – out of frame he is standing on a covered, bloodied body.</p> <p>The cartoon was created by artist Liu Rui and is a reference to the recent war crime allegations that includes the brutal slaying of 39 Afghans.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">A perfect picture of hypocrisy/Global Times Cartoon <a href="https://t.co/o64bN19QWr">pic.twitter.com/o64bN19QWr</a></p> — Hu Xijin 胡锡进 (@HuXijin_GT) <a href="https://twitter.com/HuXijin_GT/status/1334158699040960512?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2020</a></blockquote> <p>The new cartoon is the latest of three and indicates China shows no sign of backing down first in its feud with Australia.</p> <p>It came to a head this week after Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Zhao Lijian shared a doctored image on Twitter that depicted an Australian soldier holding a knife to the throat of a young child.</p> <p>On December 1, the newspaper released another cartoon that showed a kangaroo in a suit with a bloodied knife next to it by artist Chen Xia.</p> <p>That article demanded Mr Morrison and the Australian Government “take full responsibility for the deteriorating relationship with China” and claimed “Australia exaggerated and distorted Zhao’s comment and use of cartoon over the crime of Australian troops”, calling it “a false image”.</p> <p>“The country that owes an apology is Australia – to China. And to Afghanistan first and foremost for slaughtering their innocent people,” the editorial wrote defending the first image that Mr Morrison slammed.</p> <p>“It needs to seriously reassess the damage done its own international optics caused by this double standard outburst regarding ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘human rights’.”</p> <p><em>Afghanistan Times Daily</em> editor-in-chief Mansoor Faizy also weighed in on the feud – arguing that the real tragedy was the killing of Afghans being ignored.</p> <p>“A storm of outrage escalated after Chinese officials refused to remove the post, rather than ask Australian officials to apologise to the Afghan people for the unlawful killing of innocent Afghans with inhuman war crimes,” Mr Faizy wrote.</p> <p>“It’s the Australian soldiers who diminished their country’s image by killing helpless Afghan innocents. Asking China to remove the post, or being ashamed of this post, does no good to Australia.</p> <p>“The best thing Canberra can do is to investigate the war crimes in the most transparent way.”</p>

News

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​“She’s dead to me:” Tension reaches limit between Voice judges

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text ">Kelly Rowland and Guy Sebastian have seemingly reached their limits on <em>The Voice</em> whole mentoring together.<br /><br />For better or for worse however, their bitter feud was mentioned during a <em>9Now</em> interview this week where Guy, 38, admitted they Kelly is “sort of, dead to me”.<br /><br />And their bitter feud was evident during an interview with <em>9Now</em> this week.<br /><br />The singer went on to say with a laugh: “Because she follows everyone else on Instagram and she doesn't follow me, whatever.”<br /><br />However, the other coaches Delta Goodrem and Boy George had nothing but praise for their fellow judges.<br /><br />35-year-old Australian pop star Delta, revealed how she met Guy when he was on <em>Australian Idol</em> back in 2003.<br /><br />“He had my poster on his keyboard!' she said.<br /><br />“I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, Guy's singing to my poster!’”<br /><br />Boy George, shared the moment he first met Kelly.<br /><br />“I actually went up to Destiny's Child in a restaurant and I said, ‘I love your music, I'm a massive fan!’”<br /><br />Kelly made headlines last week when she stormed off stage after she admitted she felt Guy had made an “unfair” song choice for Bukhu Ganburged and Johnny Manuel's duet.<br /><br />Guy had allowed bookies' favourite Johnny to take the lead in the performance while Mongolian throat singer Bukhu only just had a supporting role.<br /><br />In an earlier episode, Kelly went head to head with Guy after he turned his chair for a singer in the blinds even though he already had a team that was full.</div> </div> </div> <div class="post-action-bar-component-wrapper"> <div class="post-actions-component"> <div class="upper-row"></div> </div> </div>

Music

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How to stay calm and manage those family tensions during the coronavirus lockdown

<p>The coronavirus restrictions are <a href="https://theconversation.com/as-restrictions-ease-here-are-5-crucial-ways-for-australia-to-stay-safely-on-top-of-covid-19-138000">slowly being eased</a> but the pressures on families at home still probably lead to many tears of frustration.</p> <p>It could be tensions about noise and clutter, keeping up with home schooling and mums and dads torn between parenting and their own work duties.</p> <p>So to make sure our memories of being locked in with our families are as positive as possible, here are some evidence-based tips for calming down, preventing conflict and dealing with any sibling rivalry.</p> <p><strong>Take a deep breath</strong></p> <p>If you feel yourself getting angry at something, breathe in while counting to three. Then breathe out slowly counting to six (or any patterns with a slower out breath). If you do this ten times you should notice yourself <a href="https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0005796710001324" title="Differential effects of mindful breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and loving-kindness meditation on decentering and negative reactions to repetitive thoughts">becoming calmer</a>.</p> <p>If you’re too agitated to breathe slowly, put your <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S019745561300124X" title="The impact of breathing and music on stress levels of clients and visitors in a psychiatric emergency room">hands on your heart</a> and simply wait until you feel more relaxed. Try counting to ten or 100 <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02699931.2011.579088" title="Counting to ten milliseconds: Low-anger, but not high-anger, individuals pause following negative evaluations">before you react</a>.</p> <p>Leave the room and take a break. Plan to deal with the niggle another time. When you’re on break, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022103107000078" title="Take a break! or not? The impact of mindsets during breaks on negotiation processes and outcomes">do something to distract yourself</a> like make a drink, listen to music, look at a beautiful picture or play a video game that is absorbing.</p> <p>Call a <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15374416.2010.517160" title="Parent–Child Relationships and Dyadic Friendship Experiences as Predictors of Behavior Problems in Early Adolescence">friend</a> or <a href="https://au.reachout.com/urgent-help">professional helpline</a> to help you get another perspective, especially if you feel scared or hurt.</p> <p>Different strategies work for different people, so try them all. Encourage your kids to keep trying if they don’t initially succeed. You need to practise any skill to make it feel natural. For <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0300443940970112" title="Encouraging the development of responsible anger management in young children">younger children</a>, taking a break may be <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/42900065" title="Encouraging the development of responsible anger management in young children">simpler</a> to master.</p> <p><strong>Ease the tension before things blow</strong></p> <p>It’s good to calm down from explosions but it’s even better if you can reduce the build-up in the first place.</p> <p>Take time to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/21642850.2016.1228458" title="A structural equation model of conflict-affected youth coping and resilience">share some of the problems</a> upsetting people and see if as family you can negotiate a solution.</p> <p>It’s likely everyone in your family is more tense because of the COVID-19 crisis. Many aspects can’t be easily fixed, like lost work or money stress, but others can, such as creating new routines or sharing space, resources or chores.</p> <p>Work out different ways to get exercise indoors, like games or apps. <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1529100618821893" title="Beyond Willpower: Strategies for Reducing Failures of Self-Control">Plan ahead</a> for the times that need extra care, like when people are tired, or if difficult tasks need finishing. Let others know what to expect.</p> <p>And importantly, <a href="https://spssi.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1998.tb01217.x" title="Resilience and Thriving: Issues, Models, and Linkages">lower expectations</a> for everyone. What used to be easy might now be hard, and that’s okay.</p> <p><strong>Control the emotions</strong></p> <p>Help everyone work on <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/per.1993" title="Explaining the Link Between Personality and Relationship Satisfaction: Emotion Regulation and Interpersonal Behaviour in Conflict Discussions">managing their emotions</a>. Just because you are experiencing extra distress doesn’t mean you should snap at your loved ones.</p> <p>You need to grow your <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-014-0227-6" title="Building resilience for future adversity: a systematic review of interventions in non-clinical samples of adults">toolkit</a> of things that make you feel calmer and happier when you’re under pressure.</p> <p>It could be spending time talking about what is going right and what is okay, working with your hands, meditation or prayer, time with your partner, reading or learning something new.</p> <p>Every day, take time do something from your toolkit to chill out.</p> <p><strong>Talk to each other</strong></p> <p>When the tension is lower, quiet family conversations can help by <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022096514002215" title="Parenting predictors of cognitive skills and emotion knowledge in socioeconomically disadvantaged preschoolers">naming any stresses</a>. Naming things like “this is a stressful time” or “I’m a bit grumpy about work today” helps children process emotions.</p> <p>It’s important to <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0033294116646159" title="Effects of Active Listening, Reformulation, and Imitation on Mediator Success: Preliminary Results">actively listen</a> to others and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2000-05084-011.html" title="The Triple P-Positive Parenting Program: A comparison of enhanced, standard, and self-directed behavioral family intervention for parents of children with early onset conduct problems">celebrate strengths</a>.</p> <p>Listening and repeating back what others say makes people feel heard, and so does acknowledging shared feelings (“I miss my friends too”). When parents calmly talk about how some things cannot be easily changed, it <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-1-4614-3917-2_5" title="Community-Based Practice Applications of a Family Resilience Framework">builds acceptance</a>.</p> <p>Over time, the most powerful thing to prevent explosions is to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2014.07.001" title="Peeking into the black box: Mechanisms of action for anger management treatment">notice when anger is building</a> so you can deal with it before things escalate.</p> <p>It’s useful to reflect on <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-08103-013" title="Cognitive behavioural interventions for anger, aggression and violence">questions</a> such as “Will this matter in 20 years?” and “Am I taking this too personally?”</p> <p>You can help children by exploring <a href="https://www.pediatricnursing.org/article/S0882-5963(03)00083-6/fulltext" title="Communication approaches to parent-child conflict: young adolescence to young adult">what might really be bothering</a> them. That argument about a toy might be about feeling sad. Try to listen for the deeper message, so they feel understood.</p> <p><strong>Calm that sibling rivalry</strong></p> <p>If sibling rivalry is driving you to distraction, the good news is <a href="https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/sibling-rivalry/coping-sibling-rivalry/" title="COPING WITH SIBLING RIVALRY">it does not</a> mean there is something wrong. Low-level sibling bickering is common during times of tension and boredom.</p> <p>But you should <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00746.x" title="Step In or Stay Out? Parents' Roles in Adolescent Siblings' Relationships">step in</a> when the volume goes up with nasty name-calling or physical contact.</p> <p> </p> <p>Acknowledge emotions, help the kids express what they feel and encourage empathy. Try to help them decide what’s fair, instead of imposing your view.</p> <p>More serious incidents require you to stop the interaction. If there is harm, separate the kids, care for the hurt child and consider a consequence. Use time-outs to calm things down, not for punishment.</p> <p>But like all conflict, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0149718912000651" title="Enhancing sibling relationships to prevent adolescent problem behaviors: Theory, design and feasibility of Siblings Are Special">prevention</a> is better than punishment. Does one child need more attention, exercise, stimulation or structure? Do certain toys need to be put away, or shared?</p> <p>Depending on the age of your children, you can help older kids to learn to react gently to provocation. Praise children when they take steps to manage their stress.</p> <p>Remember, these are stressful times for many families around the world. If we can use this time to stay patient, manage tension and act with goodwill towards our loved ones, our families will be better equipped to weather COVID-19, and many other storms that will follow.</p> <hr /> <p><em>For more help and information see our <a href="http://www.socialchangelab.net/covid19.html">website</a> or go to <a href="https://www.1800respect.org.au/">1800Respect</a> and <a href="https://www.ntv.org.au/">No To Violence</a>.</em></p> <p><em>This article was co-written with help from Tori Cooke at <a href="https://www.ntv.org.au/">No To Violence</a>, Peter Streker at <a href="http://communitystars.com.au/">Community Stars</a>, Carmel O’Brien at <a href="https://www.psychrespect.com/">PsychRespect</a>, and the University of Queensland’s students Ruby Green and Kiara Minto.</em><!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/137166/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/winnifred-louis-3612">Winnifred Louis</a>, Professor, Social Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-queensland-805">The University of Queensland</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/tom-denson-122725">Tom Denson</a>, Professor of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/unsw-1414">UNSW</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-stay-calm-and-manage-those-family-tensions-during-the-coronavirus-lockdown-137166">original article</a>.</em></p>

Relationships

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China lashes out at Scott Morrison as diplomatic tensions escalate

<p>China has lashed out at Scott Morrison for trying to blame the COVID-19 pandemic on the communist state, warning that any push for an independent inquiry into the virus’ origins will spark a travel and trade boycott of Australia.</p> <p>As diplomatic tensions escalated Tuesday night, the Department of Foreign Affairs issued a rebuke to China for leaking confidential details of a private conversation between Australian officials and China over the threats.</p> <p>But the state-controlled <em>People’s Daily </em>accused the Prime Minister of trying to use the calls for a probe to deflect criticism over his mishandling of the bushfires and the coronavirus crisis.</p> <p>“The deeply troubled Morrison government is anxious to find an outlet for the domestic public’s anger,” reported the publication.</p> <p>“They are using an old trick to try and blame China.”</p> <p>They predicted that the Prime Minister’s request for an independent inquiry would fail, saying France and the United Kingdom would reject it.</p> <p>“This is a slap on the face which has come quickly,” it wrote.</p> <p><em>Global Times</em>, a newspaper run by the state, also slammed Morrison with the headline: “Morrison’s adventurism could damage China-Australia relations beyond repair.</p> <p>“The Morrison administration is spearheading this malicious campaign to frame and incriminate China with groundless conjecture and outlandish fabrications,” an editorial states.</p> <p>“Based on unsubstantiated anecdotes and hearsay, Australia has been spreading preposterous lies accusing China of opening wet markets trading in wildlife across the country. Sensational tales, which are far from reality, are being told by media shock jocks and some politicians, who allege that bats are on menus in restaurants in China. This nonsense is stigmatising the Chinese community and the Chinese way of life.</p> <p>“This is an all-out crusade against China and Chinese culture, led by Australia.”</p>

International Travel

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'Joker' fans flocking to a Bronx stairway highlights tension of media tourism

<p>New York’s <a href="https://www.vulture.com/2019/10/the-joker-stairs-an-afternoon-at-nycs-newest-attraction.html">newest tourist attraction</a> isn’t a museum, park or art installation.</p> <p>It’s a stairway.</p> <p>Sandwiched between apartment buildings in the Bronx, it’s been dubbed by moviegoers the “Joker Stairs,” earning its name and fame after being featured prominently in “<a href="https://www.joker.movie/">Joker</a>.” Since the film’s release, fans have flocked to the stairs, where they’ve been posing for photos – much to the annoyance of <a href="https://gothamist.com/arts-entertainment/tourists-flood-joker-stairs-frustrating-bronx-residents">some local residents</a> – and uploading them to social media.</p> <p>As I’ve learned from studying <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/21502552.2014.937923">film-related tourism</a>, it’s common for people to visit the places they see in their favorite movies and TV shows. But the relationships among tourist sites, visitors and locals aren’t always the same, and some destinations are more benign than others.</p> <p><strong>A place appears on screen – and is transformed</strong></p> <p>The Joker Stairs are the site of one of the movie’s most memorable scenes: when Arthur Fleck, played by Joaquin Phoenix, embraces his murderous Joker identity and blithely dances down a long stairway near his apartment.</p> <p>The film cues viewers to the significance of the moment. Peppy music eclipses the sounds of the city. Slow-motion shots allow viewers and Fleck to linger. The scene appears on <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joker_(2019_film)#/media/File:Joker_(2019_film)_poster.jpg">movie posters</a> and in other <a href="https://www.joker.movie/">publicity materials</a>.</p> <p>When fans learned that the iconic scene was filmed on location at the outdoor staircase connecting Shakespeare and Anderson Avenues in the Bronx, they started <a href="https://www.vulture.com/2019/10/the-joker-stairs-an-afternoon-at-nycs-newest-attraction.html">traveling to the site</a>. Some wore costumes. Some played music from the film’s soundtrack. Others simply brought their cameras. Images tagged <a href="https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/jokerstairs/">#JokerStairs</a> started appearing on Instagram, introducing the visually striking site to even more people, who then wanted to see it for themselves.</p> <p>It’s not unusual for people to visit sites they know from movies, TV shows, books or memes. Tourists strike their “<a href="https://www.artic.edu/artworks/6565/american-gothic">American Gothic</a>” pose in front of the Eldon, Iowa, house from Grant Wood’s famous painting. So many people flocked to the shore of Thailand’s Maya Bay after watching “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0163978/">The Beach</a>” that the site became overcrowded and polluted. In <a href="https://discovernorthernireland.com/things-to-do/attractions/game-of-thrones/game-of-thrones/">Northern Ireland</a>, official tours showcase places that appear in “Game of Thrones,” and <a href="https://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/ATR/SI_ENG_6_4.jsp">South Korea’s tourism board</a> highlights sites from popular dramas.</p> <p>Tourists who visit these attractions view them through what scholars call a “<a href="https://uk.sagepub.com/en-gb/eur/the-tourist-gaze-30/book234297">mediatized gaze</a>” – a way of seeing a place that’s been influenced by its depiction in some form of media. The mediatized gaze can change an otherwise unremarkable site into a must-see destination. It can make locals, not just visitors, think differently about a place.</p> <p>One of the most famous examples of this phenomenon involves another set of stairs. In 1976, “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075148/">Rocky</a>” sparked a fan practice that <a href="http://tupress.temple.edu/book/20000000009206">turned the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art</a> into a landmark now known as “the Rocky Steps.”</p> <p><strong>One set of stairs isn’t like the other</strong></p> <p>Beyond the fact that they’re both outdoor stairways that have become tourist destinations, the Rocky Steps and the Joker Stairs are more deeply intertwined.</p> <p>The film’s director, <a href="https://www.imdb.com/list/ls025720609/videoplayer/vi4003249945">Todd Phillips</a>, has acknowledged that “Joker” pays homage to many movies from the 1970s and early 1980s. Its scenes, stylistic features and characters include nods to films such as “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075314/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1">Taxi Driver</a>,” “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074958/?ref_=nv_sr_2?ref_=nv_sr_2">Network</a>” and “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085794/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1">The King of Comedy</a>.”</p> <p>Few critics, however, have made the connection to “Rocky.”</p> <p>Each film tells the story of a down-and-out guy who, over the course of the movie, gradually finds his confidence. And each film uses an architecturally striking set of stairs to symbolize the protagonist’s development.</p> <p>Rocky, the boxer played by Sylvester Stallone, initially struggles to run up the art museum steps; he’s out of shape and daunted by the prospect of training for the biggest boxing match of his life. Only after building up his physical strength and self-esteem does he bound up the steps, pump his fists and soak in the view of the Philadelphia skyline.</p> <p>In early scenes of “Joker,” Phoenix’s Arthur Fleck trudges up the long flight of stairs – a routine that underscores his sad existence. When he emerges as Joker, however, he navigates the stairs with eerie aplomb.</p> <p>At the turning point in “Rocky,” however, Rocky ascends the stairs; Fleck, on the other hand, descends. For one character, it represents his heroic potential. For the other, it symbolizes his descent into infamy.</p> <p>The Rocky Steps and the Joker Stairs are different in another important way. The Rocky Steps lead to the Philadelphia Museum of Art, a space designed for crowds and tourists, and imbued with cultural power. The Joker Stairs are located in a more residential neighborhood that is poorer than other parts of the city.</p> <p>In the film and through tourism, the Rocky Steps bring people into a space of privilege. They represent success and accomplishment, both for the fans who spring up the stairs and for a city that has benefited from their pop culture fame.</p> <p>At the Joker Stairs, however, it’s the people with privilege who are more likely to descend on the neighborhood and its newly famous steps. They see and treat the site differently than locals who know the stairs as part of their commute, the place they used to skateboard or where their parents told them not to walk after dark.</p> <p>These differences contribute to the tension surrounding the Joker Stairs. While a tourist might be excited about the adventure of tapping into a piece of popular culture, a local might be wary about the attention from outsiders.</p> <p>To truly understand what’s happening at the Joker Stairs, it’s important to think about the role they play – both in the film and in real life.</p> <p><em>Written by <span>Laura M. Holzman, Associate Professor, Public Scholar of Curatorial Practices and Visual Art, IUPUI</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/joker-fans-flocking-to-a-bronx-stairway-highlights-tension-of-media-tourism-125907" target="_blank"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p>

International Travel

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Grant Denyer opens up about tensions at 2DayFM breakfast show

<p>Last week, news broke that 2DayFM breakfast show co-host Em Rusciano was driving away staff because of her diva behaviour.</p> <p>Now, Grant Denyer has made the first official comments about the tensions in the studio.</p> <p>“I try not to get involved in that at all, I turn up, bring my A game and try my hardest,” Denyer told <em><a href="https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/sydney-confidential/grant-denyer-opens-up-on-tensions-with-2dayfm-cohost-em-rusciano/news-story/68fc0472900ae740ac94ab9f3c8c6496" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>The Daily Telegraph</strong></span></a>.</em></p> <p>“Em is handling the situation herself … I think you will have to talk to her about that.”</p> <p>Denyer would not respond to questions asking if his fellow co-hosts, Em Rusciano and Ed Kavalee, were talking to each other off-air.</p> <p>“(There are no tensions) not with me, I am good,” he said.</p> <p>“We are three different personalities, we come at it from totally different angles. We are three strangers, who are still gelling.”</p> <p>However, Denyer, who received a Gold Logie nomination this week, has said that he was committed to making the show a success.</p> <p>“I want this to work, I am in it to win it,” he said.</p> <p>“The last four (teams) have failed.</p> <p>“I know it is no small task to take a show which has been at the bottom and turn it around, but I am up for the challenge.”</p> <p>Last week, one source revealed that several people had left the breakfast show and others were looking for work.</p> <p>“Things are at breaking point, people just cannot work with her (Rusciano’s) energy. There have been … casualties at the hands of Em Rusciano,” the source told The Daily Telegraph.</p> <p>“The audio producer is now working on another show, the publicist is refusing to work with her and one of the producers has told the company that they are looking for other work.”</p>

News

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Tensions flare between two Studio 10 hosts

<p>A behind-the-scenes feud between presenters Ita Buttrose and Denise Drysdale on Studio 10 has reached a tipping point with the hosts refusing to speak to each other off-air.</p> <p>According to sources, Buttrose and Drysdale’s relationship has soured to a point that the pair are no longer talking off camera.</p> <p>However, the claim has been rubbished by Network 10 as “nonsense”.</p> <p>Yesterday was the first time the two hosts appeared on Studio 10 together this year.</p> <p>A source told news.com.au that Drysdale told producers she wasn’t happy sitting next to Buttrose. As a result Buttrose moved from her usual position on the panel and was instead seated next to Natarsha Belling.</p> <p>Drysdale and Buttrose were seated next to each other for one segment.</p> <p>The reports have been refuted by a Network Ten spokesperson, who told news.com.au, “Ita and Denise are consummate professionals and these unsubstantiated allegations are offensive”.</p> <p>“Ita and Denise have the highest respect for one another and thoroughly enjoy working as part of the Studio 10 family together. To suggest otherwise is nonsense and deliberately mischievous.”</p> <p>But sources tell the publication that tensions between Buttrose and Drysdale have been escalating for months, with Drysdale unhappy that Buttrose gets preferential treatment, like having her own dressing room.</p> <p>The rift reportedly reached boiling point last November when the Studio 10 hosts and regulars filmed a Christmas song in Sydney.</p> <p>During the end of filming, Drysdale jokingly started throwing brussels sprouts at the direction of Buttrose, a couple of which hit her.</p> <p>The following day, viewers and audience members noticed the women appeared strained on-air.</p> <p> </p>

TV

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5 ways to decrease stress in relationships

<p>Stress. It can completely derail even the strongest amongst us and end up seeping into every aspect of life, including our closest relationships. Stress is a modern day epidemic with the majority of Australians reporting at least moderate stress levels some of the time. While these fluctuate depending on age, gender, occupation and other factors, one thing is clear – safeguarding ourselves and our relationships against stress is important.</p> <p>The good news? If managed correctly, times of stress can actually bring a couple closer together as they navigate the challenge together. Knowing how to do so, and manage stress without it impacting your relationship is key. Here are five ways to decrease stress in your relationships.</p> <ol> <li><strong>Avoid assigning blame</strong> – The blame game is never a good one to play. It can be highly destructive and there are never any winners. In times of stress it can be easy to try and place blame, the better option is to focus on uniting to face the challenge together.</li> <li><strong>Be respectful of each other’s feelings</strong> – We all handle stress in different ways. Recognising that fact and respecting it is important. If we don’t do so, it’s very easy for each partner to feel hurt and unheard. Acknowledge that each way of handling stress and tension is valid and agree not to purposely undermine each other’s coping mechanisms.</li> <li><strong>Identify the source of stress</strong> – Stress has to come from somewhere. It’s often easy to confuse exterior issues with relationships problems. This commonly happens with money issues and concerns. If the source of stress is outside the relationship itself then acknowledge this and manage it as an issue that exists outside of your partnership and not a reflection of your as a couple.</li> <li><strong>Reaffirm your partnership</strong> – Long-term relationships can sometimes be in danger of “going through the motions”. We assume that we are there for our partner and them for us but don’t actually state this out loud or directly. Remind yourself and your partner often that you are a strong, unified partnership who takes on challenges as a team.</li> <li><strong>Get help if needed</strong> – Therapy or just seeking an outside opinion can be the saving grace of some relationships. If you’re struggling with an issue, seek professional help and do it quickly. You have a much better chance of solving your problems that way.</li> </ol> <p>What’s the best relationship advice you’ve been given? Share in the comments below.</p> <p><strong><em>Looking for love – or perhaps you just want to meet some new people? <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://ad.doubleclick.net/ddm/clk/301420739;128433504;u" target="_blank">Why not sign up at RSVP today by clicking here… You never know who is just around the corner.</a></span></em></strong></p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/09/what-not-to-do-after-a-break-up/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">5 things not to do after a break-up</span></strong></em></a></p> <p> </p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/10/4-truths-to-change-your-mindset-about-dating/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>4 truths to change your mindset about dating</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/how-do-you-cope-when-you-lose-your-life-partner/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">How do you cope when you lose your life partner?</span></strong></em></a></p>

Relationships

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