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The lies we tell on dating apps to find love

<p>Nearly <a href="http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/02/13/8-facts-about-love-and-marriage/">one-fourth of young adults</a> are looking for love through dating websites or apps.</p> <p>This relatively new form of courtship <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201404/pros-and-cons-online-dating">can give you access to a large pool of potential partners</a>. It also presents a unique set of challenges.</p> <p>For example, you’ve probably heard about – or have personally experienced – a date that was planned online but didn’t go well for <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-hodge/online-dating-lies_b_1930053.html">one of the following reasons</a>: He was shorter than his profile said he was, she looked different in person than she did in her photos, or he was talkative over text but it was like pulling teeth at dinner.</p> <p>In other words, a person’s profile – and the messages sent before a date – might not capture who a person really is.</p> <p><a href="https://academic.oup.com/joc/article/68/3/547/4986443">In a 2018 paper</a>, my colleague <a href="https://comm.stanford.edu/faculty-hancock/">Jeff Hancock</a> and <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=-GBU6qkAAAAJ&amp;hl=en">I</a> wondered: How often do people who use dating apps lie? What sort of things are they prone to lie about?</p> <p><strong>‘My phone died at the gym’</strong></p> <p>Our studies are some of the first to address these questions, but others have also examined deception in online dating.</p> <p>Past research <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167208318067">focused largely on the dating profile</a>. Studies have found, for example, that men tend to overstate their height and lie about their occupation, while women understate their weight and <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1460-2466.2009.01420.x">tend to have less accurate photos</a> than their counterparts.</p> <p>But profiles are only one aspect of the online dating process. Only after messaging your match will you decide if you want to meet him or her.</p> <p>To understand how often people lied to their partners and what they falsified, we evaluated hundreds of text messages exchanged after daters swiped right, but before they met – a period we call “the discovery phase.” We recruited an online sample of over 200 participants who provided us with their messages from a recent dating conversation and identified the lies, with some participants explaining why these messages were deceptive and not jokes.</p> <p>We found that lies could be categorized into two main types. The first kind were lies related to self-presentation. If participants wanted to present themselves as more attractive, for example, they would lie about how often they went to the gym. Or if their match appeared to be religious, they might lie about how often they read the Bible to make it seem as if they had similar interests.</p> <p>The second kind of lies were related to availability management, with daters describing why they couldn’t meet, or giving excuses for radio silence, like lying about their phone losing service.</p> <p>These deceptions are <a href="https://dl.acm.org/citation.cfm?id=1518701.1518782">called “butler lies”</a> because they’re a relatively polite way to avoid communication without completely closing the door on the connection. If you’ve ever texted, “Sorry I went AWOL, my phone died,” when you just didn’t want to talk, you’ve told a butler lie.</p> <p>Butler lies don’t make you a bad person. Instead, they can help you avoid <a href="https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/7-signs-of-a-desperate-dater/">dating pitfalls</a>, such as appearing always available or desperate.</p> <p><strong>Purposeful or pervasive lies?</strong></p> <p>While deceptions over self-presentation and availability accounted for most lies, we observed that only 7 percent of all messages were rated as false in our sample.</p> <p>Why such a low deception rate?</p> <p>A robust finding across recent deception studies suggests that the majority of people are honest and that there are only <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0261927X14528804">a few prolific liars</a> in our midst.</p> <p>Lying to appear like a good match or lying about your whereabouts can be completely rational behaviors. In fact, most people online <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563216304800">expect it</a>. There’s also a benefit <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1jVvQbvZLQ">to lying just a little bit</a>: It can make us stand out in the dating pool, while making us feel we’ve stayed true to who we are.</p> <p>However, outright and pervasive lies – mentioning your love for dogs, but actually being allergic to them – can undermine trust. One too many big lies can be problematic for finding “the one.” There was another interesting result that speaks to the nature of deception during the discovery phase. In our studies, the number of lies told by a participant was positively associated with the number of lies they believed their partner told.</p> <p>So if you’re honest and tell few lies, you think that others are being honest as well. If you’re looking for love but are lying to get it, there’s a good chance that you’ll think others are lying to you, too.</p> <p>Therefore, telling little lies for love is normal, and we do it because it serves a purpose – not just because we can.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/101061/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/david-markowitz-528569">David Markowitz</a>, Assistant Professor of Social Media Data Analytics, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-oregon-811">University of Oregon</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-lies-we-tell-on-dating-apps-to-find-love-101061">original article</a>.</em></p>

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Archie’s godparents finally revealed after months of rumours

<p>Little Archie’s godparents have been revealed, after many months of debate, to be two of Prince Harry close confidantes throughout his childhood.</p> <p>Tiggy Pettifer, Harry and William's former nanny, and Mark Dyer, his mentor, were asked by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to be Archie's godparents ahead of his christening last July, according to The Sun.</p> <p>Tiggy, who was considered an essential asset to the royal family for both Prince William and Harry, left the royal household and married a former Coldstream Guards Officer, Charles Pettifer.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7834027/tiggy-pettifer-plus-mark-dyer-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/92b28663b7914205a3725e6821b8401b" /></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><em>Tiggy Legge-Bourke and Mark Dyer attend the Sovereign's Parade at Sandhurst Military Academy to watch Prince Harry pass-out as commissioned officer Second Lieutenant Harry Wales of the Blues and Royals on April 12, 2006</em></p> <p>She was photographed in Windsor on the day of Archie's christening, and has been spotted with both of Prince Charles’ boys while they were still teenagers.</p> <p>Mark Dyer, 53, is a former equerry to the Prince of Wales who became a mentor and friend to his sons.</p> <p>He advised them on their military careers and is believed to have remained a close friend of Prince Harry.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7834028/tiggy-pettifer-plus-mark-dyer-2.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/8617a9c27d294893b7063d9c672e72b9" /></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><em>Tiggy Legge-Bourke and Mark Dyer attend the Sovereign's Parade at Sandhurst Military Academy to watch Prince Harry pass-out as commissioned officer Second Lieutenant Harry Wales of the Blues and Royals on April 12, 2006</em></p> <p>Harry and Meghan have been determined since their relationship was first made public to do things differently from the rest of the royal family, and this included keeping their first son, Archie, as far away from media scrutiny and the eyes of the public as possible.</p> <p>Baby Archie's christening took place at Windsor Castle on July 6.</p> <p>The godparents' names were revealed as Harry and Meghan are planning their new life away from the royal family as they split time between the UK and North America.</p> <p>A statement from The Queen said she was aware of the overwhelming scrutiny the Harry and Meghan has gone through over the last few years and that the family has found "a constructive and supportive way forward".</p> <p>"Harry, Meghan and Archie will always be much loved members of my family," the monarch said.</p> <p><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/lifestyle/family-pets/the-queen-s-secret-message-to-harry-and-meghan" target="_blank">Buckingham Palace released in a statement that the Sussexes will not use their HRH titles and will be commonly known as Harry, Duke of Sussex and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.</a></p>

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Prince Harry’s ex-girlfriend breaks her silence

<p>Cressida Bonas has broken her silence on her ex-boyfriend Prince Harry’s decision to step back from his royal duties with his wife Meghan.</p> <p>In an interview with <em><a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/esmagazine/cressida-bonas-interview-selfdoubt-and-overcoming-labels-a4335111.html">ES Magazine</a></em>, the English actress and model – who dated Prince Harry from 2012 to 2014 – was asked if she related to the Duchess Meghan’s struggle with public scrutiny.</p> <p>Bonas declined to comment “out of respect” for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.</p> <p>“I wouldn’t take a position on that because it would be a headline,” Bonas said.</p> <p>“I want to talk about my work. And also out of respect. What’s the expression? How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was an ex talking about me? It feels like a long time ago, so when it comes up it feels strange because I’m in a very different place now – I’m getting married, I’ve learned a lot. I’m much more comfortable in my own skin. I’m growing.”</p> <p>Bonas said despite having broken up with the Prince six years ago, she still found herself courting questions about their relationship.</p> <p>“The hurdles and barriers for me are when I’m trying to do my work and people want to talk about him,” the 30-year-old said.</p> <p>“I work very hard and love what I do – I just want to continue. But it is still something I have to contend with.”</p> <p>Bonas, the granddaughter of Edward Curzon, 6th Earl Howe, has remained friends with Prince Harry and attended his wedding in 2018. She is now engaged to property developer Harry Wentworth-Stanley.</p>

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What Plato can teach you about finding a soulmate

<p>In the beginning, humans were androgynous. So says Aristophanes in his fantastical account of the origins of love in Plato’s <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false">Symposium.</a></p> <p>Not only did early humans have both sets of sexual organs, Aristophanes reports, but they were outfitted with two faces, four hands, and four legs. These monstrosities were very fast – moving by way of cartwheels – and they were also quite powerful. So powerful, in fact, that the gods were nervous for their dominion.</p> <p>Wanting to weaken the humans, Zeus, Greek king of Gods, decided to cut each in two, and commanded his son Apollo “to turn its face…towards the wound so that each person would see that he’d been cut and keep better order.” If, however, the humans continued to pose a threat, Zeus <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q=hopping&amp;f=false">promised</a> to cut them again – “and they’ll have to make their way on one leg, hopping!”</p> <p>The severed humans were a miserable lot, Aristophanes <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=snippet&amp;q=longed&amp;f=false">says</a>.</p> <blockquote> <p>“[Each] one longed for its other half, and so they would throw their arms about each other, weaving themselves together, wanting to grow together.”</p> </blockquote> <p>Finally, Zeus, moved by pity, decided to turn their sexual organs to the front, so they might achieve some satisfaction in embracing.</p> <p>Apparently, he initially neglected to do so, and, Aristophanes <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=snippet&amp;q=cicadas&amp;f=false">explains</a>, the severed humans had “cast seed and made children, not in one another, but in the ground, like cicadas.” (a family of insects)</p> <p>So goes Aristophanes’ contribution to the Symposium, where Plato’s characters take turns composing speeches about love – interspersed with heavy drinking.</p> <p>It is no mistake that Plato gives Aristophanes the most outlandish of speeches. He was the famous comic playwright of Athens, responsible for bawdy fare like <a href="http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Greek/Lysistrata.htm">Lysistrata</a>, where the women of Greece “go on strike” and refuse sex to their husbands until they stop warring.</p> <p>What does Aristophanes’ speech have to do with love?</p> <p><strong>Is love a cure for our “wound?”</strong></p> <p>Aristophanes says his speech explains “the source of our desire to love each other.” He <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=snippet&amp;q=tries%20to%20make%20one%20out%20of%20two%20and%20heal%20the%20wound%20of%20human%20nature&amp;f=false">says</a>,</p> <blockquote> <p>“Love is born into every human being; it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature. Each of us, then, is a ‘matching half’ of a human whole…and each of us is always seeking the half that matches him.”</p> </blockquote> <p>This diagnosis should sound familiar to our ears. It’s the notion of love engrained deep in the American consciousness, inspiring Hallmark writers and Hollywood producers alike – imparted with each Romantic Comedy on offer.</p> <p>Love is the discovery of one’s soulmate, we like to say; it is to find your other half – the person who completes me, as <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-towering-narcissism-of-jerry-maguire">Jerry Maguire</a>, Tom Cruise’s smitten sports agent, so famously put it.</p> <p>As a philosopher, I am always amazed how Plato’s account here, uttered by Aristophanes, uncannily evokes our very modern view of love. It is a profoundly moving, beautiful, and wistful account.</p> <p>As Aristophanes depicts it, we may see love as the cure for our wound, or the “wound of human nature.” So, what is this wound? On one hand, of course, Aristophanes means something quite literal: the wound perpetrated by Zeus. But for philosophers, talk of a “wound of human nature” suggests so much more.</p> <p><strong>Why do we seek love?</strong></p> <p>Humans are inherently wounded, the Greek philosophers agreed. At the very least, they concluded, we are prone to fatal habits, seemingly engrained in our nature.</p> <p>Humans insist on looking for satisfaction in things that cannot provide real or lasting fulfillment. These false lures include material goods, also power, and fame, Aristotle <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.1.i.html">explained</a>. A life devoted to any of these goals becomes quite miserable and empty.</p> <p>Christian philosophers, led by Augustine, accepted this diagnosis, and <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/3296/3296-h/3296-h.htm">added</a> a theological twist. Pursuit of material goods is evidence of the Fall, and symptomatic of our sinful nature. Thus, we are like aliens here in this world – or as the Medievals would put it, pilgrims, on the way to a supernatural destination.</p> <p>Humans seek to satisfy desire in worldly things, Augustine <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/3296/3296-h/3296-h.htm">says</a>, but are doomed, because we bear a kernel of the infinite within us. Thus, finite things cannot fulfill. We are made in the image of God, and our infinite desire can only be satisfied by the infinite nature of God.</p> <p>In the 17th century, French philosopher Blaise Pascal <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm">offered</a> an account of the wound of our nature more in tune with secular sensibilities. He claimed that the source of our sins and vices lay in our inability to sit still, be alone with ourselves, and ponder the unknowable.</p> <p>We seek out troublesome diversions like war, inebriation or gambling to preoccupy the mind and block out distressing thoughts that seep in: perhaps we are alone in the universe – perhaps we are adrift on this tiny rock, in an infinite expanse of space and time, with no friendly forces looking down on us.</p> <p>The wound of our nature is the existential condition, Pascal suggests: thanks to the utter uncertainty of our situation, which no science can answer or resolve, we perpetually teeter on the brink of anxiety – or despair.</p> <p><strong>Is love an answer to life’s problems?</strong></p> <p>Returning to Plato’s proposition, issued through Aristophanes: how many view romantic love as the answer to life’s problems? How many expect or hope that love will heal the “wound” of our nature and give meaning to life?</p> <p>I suspect many do: our culture practically decrees it.</p> <p>Your soulmate, Hollywood says, may take a surprising, unexpected form – she may seem your opposite, but you are inexplicably attracted nonetheless. Alternately, your beloved may appear to be initially boorish or aloof. But you find him to be secretly sweet.</p> <p>Hollywood films typically ends once the romantic heroes find their soulmates, offering no glimpse of life post-wedding bliss, when kids and work close in – the real test of love.</p> <p>Aristophanes places demands and expectations on love that are quite extreme.</p> <blockquote> <p>“[When] a person meets the half that is his very own,” he exclaims, “something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don’t want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment. These are people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another.”</p> </blockquote> <p>This sounds miraculous and alluring, but Plato doesn’t believe it. Which is why he couches it in Aristophanes’ satirical story. In short: it’s all quite mythical.</p> <p><strong>Does true love exist?</strong></p> <p>The notion of “soulmate,” implies that there is but one person in the universe who is your match, one person in creation who completes you – whom you will recognize in a flash of lightening.</p> <p>What if in your search for true love, you cast about waiting or expecting to be star-struck – in vain? What if there isn’t a perfect partner that you’re waiting for?</p> <p>Is this one reason why, as the Pew Research Center <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/">reports</a>, we see a record number of unmarried Americans?</p> <p>Alternately, what if you dive into a relationship, marriage even, expecting the luster and satiation to endure, but it does not, and gives way to…ordinary life, where the ordinary questions and doubts and dissatisfactions of life reemerge and linger?</p> <p>In his book <a href="http://thepenguinpress.com/book/modern-romance/">Modern Romance</a>, actor and comedian <a href="http://azizansari.com/">Aziz Ansari</a> tells of a wedding he attended that could have been staged by Aristophanes himself:</p> <blockquote> <p>“The vows…were powerful. They were saying the most remarkable things about each other. Things like ‘You are a prism that takes the light of life and turns it into a rainbow’…”</p> </blockquote> <p>The vows, Ansari explains, were so exultant, so lofty and transcendent, that “four different couples broke up, supposedly because they didn’t feel they had the love that was expressed in those vows.”</p> <p><strong>Enduring love is more mundane</strong></p> <p>Love is not the solution to life’s problems, as anyone who has been in love can attest. Romance is often the start of many headaches and heartaches. And why put such a burden on another person in the first place?</p> <p>It seems unfair. Why look to your partner to heal an existential wound – to heal your soul? This is an immense responsibility no mere mortal can address.</p> <p>I accept the backhanded critique Plato offers here through Aristophanes. Though I am hardly an expert on the matter, I have found his message quite accurate in this respect: true love is far more mundane.</p> <p>I should specify: true love is mundane in its origins, if not in its conclusion. That is to say, true love is not discovered all of a sudden, at first sight, but rather, it’s the product of immense work, constant attention, and sacrifice.</p> <p>Love is not the solution to life’s problems, but it certainly makes them more bearable, and the entire process more enjoyable. If soulmates exist, they are made and fashioned, after a lifetime partnership, a lifetime shared dealing with common duties, enduring pain, and of course, knowing joy.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72715/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/firmin-debrabander-217516">Firmin DeBrabander</a>, Professor of Philosophy, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/maryland-institute-college-of-art-2430">Maryland Institute College of Art</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-plato-can-teach-you-about-finding-a-soulmate-72715">original article</a>.</em></p>

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Whose side are you on? Hugh Grant weighs in on Megxit

<p>Hugh Grant, 59, has weighed in on the controversy swarming the British Royal Family and given his final opinion as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex prepare to step down as senior members.</p> <p>The actor has endured his fair share of scandals over the years and told<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/movies/new-movies/hugh-grant-backs-harry-and-meghan-amid-royal-crisis/news-story/385e52183bcdd310416e884a2b27881c/" target="_blank">news.com.au</a></em><span> </span>that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan’s announcement was understandable considering the Duke’s own experience with losing his mother, Princess Diana who died in 1997.</p> <p>“All I will say is that if I was Harry, and my mother had effectively been murdered by the British newspapers, to then watch your wife being taken to pieces by them, I would, like him, be very protective.”</p> <p>Princess Di lost her life in a horrific car accident as the vehicle she was in sped away from paparazzi in Paris. Prince Harry was just 12 years old at the time of her death.</p> <p>This past October, the now 35-year-old father of one, Archie, spoke openly about the tragic death of his mother on<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="https://www.itv.com/news/2019-10-17/prince-harry-diana-grief-meghan-markle-an-african-journey-itv-tom-bradby/" target="_blank">ITV News.</a></em></p> <p>“I think being part of this family, in this role and this job, every single time I see a camera, every single time I hear a click, every single time I see a flash, it takes me straight back,” he told the outlet.</p> <p>“So in that respect, it’s the worst reminder of her life as opposed to the best.”</p> <p>Grant has his own rocky relationship with the British tabloids and told<span> </span><a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TtgoV2CeNE&amp;feature=youtu.be" target="_blank"><em>SiriusXM’s “Radio Andy”</em></a><span> </span>that he thought “as a man, it’s [Harry’s] job to protect his family so I’m with him.”</p> <p>Prince Harry met with his grandmother Queen Elizabeth II, father Prince Charles and older brother Prince William, on Monday to discuss his and Duchess Meghan’s future within the royal family.</p> <p>Later the next day, Her Majesty released a statement after historic summit to announce she and her family were “entirely supportive” of her grandson, wife and son, although she “would have preferred” to have the couple remain as full-time royals.</p>

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What Prince William's body language reveals about his current state of mind

<p>A body language expert has revealed there may have been an underlying shift outsiders are not aware of that has given the Duke of Cambridge a newfound “confidence”.</p> <p>Despite the blow after blow the royals have faced, from Prince Andrew’s alleged sex escapades to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announcing their intention to step down as “senior royals”, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appeared strong and confident when greeting warm crows during a royal engagement.</p> <p>However there was one moment body language expert Judi James found particularly interesting, which was when Prince William presented his wife, Duchess Kate, with a single white rose.</p> <p>James told<span> </span><em>MailOnline<span> </span></em>that the “unusually romantic PDA” is a clear sign the couple enjoy meeting with crowds while fulfilling their royal duties.</p> <p>The couple were filmed walking out of Bradford City Hall before greeting crowds.</p> <p>After dividing their time up with the friendly royal fans and mingling is when the Duke tenderly handed his wife a single flower. </p> <p>Their appearance in the northern city comes as the couple finally got back to royal business amid the turmoil caused by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s announcement.</p> <p>“So there could have been a sense of trepidation as William and Kate appeared together in public after Harry and Meghan announced their move to Canada,” James said, after mentioning the country could take sides against either the Cambridge’s or the Sussex’s</p> <p>'The rock star reception with crowds screaming approval do have a visible effect on both William and Kate here, though, with their expression turning from mildly anxious to grins of utter delight as they greet the fans.</p> <p>“Kate performs some active mirroring with the children in the crowd, offering sweet 'baby Waves' before bending to their height to engage them in close up and quite lengthy conversations.”</p> <p>While the Duchess usually is a fan favourite among the crowds, James said it was actually William who was a “revelation” during their royal visit.</p> <p>“Whether it's relief or delight or both his often-shy smile broadens as the crowds show their love and with his signature frown gone you can see his upper cheeks rounded in what's called an 'Apple' effect that is always a sign of genuine pleasure. </p> <p>“He engages with the crowds using humour and emphatic gesticulation and there is every suggestion that his confidence is back. </p> <p>“Show-boating to the crowd he even hands his wife a rose in an unusually romantic PDA and it's clear from Kate's dimpled smile that she's enjoying the gesture too”.</p> <p>The body language expert added that the pair were much more expressive than usual but appeared to come across a little more tactile.</p> <p>“Even fun body language didn't seem to be down to the 'Meghan' factor of more tactile displays, it seemed based more on feelings of relief and delight at the tide of affection that greeted them. </p> <p>“It made William drop his guard a little and flirt with his wife while both he and Kate appeared to get much closer with and have more prolonged chats with what were very obviously their fans.</p> <p>“The pressure levels on these two must have been high over the past few weeks and bullying comments must have made them worry about negative public opinion after years of hard work to get it 'right' so it's not surprising that this upbeat reception made both William and Kate happy to be a bit more emotionally revealing than normal.”</p> <p>During the couple’s visit, they first stopped off at a community project that aims to strengthen bonds between grandparents and grandchildren in the West Yorkshire city. </p> <p>It was then after meeting warm and friendly crowds in Bradford's Centenary Square, the Duke and Duchess spent time at the British Asian restaurant chain<span> </span><em>MyLahore</em><span> </span>where Duchess Kate giggled as she made and drank a Kulfi milkshake.</p> <p>Her husband knocked up a mango lassi, which he called “delicious”.</p> <p>The couple’s engagement comes in the midst of alleged tension in the royal family as the Duke and Duchess recently announced they intend to step down from their royal duties.</p> <p>Scroll through the gallery to see the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s outing.</p>

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“Special and genuine”: Prince William uses sign language to honour TV translator

<p>Prince William is hard at work at Buckingham Palace as he handed out Most Excellence Order of the British Empire (MBEs).</p> <p>He impressed royal fans as he congratulated one guest in sign language.</p> <p>The Duke of Cambridge, 37, can be seen smiling at TV interpreter Alex Duguid as he communicated “congratulations Alex”.</p> <p>Duguid quickly thanked the Prince.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B7TaW8il-pi/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B7TaW8il-pi/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Kensington Palace (@kensingtonroyal)</a> on Jan 14, 2020 at 6:25am PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text "> <p>Duguid received his MBE for his services to deaf people and to British Sign Language education, as he has spent three decades helping broadcasters communicate with deaf audiences. Duguid also teaches British Sign Language courses through the organisation Signature, which helps hundreds of people communicate with deaf people.</p> <p>The Kensington Palace Instagram paid tribute to Duguid and his services, saying:</p> <p>“He is an example of how profoundly deaf people can have an impact on their community, their peers and their country.</p> <p>“He is passionate about BSL and the need to promote and protect it.”</p> <p>Many were quick to praise Prince William for using sign language to honour Duguid.</p> <p>“Prince William is such a great person. He takes time to make people feel special and appreciated. His smile is genuine also,” one person tweeted.</p> <p>“It is so lovely that William signed to Mr Duguid, who must have been very touched by the gesture. I love Williams smile when he finished!” another agreed.</p> <p>Other recipients that were honoured by Prince William include Father Brian D’Arcy, Sir Andrew Strauss, Margaret and William Foster and musician M.I.A.</p> </div> </div> </div>

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How to digitally disentangle after a break up

<p>Digital technologies can be great when <a href="https://theconversation.com/new-year-new-you-the-ups-and-downs-of-online-dating-53083">looking for love</a>, and displaying togetherness to the world. But for those who are facing Valentine’s Day with a newly broken heart, we offer a more useful gift than roses or chocolates. Inspired by Dua Lipa’s pithy advice in her hit song, <em><a href="https://genius.com/Dua-lipa-new-rules-lyrics#note-12660669">New Rules</a></em>, we have produced a practical checklist for how to deal with the digital aftermath of a romantic break up.</p> <p><strong>1) ‘Don’t pick up the phone’</strong></p> <p>As tempting as it might be to check up on your ex online, don’t do it. Yes, it’s easy to take a peek at your ex’s Facebook profile or Instagram feed and see what they’ve been up to, without them ever knowing you were there, but still …</p> <p>This kind of Facebook “stalking” is fairly common, but it <a href="https://theconversation.com/facebook-stalking-your-ex-can-become-addictive-and-hurt-you-in-the-long-run-49515">really isn’t a good idea</a>. It can lead to an increase in longing and sexual desire for your ex, levels of distress, and negative feelings, as well as a decrease in personal growth post-break up. Every time you visit your ex’s profile, it makes moving on that much harder for you (but doesn’t affect them in the slightest). Why put yourself through the pain?</p> <p><strong><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/k2qgadSvNyU?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></strong></p> <p><strong>2) ‘Don’t let him (or her) in’</strong></p> <p>When you’re in a relationship, all of the different ways you have of keeping in touch with your partner online are the bee’s knees. Facebook, Snapchat, WhatsApp, or Google make keeping up-to-date with each other so easy; but what about after a break up? Suddenly the WhatsApp thread that you used to make plans together can turn into a direct line for your ex to get a hold of you, while the location data you shared with each other on Google can make stalking you infinitely easier. What about the passwords you shared, or the logins you saved on your ex’s laptop – how much access does your ex actually have to you and your online accounts?</p> <p>After a break up, take steps to reduce their access. Some social media platforms such as Facebook have an option to end sessions on particular devices, and others, such as Google, give you the option of logging out of all devices. Consider changing your passwords or adding extra security to your accounts with two-step verification. You can also turn off location services on your mobile phone and other devices.</p> <p><strong>3) ‘Don’t be his (or her) friend’</strong></p> <p>This one is tricky. After you break up, should you “unfriend” your ex, and sever connections across social media? Severing your online connections might seem brutal, yet a big part of being able to move on after a break up is about being separate from your ex, both on and offline.</p> <p>If you don’t want to completely sever connections, there are other options. A good one is to add your ex to your “restricted list” on Facebook. This sneaky option means that it looks like you’re still friends with your ex, but you only share your posts with them when you choose “public” as the audience, or when you tag them in a post. And you can still see their posts – even though you know that’s not a good idea.</p> <p><strong>4) ‘If you’re under them, you ain’t getting over them’</strong></p> <p>Facebook “pushes” content at us. It reminds us of our own past posts, based on their popularity. It alerts us to new posts by the people who are important to us.</p> <p>On a bad day, you could get notifications about your ex’s current activities and reminders of memories of happier days as a couple. To dodge these bullets, do two things. First, alter your Facebook “on this day preferences” to remove people (your ex) or significant dates, and stop those unwelcome memories from coming at you.</p> <p>Second (if you are still Facebook “friends” with your ex), change the preferences for your news feed. There is an option to “prioritise who to see first”. Take that little blue star off of your ex’s photo, and their updates will no longer be top of your Facebook feed.</p> <p><strong>5) ‘He (or she) doesn’t love me’</strong></p> <p>If you have set your “status” on your Facebook profile to indicate romantic togetherness - for example, in a relationship, engaged, civil partnership – you may want to change it. A change from togetherness to singledom will only appear on your timeline if you choose for it to do so.</p> <p>Sharing news of the break up with your friends on social media can be like ripping off a plaster – painful but you only have to do it once. However, breaking the news will likely generate responses from your friends – for better or for worse. And if your friends aren’t too tech-savvy, those opinions <a href="https://theconversation.com/no-digital-natives-are-not-clueless-about-protecting-their-privacy-online-31654">may be quite public</a>. Think about letting your friends know that you’d rather communicate privately with them about the break up, online or offline.</p> <p><strong>6) ‘I’ve got new rules’ (for using my Netflix)</strong></p> <p>If you were cohabiting, it’s likely that you shared online accounts for everything from utilities to media streaming services like Spotify. Often, these accounts are intended to be used by just one person, and are password protected.</p> <p>If you are the account holder, change your passwords. Now.</p> <p>If you are not the account holder, get all of the details that you need from the accounts (for example the name of your electricity provider, the Game of Thrones episode you were watching) before your ex changes the password and you lose access.</p> <p><strong>7) ‘Write it down and read it out’</strong></p> <p>It’s tempting to make it look like you are coping really well and having an amazing time in your newfound singledom, by posting only very positive images and text about your fun activities and new friends. If your aim is to show your ex that you are doing great without them, go right ahead.</p> <p>But bear in mind that if your friends see those same posts, they may be less likely to offer you their support, exactly because you look like you are doing fine.</p> <p>So make good use of your online social media, and make it a force for good after a romantic break up. Don’t look at what your ex is doing. Do let your friends know that you need them. And things will start to look up.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/90592/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><em><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></em></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/wendy-moncur-101765">Wendy Moncur</a>, Interdisciplinary Professor of Digital Living, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-dundee-955">University of Dundee</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/daniel-herron-438258">Daniel Herron</a>, PhD Candidate, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-dundee-955">University of Dundee</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-digitally-disentangle-after-a-break-up-some-new-rules-90592">original article</a>.</em></p>

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The dark side of supportive relationships

<p>Imagine that you’ve had a heated argument with a co-worker, and you call up your husband or wife to talk about it. Your partner can react in one of two ways.</p> <p>They can assure you that you were right, your co-worker was wrong and that you have a right to be upset.</p> <p>Or your partner can encourage you to look at the conflict objectively. They can point out reasons why your co-worker may not be so blameworthy after all.</p> <p>Which of these responses would you prefer? Do you want a partner who unconditionally has your back, or one who plays devil’s advocate?</p> <p>Which is better for you in the long run?</p> <p><a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-50034-001">In a recent study</a>, we wanted to explore the contours and repercussions of this common relationship dynamic.</p> <p><strong>Do we want unconditional support?</strong></p> <p>If you’re like most people, you probably want a partner who has your back. We all tend to want empathetic partners who understand us, care for our needs and validate our views.</p> <p>These qualities – which relationship researchers <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-12631-002">refer to as interpersonal responsiveness</a> – are viewed as a key ingredient in strong relationships. Research <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-17764-005">has identified</a> links between having a responsive partner and being happy and well adjusted.</p> <p>But having an empathetic partner isn’t always a good thing – especially when it comes to your conflicts with others outside the relationship.</p> <p>When we get into an argument with someone, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.59.5.994">we tend to minimize our own contribution to the dispute and overstate what our adversary did wrong</a>. This can make the conflict worse.</p> <p>After being involved in a dispute, we’ll often turn to our partners to vent and seek support.</p> <p>In our study, we found that empathetic and caring partners were more likely to agree with their loved ones’ negative views of their adversary and blame the adversary for the conflict.</p> <p>We also found that people whose relationship partners responded this way ended up being far more motivated to avoid their adversaries, tended to view them as bad and immoral, and were less interested in reconciliation. In fact, a full 56% of those who had received this type of empathy reported avoiding their adversaries, which can harm conflict resolution and often involves cutting off the relationship.</p> <p>On the other hand, among the participants who didn’t receive this sort of support from their partners, only 19% reported avoiding their adversaries.</p> <p>Receiving empathy from partners also was related to conflict escalation: After their partners took their side, 20% of participants wanted to see their adversary “hurt and miserable,” compared to only 6% of those who did not receive this sort of support. And 41% of those who received empathetic responses tried to live as if their adversary didn’t exist, compared to only 15% of those who didn’t receive unwavering support.</p> <p><strong>Long-term consequences</strong></p> <p>These dynamics became entrenched over time. They kept people from resolving their disputes, even as people found their partners’ responses to be emotionally gratifying. For this reason, they continued to vent, which created more opportunities to fan the flames of conflict. People seem to seek partners who end up making their conflicts worse over time.</p> <p>What’s the lesson here?</p> <p>We often want partners who makes us feel understood, cared for and validated. And it’s natural to want our loved ones to feel supported.</p> <p>But soothing and validating responses aren’t always in our best long-term interests. Just as prioritizing immediate emotional gratification over the pursuit of long-term goals <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.0022-3506.2004.00263.x">can be costly</a>, there are downsides when partners prioritize making us feel good in the moment over helping us properly wrestle with life’s difficult problems from a rational, unbiased perspective.</p> <p>Those who want to better support their loved ones’ long-term welfare might want to consider first providing empathy and an opportunity to vent, but then moving on to the more difficult work of helping loved ones think objectively about their conflicts and acknowledge that, in most conflicts, both parties have some blame for the conflict, and just see the situation from very different perspectives.</p> <p>The truth can hurt. But sometimes an objective, dispassionate confidant is what we need most.<!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><span><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/edward-lemay-908525"><em>Edward Lemay</em></a><em>, Associate Professor of Psychology, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-maryland-1347">University of Maryland</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/michele-gelfand-205936">Michele Gelfand</a>, Distinguished University Professor, Department of Psychology, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-maryland-1347">University of Maryland</a></em></span></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-dark-side-of-supportive-relationships-128591">original article</a>.</em></p>

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Why more couples are choosing to live apart

<p>For many couples, moving in together signifies a big step in the relationship. Traditionally, this meant marriage, although nowadays most cohabit before getting married, or splitting up. But there is a third choice: living apart together.</p> <p>Not only is it <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/19424620.2014.927382">surprisingly common</a>, but living apart together is increasingly seen as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/03906700020030983">a new and better way for modern couples to live</a>. Surveys have previously suggested that around 10% of adults in Western Europe, the US, Canada, New Zealand and Australia live apart together, while <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19424620.2014.927382">up to a quarter</a> of people in Britain statistically defined as “single” actually have an intimate partner – they just live somewhere else.</p> <p>Living apart together supposedly gives people all the advantages of autonomy – doing what you want in your own space, maintaining preexisting local arrangements and friendships – as well as the pleasures of intimacy with a partner. Some even see it as “subverting gendered norms” – or at least that women can escape <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/09589236.2013.861346">traditional divisions of labour</a>.</p> <p>But <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-954X.12184">our research</a> shows a darker motivation – people can end up living apart because they feel anxious, vulnerable, even fearful about living with a partner. And, despite living apart together, women still often continue to perform traditional roles.</p> <p><strong>Staying separate</strong></p> <p>While some who live apart have long distance relationships, most live near one another, even in the same street, and are together much of the time. Nearly all are in constant contact through text, Facebook, Facetime and other messaging platforms. And virtually all expect <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/19424620.2014.927382">monogamous fidelity</a>.</p> <p>Surveys show <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1332/204674313X673419">three different types of couples</a> who live apart together. First are those who feel it is “too early”, or who are “not ready” to live together yet – mostly young people who see cohabitation as the next stage in their lives. Then there are the couples who do actually want to live together but are prevented from doing so. They can’t afford a joint house, or a partner has a job somewhere else, or can’t get a visa, or is in prison or a care home. Sometimes family opposition, for example to a partner of a different religion, is just too intense.</p> <p>Third is a “preference” group who choose to live apart together over the long term. These are mostly older people who have been married or cohabited before. It is this group that are supposed to use living apart to create new and better way of living.</p> <p><strong>Fears and threats</strong></p> <p>Our research, however, based on a nationwide survey supplemented by 50 in-depth interviews, points to a different story for many “preference” couples. Rather than seeking a new and better form of relationship through living apart together, the ideal remained a “proper” family – cohabitation, marriage and a family home. But respondents often feared this ideal in practice, and so “chose” to live apart as the best way to deal with these fears while still keeping a relationship. Often they had been deeply hurt in previous cohabiting relationships, financially as well as emotionally. Some women experienced abuse. As Michelle* explained:</p> <blockquote> <p>I don’t want to lose everything in my house, I don’t want to be possessed, I don’t, and I don’t want to be beaten up, by someone who’s meant to love me.</p> </blockquote> <p>Not surprisingly, Michelle had “built a very solid brick wall” with her current partner. It was living apart that maintained this wall. Another respondent, Graham, had experienced an “incredibly stressful time” after separation from his wife, with “nowhere to live and no real resources or anything”. So living apart was a “sort of self-preservation”.</p> <p>Current partners could also be a problem. Wendy had lived with her partner, but found that “when he drinks he’s not a nice person … He was abusive both to me and my son”.</p> <p>Living apart together was the solution. Maggie was repelled by her partner’s “hardcore” green lifestyle: his lack of washing, sporadic toilet flushing, and no central heating (which she needed for medical reasons). She also felt her partner looked down on her as intellectually inferior. So living apart together was “the next best thing” to her ideal of conjugal marriage.</p> <p>Some men found the very idea of living with women threatening. For Ben, “not a big commitment merchant”, living apart together was at least “safe”. And several men in the study hoped to find more “compliant” partners abroad. Daniel, whose current, much younger, partner lived in Romania, explained how his “whole universe was blown apart” by divorce. And how he felt that “females in England … seem to want everything straight off in my opinion – I just didn’t want to communicate with English women at all.”</p> <p>Given these fears, worries and aversions, why do these people stay with their partners at all? The answer is a desire for love and intimacy. As Wendy said:</p> <blockquote> <p>I do love him…[and] I would love to be with him, if he was the person that he is when he’s not drinking.</p> </blockquote> <p>Maggie told us how she “really loved” her partner and how they had “set up an agreement” whereby “if I do your cooking and your washing and ironing can you take me out once a month and pay for me”. Even Gemma, who thought living apart together gave her power in the relationship, found herself in “wife mode” and did “all his washing and cooking”.</p> <p>For some people, then, choosing to live apart is not about finding a new or better form of intimacy. Rather living apart is a reaction to vulnerability, anxiety, even fear – it offers protection.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/124532/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <ul> <li><em>names have been changed.</em></li> </ul> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/simon-duncan-680820">Simon Duncan</a>, Emeritus Professor in Social Policy, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-bradford-911">University of Bradford</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-more-couples-are-choosing-to-live-apart-124532">original article</a>.</em></p>

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All you need is love: the psychology of romance

<p>What makes a relationship last? And what makes one couple crumble while another becomes stronger?</p> <p>There are some psychological theories that can explain romance and relationships. Theories of love and romance are often misinterpreted as cold or callous. But knowing the physics behind rollercoasters does not reduce their thrill and excitement. In the same way, the thrills, spills and romance of relationships exist far beyond the theories.</p> <p>The formation of a relationship is arguably the one of the most special moments. Life seems a little brighter, a little happier, and a lot more beautiful.</p> <p>Sadly, for most, this only usually lasts for a matter of rose-tinted weeks, until the honeymoon period wears off and reality seeps back in. The halo is removed, and the <a href="http://psychology.about.com/od/socialpsychology/f/halo-effect.htm">effect</a> is diminished. It is at this stage that arguments usually begin, which, while not inherently unhealthy, can become so if they go unresolved.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZuometYfMTk?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><span class="caption">Explaining the ‘halo effect’.</span></p> <p>Some do find the resolution; others find their constitution – to continue. For those that do continue, the question psychologists often face is: why maintain an unhealthy relationship? It is to this question that psychological theories can shed some light.</p> <p><strong>The gambler’s fallacy</strong></p> <p>A man sits at a casino table, having lost a small fortune over a large amount of time. He mutters to himself: “my luck will change soon”. A woman sets out to go to work and sees it’s raining. Her car won’t start, and her umbrella is broken. Forlornly, she whispers: “surely, no more bad luck can happen”.</p> <p>In both cases, this is the <a href="http://www.princeton.edu/%7Eachaney/tmve/wiki100k/docs/Gambler_s_fallacy.html">gambler’s fallacy</a> at work – the belief that runs of bad luck cannot last. This same effect can be used to explain why someone in a relationship continues to hope the relationship improves despite long periods of dysfunctional interaction.</p> <p>In nature, previous events seldom predict the future. In human nature, our past <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/witness/201301/the-best-predictor-future-behavior-is-past-behavior-0">strongly predicts our future</a>.</p> <p><strong>Confirmation bias</strong></p> <p>Even when confronted with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you still <a href="http://www.princeton.edu/%7Eachaney/tmve/wiki100k/docs/Confirmation_bias.html">believe what you want</a>, and this belief is an impenetrable fortress. An overarching explanation for why people will not quit at relationships is our own ego. Implicitly, when we make most choices, we believe we are correct.</p> <p>To justify our choice, we then seek information to support it – sometimes dismissing or denying evidence to the contrary. Religion’s representation of miracles is an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GH9aHTkRRw0">example of this</a>.</p> <p>Irrespective of the myriad examples that falsify a claim, the one example that supports it is heralded and exaggerated. The scales should be weighed and judged equally.</p> <p><strong>Loss aversion</strong></p> <p>After some time, the relationship may have effectively broken down. Friends, family and the voice in your head are calling for a break-up. But some people still will not end their relationship.</p> <p>Why? Notable, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Kahneman">Noble-prize winning economists</a> developed the theory of <a href="http://loss-aversion.behaviouralfinance.net/">“loss aversion”</a> to explain people’s behaviour in winning and losing situations. On the one hand, having a dysfunctional relationship is a harmful, hurtful experience. However, usually by this stage, a person’s self-concept is so merged with their partner that being single seems worse still.</p> <p><a href="http://psp.sagepub.com/content/40/1/57.abstract">Studies</a> have shown that our self-esteem can become dependent on a partner, and so losing a loved one really is like losing a part of you.</p> <p>But tearing a band-aid off quickly hurts less in the long-run.</p> <p><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6XWqLJQ_7_k?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p>The psychology of romance can go a long way to explaining why some people maintain commitment to a relationship that seems to have broken down. Ultimately, few relationships are all smooth sailing, and no success achieved ever came easily. The journey is long, and at times a struggle.</p> <p>However, always be willing to openly ask yourself: what would I advise a friend in my position to do? Some psychological theories can help us understand why some people stick with rough relationships and try to ride out the storm. Even the best explanations and theories, however, cannot explain what it is to see colours or enjoy rollercoasters.</p> <p>Given the unpredictable, irrational nature of humans, maybe all you need is love.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/22975/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/david-keatley-106106">David Keatley</a>, Lecturer in Psychology, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/curtin-university-873">Curtin University</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/all-you-need-is-love-the-psychology-of-romance-22975">original article</a>.</em></p>

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How to 'love-craft' your relationships for health and happiness

<p>You know how to find happiness: Just meet Prince Charming (or Cinderella), overcome all obstacles, get married. The end.</p> <p>Sure, we <em>kind of</em> know real life doesn’t work like that. And yet this <a href="https://bigthink.com/aeon-ideas/how-a-hackneyed-romantic-ideal-is-used-to-stigmatise-polyamory">“romantic” story</a> remains right up there on its cultural pedestal. We measure ourselves against it when we “fail.”</p> <p>I know how that feels. I’m polyamorous — in two simultaneous loving relationships — which is a “failure” condition because if you <em>really</em> love someone, you aren’t supposed to want anybody else.</p> <p>But I’m also a philosophy professor, and I say this blinkered focus on a single story arc is making us miserable.</p> <p>Can’t we dethrone the fairy tale, and celebrate a range of stories with real people in them? Wouldn’t it be more creative — not to mention more honest — to <em>craft</em> the role of love in our lives to fit who we truly are?</p> <p>I’m not saying we’d all go around singing <em>Happy Days Are Here Again</em> if that happened, but I am saying love-crafting is conducive to living a meaningful life, which might just be the key to a deep kind of happiness.</p> <h2>The freedom to choose</h2> <p>As philosophers are wont to do, let’s start by distinguishing two concepts of “happiness.” One is about nice feelings: <em>Hedonic</em> happiness. The other is about broader well-being or flourishing — what Aristotle called <em>eudaimonia</em>. If you are <em>eudaimonic</em>, you might be deeply satisfied with your life, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you feel good all the time.</p> <p>Philosophers love to pull apart concepts like this, but we also like to mash disparate concepts together and see what happens. My conceptual recipe for <em>love-crafting</em> has three main ingredients drawn from happiness research, the world of business and management and the philosophy of love. A strange brew, sure, but hear me out.</p> <p>Let’s start with happiness. It is <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2002-18731-012">quite</a> <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.worlddev.2013.02.005">well</a> <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-1-4020-2903-5_14">known</a> that happiness is tied to <em>agency</em> — that is, making one’s own decisions. The link can be understood partly in biological terms. As neuroscientist <a href="https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-upward-spiral-using-neuroscience-to-reverse-the-course-of-depression/">Alex Korb explains</a>, one study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to measure brain activity shows that:</p> <blockquote> <p>“(a)ctively choosing caused changes in attention circuits and in how the participants felt about the action, and it increased rewarding dopamine activity.”</p> </blockquote> <p>Dopamine feels good, but there’s more to it than just that. Psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor <a href="http://www.beacon.org/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-P607.aspx">Viktor Frankl’s work with suicidal prisoners in Nazi death camps</a> led him to conclude that having a sense of meaning or purpose in life is ultimately what makes it worth living. He stresses agency in this connection, noting that:</p> <blockquote> <p>“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms —to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”</p> </blockquote> <h2>Reshape the raw materials</h2> <p>OK, but what does this have to do with business and management? Here we toss <em>job-crafting</em> into the mix. This concept was <a href="https://doi.org/10.5465/amr.2001.4378011">introduced by researchers Amy Wrzesniewski and Jane Dutton in 2001</a> to “capture the actions employees take to shape, mold, and re-define their jobs.”</p> <p>Although a job description determines the “raw materials” you have to work with, job-crafters creatively reshape their work for better alignment with their strengths and values.</p> <p>Wrzesniewski <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_igfnctYjA">describes one of the original inspirations for their theory</a>: A hospital cleaner who switched around the pictures in the rooms of coma patients, in case something about the changing environment might encourage their healing. This wasn’t in her job description — she <em>chose</em> to make it part of her role.</p> <p>This is huge, because the connection with agency brings <em>eudaimonia</em> into view. As <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/9780060919887/the-writing-life/">Annie Dillard powerfully reminds us in <em>The Writing Life</em></a>, “(h)ow we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”</p> <p>Now for the third ingredient: <em>Intentional love</em>. This has roots in the thought of <a href="https://www.britannica.com/biography/Erich-Fromm">social psychologist Eric Fromm</a>, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/347852.The_Road_Less_Traveled">psychiatrist M. Scott Peck</a> and feminist cultural critic bell hooks. In <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17607.All_About_Love"><em>All About Love</em></a>, hooks, for instance, says that: “(l)ove is an act of will, both an intention and an action,” and that “will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”</p> <p>Although we are taught to think of love as out of control, something we “fall” into, an “addiction,” and even a form of “madness,” that is not <em>intentional</em> love.</p> <h2>Break the rules</h2> <p>Now to combine the ingredients together:</p> <p>1) Exercising agency is tied to happiness — not just good feelings, but a deeper sense that one’s life has meaning.</p> <p>2) Job-crafting is a powerful way to exercise agency, even when your role has been externally prescribed.</p> <p>3) Love, like work, can be practised intentionally and thoughtfully.</p> <p>Conclusion? Love-crafting has <em>got</em> to be worth a try.</p> <p>So what would it look like? Better to ask what it <em>does</em> look like. Many love-crafters “break the rules” (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_igfnctYjA">as do some of their job-crafting counterparts</a>).</p> <p>Some forge a network of loving friendships that (gasp!) doesn’t include a focal romantic relationship. Some craft non-monogamous marriages, non-sexual romances, queer loves and all kinds of things we don’t have labels for yet.</p> <p>Others craft “normal” relationships. The difference between a monogamous, hetero (etc.) relationship that’s “fallen” into and one that’s <em>chosen</em> is all the difference in the world.</p> <p>As <a href="http://www.beacon.org/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-P607.aspx">Frankl says in <em>Man’s Search for Meaning</em></a>, “happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/359472-those-only-are-happy-i-thought-who-have-their-minds">Philosophers</a> <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/hedonism/#PsyHe">have</a> tried to tell us this for centuries, and now they have <a href="https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.10.890">empirical evidence</a> to <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0022010">back them up</a>. Once the point sinks in, it’s obvious: Chasing a “happily-ever-after” that’s externally prescribed by a one-size romantic ideal is a great way to <em>ruin</em> our chances of being happy-ever-at-all.</p> <p>Intentionally crafting love to make it meaningful to you? Now that might have a shot. This does not mean a life of wall-to-wall <em>The Hills Are Alive</em> happiness — hedonic feelings <a href="https://qz.com/1046605/theres-a-biological-reason-you-feel-down-after-having-the-time-of-your-life/">tend to come and go</a>.</p> <p>Rather, my money is on this hypothesis: like job-crafting, love-crafting tends towards <em>eudaimonia</em> — the deep happiness that makes everything else possible.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/102391/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><em><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></em></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/carrie-jenkins-544980">Carrie Jenkins</a>, Professor of Philosophy and Canada Research Chair, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-british-columbia-946">University of British Columbia</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-love-craft-your-relationships-for-health-and-happiness-102391">original article</a>.</em></p>

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Prince Andrew to walk Princess Beatrice down the aisle amid scandal

<p>Prince Andrew was notably absent at his daughter’s engagement party on Wednesday – but still plans to walk her down the aisle, reports said.</p> <p>The Duke of York, who stepped back from his royal duties last month amid the scandal surrounding his friendship with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, did not attend Princess Beatrice’s engagement party in London late Wednesday.</p> <p><span>“This is a devastating blow for the Duke and a sign of just how bad things have got,” a source told <em><a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/10582971/prince-andrew-misses-princess-beatrice-engagement-abuse-fear/">The Sun</a></em></span>.</p> <p>“He agreed that he didn’t want to overshadow the event, especially seeing lots of celebrities and high-profile people will be there and it could have put them in a difficult position.”</p> <p>However, Prince Andrew will still walk Beatrice down the aisle at her wedding to Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi in 2020, a source told <em><a href="https://www.etonline.com/prince-andrew-still-planning-to-walk-daughter-princess-beatrice-down-the-aisle-despite-jeffrey">ET</a></em>.</p> <p>The source said the royal family is putting on a “brave face” in response to the Epstein controversy despite their disappointment in the prince.</p> <p>“They love him; he’s family,” the source said.</p> <p>The source added that the wedding plans are yet to be fixed, with further details expected to be disclosed after a number of wedding venues have been explored.</p>

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Why Colin Firth and wife Livia Giuggi have separated now

<p>Colin Firth and his estranged wife Livia Giuggioli have made the decision to separate after attempts to rebuild their marriage failed, according to a report from<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://people.com/movies/why-colin-firth-and-wife-split-2-years-after-her-affair-nothing-could-erase-her-betrayal/" target="_blank">People</a>.</em></p> <p>On December 13th, the pair revealed that they are separating after 22 years.</p> <p> “They maintain a close friendship and remain united in their love for their children,” a rep said in a statement.</p> <p>Those who were close to the couple weren’t surprised by this development when it came out that Livia, 50, had an extramarital relationship with Italian journalist Marco Brancaccia when Firth and her were separated between 2015 and 2016.</p> <p>“Things never really came around for them [after that],” a film industry source tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue. “No matter what was decided when they stayed together after her affair, nothing could erase that betrayal. It was time to move on, even though they had a solid family relationship and really wanted to save it.”</p> <p>The pair met on the 1996 BBC drama Nostromo, were married in 1997 and have two sons, Luca, 18 and Matteo, 16.</p> <p>“They love their sons and respect and care for each other, but it was just time,” says the source. “They want to protect their privacy and just move on.”</p> <p>Scroll through the gallery to see the couple in happier times.</p>

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Trouble in paradise? Kate Middleton shrugs off hand on shoulder from Prince William

<p>Duchess Kate set tongues wagging in her and Prince William’s latest TV appearance on<span> </span><em>A Berry Royal Christmas</em>.</p> <p>She appeared to shrug off her husband’s hand when he placed it on her shoulder as they were speaking with volunteers on the show.</p> <p>The pair hosted a Christmas party for charity workers and volunteers who will spend their holiday period working with former <em>Great British Bake Off</em> judge Mary Berry for the BBC.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B6GlHWlJYEW/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B6GlHWlJYEW/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A Berry Royal Christmas.🎄The Duchess of Cambridge has revealed that one of 19-month-old Prince Louis' first words was Mary because he recognised Mary Berry in a cookbook. William and Catherine have joined the former Bake Off presenter in a Christmassy TV special. Click the link in our bio to find out more.👆#MaryBerry #RoyalFamily #bake #bbcnews</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/bbcnews/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank"> BBC News</a> (@bbcnews) on Dec 15, 2019 at 10:16am PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Fans were quick to point out how awkward the encounter was.</p> <p>“She moved with a quickness,” commented one fan on Twitter, while a second wrote: “Awkward! Too awkward!! They should have cut it out!”</p> <p>Another noted: “Kate shaking off William’s hand on her shoulder during #ABerryRoyalChristmas.”</p> <p>Another added: “What just happened here???? Ouch!”</p> <p>“I really can’t stop watching this,” said another Twitter user, while a second penned: “Very awkward indeed.”</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en-gb"> <p dir="ltr">Kate shaking off William's hand on her shoulder during <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ABerryRoyalChristmas?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ABerryRoyalChristmas</a> <a href="https://t.co/NyzjdKC3rk">pic.twitter.com/NyzjdKC3rk</a></p> — Caitlin McBride (@mcbride_caitlin) <a href="https://twitter.com/mcbride_caitlin/status/1206688540991655936?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">16 December 2019</a></blockquote> <p>However, some other Twitter users had another theory.</p> <p>“I like the way they interact, it’s professional. I don’t want to see excessive hand holding and back rubbing. It’s awkward, like you’re intruding on a private moment,” commented one, while a second added: “They’re not supposed to show PDA.”</p> <p>”Why can’t people just be content with the fact that she didn’t feel a PDA was appropriate at that moment/at that event,” said another via social media. “It wasn’t about them, it was about all the volunteers.”</p> <p>Kate also shared a sweet story about how she stays up late to bake a cake before each child's birthday.</p> <p>“It’s become a bit of a tradition that I stay up until midnight with ridiculous amounts of cake mix and icing and I make far too much,” said Kate.</p> <p>“But I love it.”</p>

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Hallmark Channel apologises for pulling ads featuring same-sex weddings

<p>The Hallmark Channel is backtracking on their decision to pull advertisements featuring same-sex couples and apologising for removing them in the first place.</p> <p>The decision comes after Hallmark parent company Crown Media Family Networks faced criticism from viewers and advertisers over the TV spot, with them threatening to boycott the network.</p> <p>The ads, from online wedding planning company Zola, showed same-sex couples celebrating marriages.</p> <p>Hallmark president and CEO Mike Perry said Sunday the company made the “wrong decision” and wants to reinstate the commercials.</p> <p>“The Crown Media team has been agonising over this decision as we’ve seen the hurt it has unintentionally caused. Said simply, they believe this was the wrong decision,” Perry said in a statement to<span> </span><em>CNN Business.</em></p> <p>“Our mission is rooted in helping all people connect, celebrate traditions, and be inspired to capture meaningful moments in their lives. Anything that detracts for this purpose is not who we are,” he said.</p> <p>“As the CEO of Hallmark, I am sorry for the hurt and disappointment this has caused.”</p> <p>Zola said earlier that the ad was one of several that were scheduled to run on Hallmark and that “the only difference between the commercials that were flagged and the ones that were approved” is that the flagged ads included a lesbian couple kissing.</p> <p>They then revealed that an ad featuring a heterosexual couple kissing was approved.</p> <p>One of the ads in question shows a lesbian couple at the altar on their wedding day, talking about whether they should have used Zola to share details of their ceremony and registry with their guests.</p> <p>But after conservative group One Million Mums targeted the network, demanding for the ads to be taken down, Hallmark caved into the pressure.</p> <p>In its original statement, Hallmark said it pulled the ads because the “debate surrounding these commercials on all sides was distracting from the purpose of our network, which is to provide entertainment value.”</p> <p>But now, CEO Perry says that Hallmark will discuss with Zola on ways to “reestablish our partnership and reinstate the commercials.” It will also work with the advocacy organisation GLAAD to “better represent” the LGBTQ community across its brands.</p>

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Fergie reveals life in wake of Prince Andrew scandal: “Been hard on the girls and me”

<p>The Duchess of York has leapt to the defence of her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, again in a new interview with<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://en.vogue.me/culture/sarah-duchess-of-york-interview/" target="_blank">Vogue Arabia.</a></em></p> <p>Prince Andrew’s interview on<span> </span><em>Newsnight </em>– where he discussed the matters of his personal relationship with sex offender and alleged child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein – went up in flames and is widely regarded as a disaster for the royal family.  </p> <p>In hindsight, the Duke of York’s words where he categorically denied any accusations that he’d had sex with one of Epstein’s alleged victims, is considered the decision that let to him standing back from his royal duties for the “foreseeable future”.</p> <p>"It has become clear to me over the last few days that the circumstances relating to my former association with Jeffrey Epstein has become a major disruption to my family’s work and the valuable work going on in the many organisations and charities that I am proud to support," the Duke of York said in a personal statement issued back in November.</p> <p>"Therefore, I have asked Her Majesty if I may step back from public duties for the foreseeable future, and she has given her permission."</p> <p>When speaking to<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://en.vogue.me/culture/sarah-duchess-of-york-interview/" target="_blank">Vogue Arabia</a>,</em> Sarah Ferguson addressed the bitter royal scandal, saying the media scrutiny has been “incredibly difficult”.</p> <p>It is unclear whether the conversation with the publication took place before or after the<span> </span><em>Newsnight </em>interview, however, the Duchess did briefly discuss her ex-husband’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.</p> <p>"When I talk about Prince Andrew, I talk about family because the last six months have been hard on the girls and me," she said.</p> <p>"To see such a wonderful man go through such enormous pain. He is the best man I know.</p> <p>“It’s just incredible what he has done for Britain, and it’s all nonsense [her voice raises as she alludes to the Epstein scandal], so I talk about familyhood, and I’m very strong about it."</p> <p>This is not the first time Fergie has publicly declared her support for the royal, first posting a message of positivity about her former husband on November 16.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/B45hF8DlXMg/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B45hF8DlXMg/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">It is so rare to meet people that are able to speak from their hearts with honesty and pure real truth, that remain steadfast and strong to their beliefs. Andrew is a true and real gentleman and is stoically steadfast to not only his duty but also his kindness and goodness of always seeing the best in people. I am deeply supportive and proud of this giant of a principled man, that dares to put his shoulder to the wind and stands firm with his sense of honour and truth. For so many years he has gone about his duties for Great Britain and The Monarch. It is time for Andrew to stand firm now, and that he has, and I am with him every step of the way and that is my honour. We have always walked tall and strong, he for me and me for him. We are the best examples of joint parenting, with both our girls and I go back to my three C’s .. Communicate Compromise Compassion @hrhthedukeofyork</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/sarahferguson15/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank"> Sarah Ferguson</a> (@sarahferguson15) on Nov 15, 2019 at 12:00pm PST</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>“Andrew is a true and real gentleman and is stoically steadfast to not only his duty but also his kindness and goodness of always seeing the best in people,” she said at the time.</p> <p>Prince Andrew is yet to make a public appearance since stepping back from his royal duties, however there is a chance we all may see him with the rest of the royal family at the Christmas church services in Sandringham.</p>

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Should we scoff at the idea of love at first sight?

<p>For a lecture course I teach at Brown University called “Love Stories,” we begin at the beginning, with love at first sight.</p> <p>To its detractors, love at first sight must be an illusion – the wrong term for what is simply infatuation, or a way to sugarcoat lust.</p> <p>Buy into it, they say, and you’re a fool.</p> <p>In my class, I point to <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1031449/">an episode</a> of “The Office,” in which Michael Scott, regional manager for Dunder Mifflin, is such a fool: He’s blown away by a model in an office furniture catalog. Michael vows to find her in the flesh, only to discover that the love of his life is no longer living. Despairing, but still determined, he visits her grave and sings to her a stirring requiem, set to the tune of “American Pie”:</p> <pre class="highlight plaintext"> Bye, bye Ms. Chair Model Lady I dreamt we were married and you treated me nice We had lots of kids, drinking whiskey and rye Why’d you have to go off and die? </pre> <p>This might as well be a funeral for love at first sight, since all of this comes at delusional Michael’s expense.</p> <p>If you find yourself smitten with someone you’ve only just met, you’ll question whether you should give the feeling so much weight – and risk ending up like Michael.</p> <p>Psychologists and neuroscientists have tried to find some answers. But I would argue that for the best guidance, don’t look there – look to Shakespeare.</p> <h2>Sifting through the science</h2> <p>Even in a class tailored to romantics, when I poll my students about whether they believe in love at first sight, around 90 percent of the 250 students indicate they don’t.</p> <p><a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/pere.12218">At least one study</a> suggests that the rest of us agree with my students. Like them, participants in this study believe that love takes time. Two people meet and may or may not be infatuated upon first meeting. They gradually develop an intimate understanding of each other. And then, and only then, do they fall in love. That’s just how love works.</p> <p>Then again, maybe we’re more like Michael Scott than we think. <a href="https://news.gallup.com/poll/2017/over-half-americans-believe-love-first-sight.aspx">Other surveys</a> suggest that most of us indeed do believe in love at first sight. Many of us <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/love-at-first-sight-is-real-if-you-believe-1429543032">say we’ve experienced it</a>.</p> <p>What does brain science say? Some studies claim that <a href="http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/10lustattraction.pdf">we can clearly distinguish</a> what happens in our brains at the moment of initial attraction – when chemicals related to pleasure, excitement and anxiety predominate – from what happens in true romantic attachment, when attachment hormones like <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/oxytocin">oxytocin</a> take over.</p> <p>But other studies don’t accept such a clean break between the chemistry of love at first sight and of “true” love, instead suggesting that what happens in the brain at first blush <a href="https://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(15)32763-6/abstract">may resemble what happens later on</a>.</p> <p>Regardless of whether chemical reactions in love at first sight and longer-term romantic love are alike, the deeper question persists.</p> <p>Does love at first sight deserve the name of love?</p> <h2>Shakespeare weighs in</h2> <p>While science and surveys can’t seem to settle on a definitive answer, Shakespeare can. Cited as an authority in nearly every recent book-length study of love, Shakespeare shows how love at first sight can be as true a love as there is.</p> <p>Let’s look at how his lovers meet in “Romeo and Juliet.”</p> <p>Romeo, besotted with Juliet at the Capulet ball, musters the courage to speak with her, even though he doesn’t know her name. When he does, she doesn’t just respond. Together, they speak a sonnet:</p> <pre class="highlight plaintext"> Romeo: If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss. Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too? Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer. Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do! They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair. Juliet: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake. Romeo: Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. </pre> <p>Even though it’s their first encounter, the two converse dynamically and inventively – an intense back-and-forth that equates love with religion. Love poems typically are spoken by a lover to a beloved, as in many of Shakespeare’s <a href="http://shakespeare.mit.edu/Poetry/sonnet.I.html">own sonnets</a> or Michael’s requiem. Generally, there’s one voice. Not in the case of Romeo and Juliet – and the energy between the two is as stunning as it is silly.</p> <p>In the first four lines, Romeo privileges lips over hands, in a bid for a kiss. In the next four lines, Juliet disagrees with Romeo. She asserts that, actually, hands are better. Holding hands is its own kind of kiss.</p> <p>Romeo keeps going, noting that saints and pilgrims have lips. Since they do, lips mustn’t be so bad. They should be used.</p> <p>But again, Juliet answers Romeo readily: Lips are to be used, yes – but to pray, not to kiss. Romeo tries a third time to resolve the tension by saying that kissing, far from being opposed to prayer, is in fact a way of praying. And maybe kissing is like praying, like asking for a better world. Juliet at last agrees, and the two do kiss, after a couplet which suggests that they are in harmony.</p> <p>Romeo and Juliet obviously have unrealistic ideas. But they connect in such a powerful way – right away – that it’s ungenerous to say that their religion of love is only silly. We can’t dismiss it in the same way we can mock Michael Scott. This is not a man with an office furniture catalog, or two revelers grinding at a club.</p> <p>That two strangers can share a sonnet in speech means that they already share a deep connection – that they are incredibly responsive to each other.</p> <h2>What are we so afraid of?</h2> <p>Why would we want to dismiss Romeo and Juliet or those who claim to be like them?</p> <p>We talk excitedly about meeting someone and how we “click” or “really hit it off” – how we feel intimately acquainted even though we’ve only just met. This is our way of believing in low-grade love at first sight, while still scorning its full-blown form.</p> <p>Imagine if we did what Romeo and Juliet do. They show the signs that we tend to regard as hallmarks of “mature” love – <a href="http://www.robertjsternberg.com/love/">profound passion, intimacy and commitment</a> – right away. For Shakespeare, if you have this, you have love, whether it takes six months or six minutes.</p> <p>It’s easy to say that people don’t love each other when they first meet because they don’t know each other and haven’t had a chance to form a true attachment. Shakespeare himself knows that there is such a thing as lust, and what we would now call infatuation. He’s no fool.</p> <p>Still, he reminds us – as forcefully as we ever will be reminded – that some people, right away, do know each other deeply. Love gives them insight into each other. Love makes them pledge themselves to each other. Love makes them inventive. Yes, it also makes them ridiculous.</p> <p>But that’s just another of love’s glories. It makes being ridiculous permissible.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/102094/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/james-kuzner-535698">James Kuzner</a>, Associate Professor of English, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/brown-university-1276">Brown University</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/should-we-scoff-at-the-idea-of-love-at-first-sight-102094">original article</a>.</em></p>

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What's behind the belief in a soulmate?

<p>The United States appears to be in a romantic slump. Marriage rates have <a href="http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/10/11/the-share-of-americans-living-without-a-partner-has-increased-especially-among-young-adults/">plummeted</a> over the last decade. And compared to previous generations, young single people today are perhaps spending more time on social media <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/12/tinder-changed-dating/578698/">than actual dating</a>. They are also having <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/membership/archive/2018/11/whats-causing-the-sex-recession/575890/">less sex</a>.</p> <p>Despite these trends, a yearning for a soulmate remains a common thread across the generations. Most Americans, it seems, are still looking for one. According to a 2017 <a href="https://www.nj.com/healthfit/index.ssf/2017/02/two-thirds_of_americans_believe_in_a_soulmate_poll.html">poll</a> two-thirds of Americans believe in soulmates. That number far surpasses the percentage of Americans who believe in the <a href="http://www.pewforum.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/7/2018/04/Beliefs-about-God-FOR-WEB-FULL-REPORT.pdf">biblical God</a>.</p> <p>The idea that there is a person out there who can make each of us happy and whole is constantly conveyed through portrayals in <a href="https://www.imdb.com/list/ls008719611/?sort=release_date,desc&amp;st_dt=&amp;mode=detail&amp;page=1">films,</a> <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0029583/">books,</a> <a href="https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a41698/find-your-soulmate-in-8-simple-questions/">magazines</a> and <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2018/02/08/tv-show-couples-love-lessons_a_23356753/">television</a>.</p> <p>What accounts for the persistence of the soulmate ideal in the contemporary age?</p> <h2>Origins of the soulmate myth</h2> <p>Ten years ago, after a hard breakup, I decided to investigate. As a scholar of <a href="https://skidmore.academia.edu/BradleyOnishi">religion and culture</a> who was trained in the history of ideas, I was interested in connecting the various iterations of the soulmate ideal through time.</p> <p>One early use of the word <a href="https://scholarworks.umt.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1003&amp;context=eng_pubs">“soulmate”</a> comes from the poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge in a <a href="https://www.academia.edu/1320004/_Soulmates_in_The_Encyclopedia_of_Love_in_World_Religions_ABC-CLIO_World_Religions_Project_Ed._Dr._Yudit_Kornberg_Greenberg_Santa_Barbara_California_et._al._November_2007_pp._593-597">letter from 1822</a>: “To be happy in Married Life … you must have a Soul-mate.”</p> <p>For Coleridge, a successful marriage needed to be about more than economic or social compatibility. It required a spiritual connection.</p> <p>Several centuries prior to Coleridge, the Greek philosopher Plato, in his text “Symposium,” wrote about the reasons behind the human yearning for a soulmate. Plato quotes the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-plato-can-teach-you-about-finding-a-soulmate-72715">poet Aristophanes as saying</a> that all humans were once united with their other half, but Zeus split them apart out of fear and jealousy. <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Plato/symposium.html">Aristophanes explains</a> the transcendent experience of two soulmates reuniting in the following way:</p> <blockquote> <p>“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself … the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment.”</p> </blockquote> <h2>The religious sources</h2> <p>These references aren’t limited to Coleridge and Plato. In numerous religious traditions, the human soul’s connection to God has been envisioned in similar ways. While the examples from religious traditions are numerous, I will mention just two from Judaism and Christianity.</p> <p>At different points in the history of these these two faith traditions, mystics and theologians employed erotic and marital metaphors to understand their relationships with God. Despite important differences, they both envision amorous union with the one divine force as the pathway to true selfhood, happiness and wholeness.</p> <p>This idea is expressed in the Hebrew Bible, where God is consistently seen as the one to whom his chosen people, Israel, are betrothed. “For your Maker is your husband,” <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah+54&amp;version=NRSV">a passage in the Hebrew Bible</a> says. Israel – the ancient kingdom, not the modern nation-state – plays the role of God’s spouse.</p> <p>Throughout Israelite history this idea frames the relationship between the people of Israel and God, whom they know as Yahweh. When Yahweh ratifies his covenant with Israel, his chosen people, he is often referred to as Israel’s husband. In turn, Israel is envisioned as Yahweh’s wife. For the Israelites, <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah+31%3A31-32&amp;version=NRSV">the divine one</a> is also their <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hosea+2&amp;version=NRS">romantic soulmate</a>.</p> <p>This is illustrated in the Song of Songs, <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Song+of+Solomon+1&amp;version=NRSV">an erotic love poem</a> with a female narrator. The Song of Songs is written from the perspective of a woman longing to be with her male lover. It’s filled with vivid physical descriptions of the two characters and the delights they take in each other’s bodies.</p> <p>“Your channel is an orchard of pomegranates with all choicest fruits,” the narrator recounts her man saying to her, before proclaiming that her garden is <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Song%20of%20Solomon+4&amp;version=NRSV">“a fountain, a well of living water, and flowing streams from Lebanon</a>.”</p> <p>Song of Songs is not only an unquestioned part of Jewish and Christian scripture, it’s been understood for millennia by Jewish sages as the key to understanding the most important events in Israelite history.</p> <h2>Erotic mysticism</h2> <p>By the second century A.D., Christians too began framing their relationship with the divine in erotic terms through the Song of Songs.</p> <p>One of the first, and most influential, was <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/origen/">Origen of Alexandria</a>, a second-century mystic who became the first great Christian theologian. <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Song_of_Songs.html?id=Mjxy0Fl7VMsC">According to him</a>, the Song is the key to understanding the soul’s relationship to Christ.</p> <p>Origen calls it an “epithalamium,” which is a poem written for a bride on the way to the bridal chamber. For him, the Song is “a drama and sang under the figure of the Bride,” who is about to wed her groom, “the Word of God.”</p> <p>Origen views Jesus as his divine soulmate. He anticipates the end of time when his soul will “cleave” to Christ, so that he will never be apart from him again – and he does this by using erotic terms.</p> <p>His writings on the Song founded a rich and expansive tradition of Christian <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=99CNMQmzpKIC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=song+of+songs+mysticism+christianity&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj--4qquZ3hAhUSVN8KHRpcBl4Q6AEINDAC#v=onepage&amp;q=song%20of%20songs%20mysticism%20christianity&amp;f=false">mystical texts</a> based on the soul’s erotic and marital union with Christ.</p> <h2>The power of the myth</h2> <p>By tracing the soulmate ideal to these religious sources it’s possible to gain fresh perspective on its power and function in an age when more Americans identify as having no religious <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-number-of-americans-with-no-religious-affiliation-is-rising/">affiliation</a>.</p> <p>The soulmate myth informs the reality show “The Bachelor,” where young women wait for the attention of one chosen “bachelor” in hopes of finding true love. It is the same in the film adaptation of Nicholas Spark’s novel “The Notebook,” which follows the path of two lovers separated at various times by war, family and illness.</p> <p>And then there are the Tinder users – wading through an excess of possible romantic partners, perhaps hoping that their one and only will eventually make them whole and happy.</p> <p>In light of the myth’s history, it’s not surprising that even at a time when fewer Americans may be turning to God, they are still looking for their one true soulmate.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/113906/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><span><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/bradley-onishi-698671">Bradley Onishi</a>, Associate Professor of Religious Studies, <em><a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/skidmore-college-1358">Skidmore College</a></em></span></p> <p>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-behind-the-belief-in-a-soulmate-113906">original article</a>.</p>

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Why it's so hard to sniff out a liar

<p>Why is it such a challenge to recognise deception – both on and off the poker table – even with past experience to draw on and lots of cues seemingly available?</p> <p>Most of us are proficient liars. We all lie, probably <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/enhanced/doi/10.1111/j.1468-2958.2009.01366.x/">every day</a>, about something or other. Ever answered the standard question of “how are you?” with a less-than-forthright reply?</p> <p>We understand the concept of lying <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/dev/47/1/39/">before we turn four</a>: Charles Darwin <a href="http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Darwin/infant.htm">reported his son</a>, a few months shy of his third birthday, trying to lie and there are data suggesting the behaviour can manifest from as young as <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-9507.00220/abstract">two years</a>.</p> <p>And just as everyone engages in deceptions, everyone wants to know how to tell if someone else is lying. It seems as though it should be easy – there are “<a href="http://parade.condenast.com/57236/viannguyen/former-cia-officers-share-6-ways-to-tell-if-someones-lying/">tells</a>”: sweating, eye movements, micro-expressions, changes in body posture and even changes in speech patterns, that can help us recognise a lie.</p> <p>Those signals are a type of natural polygraph. Like mechanical lie-detector tests, they rely on a set of physiological changes that occur when we lie. Telling a porky pie, even a so-called white lie, requires cognitive and emotional effort.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/p3Uos2fzIJ0?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p style="text-align: center;"><span class="caption">Someone’s lying in this video. Can you spot who it is?</span></p> <p>Lying activates our <a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/autonomic+nervous+system">autonomic nervous system</a>, and the more venal the lie – the more there is at stake – the more activated the autonomic nervous system becomes.</p> <p>Why is it so hard to detect a lie?</p> <h2>Pants on fire (if only it was that easy)</h2> <p>The answers are surprising.</p> <p>First, there is “noise” in the lie-detection system: there are many things that activate the human autonomic nervous system.</p> <p>Nervousness is a good example. People typically get nervous when</p> <ul> <li>they are being interrogated, about anything</li> <li>they meet for the first time someone to whom they are attracted (which, by the way, is one of the circumstances under which we are very likely to lie about something)</li> <li>the stakes are high – when much depends on what they do, or how well they do it</li> <li>there’s confrontation involved: a deadline, great expectations … even in-laws.</li> </ul> <p>When we are nervous we sweat more. We sweat a <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sweating-and-body-odor/basics/causes/con-20014438">different type of sweat</a> and so we smell different. We fidget and our hair stands on end. We either don’t make any or make exaggerated eye contact. We change the way we speak and, without knowing it, the pitch of our voice changes.</p> <p>Those changes also occur when we are lying. So it is a myth that there exists a reliable, unique set of cues that signal someone is lying. Some behavioural cues certainly are correlated with lying, but most of those also are correlated with other behaviours too.</p> <p>Second, there is the cost to the lie-detector of a “false alarm”. Socially speaking, it’s a high-stakes game: the fear of the damage and embarrassment wrought by mistakenly calling someone out on a lie, combined with the high burden of proof involved, stack the decks against successful “prosecution”.</p> <p>Perhaps most surprisingly though, we are generally <a href="http://books.google.com.au/books?id=-4v3fSm6z7IC&amp;dq=The+liar+in+your+life:+The+way+to+truthful+relationships&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=_sBpU_TKNYqqkgWk54DoAQ&amp;redir_esc=y">less interested</a> than we think in actually discerning the truth. We are, very often, willing to accept as truth lies that smooth social interactions.</p> <p>Similarly, lies that are congruent with our world-views or, and especially, with our self-image will less often be “called out”. In other words, we actually are very skilled at not recognising lies.</p> <h2>I lie, therefore I think</h2> <p>Of course, the little white lies we tell to keep conversations flowing or to compliment (or at least avoid offending!) our friend/partner/boss seem hardly interesting. Juicier are the venal deceits that, when detected, leave trust shattered and lives changed. As it turns out, all lies, big or small, are tactical deceptions.</p> <p>Tactical deceptions require the liar to actively manipulate information to mislead another. They are interesting because the creation of such a deception has been interpreted as evidence that the liar has developed a <a href="http://www.iep.utm.edu/theomind/">theory of mind</a> – I lie, therefore I think.</p> <p>If that is true the implications are broad: both old world and new world monkeys have been observed in <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1691785/">tactical deceptions</a>. The same is true for other <a href="http://www.naturalnews.com/038743_primates_liars_gorilla.html">great apes</a>, and even <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0003347202930563">ravens</a>.</p> <h2>Lies, damned lies, and experts</h2> <p><a href="http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/lies-damned-lies-and-statistics.html">Mark Twain</a>, lamenting his lack of skill with numbers, stratified statistics as a worse than average form of lying.</p> <p>Nonetheless – and acknowledging there is no small opportunity for irony when a researcher asks about how often people lie – who lies and how often are open questions across the behavioural sciences.</p> <p>We do know almost everyone lies. Women and men lie on average equally often, but about <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15324834BASP2402_8#.U2nB3_mSzsQ">different things</a>. There is some evidence too that <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3998987">men are better liars</a> than women.</p> <p>Perhaps unsurprisingly, estimates of how often we lie vary wildly. That is partly because context is important. Lying is, after all, a type of social glue, and – not surprisingly – people lie in surveys.</p> <p>So the next time you pull up a chair at the casino or with mates at a poker night, remember – while you may find it hard to tell if your opponents are lying, they’re probably also finding you hard to read.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/25487/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><span><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/ricky-van-der-zwan-34212">Ricky van der Zwan</a>, Associate Professor in Neuroscience and Psychology, <em><a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/southern-cross-university-1160">Southern Cross University</a></em> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/anna-brooks-93597">Anna Brooks</a>, Senior Lecturer in Cognitive Neuroscience, <em><a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/southern-cross-university-1160">Southern Cross University</a></em></span></p> <p>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/hows-your-poker-face-why-its-so-hard-to-sniff-out-a-liar-25487">original article</a>.</p>

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