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‘Behind every claim is a grieving family’. Death benefits inquiry update

<div class="theconversation-article-body"> When Lisa’s husband passed away unexpectedly, she assumed accessing his superannuation <a href="https://www.ato.gov.au/individuals-and-families/super-for-individuals-and-families/super/withdrawing-and-using-your-super/superannuation-death-benefits">death benefit</a> would be straightforward. Instead, she spent months navigating a bureaucratic maze. She repeatedly sent documents, waited weeks for callbacks and struggled to get answers from his fund. Her experience is far from unique. A damning <a href="https://asic.gov.au/regulatory-resources/find-a-document/reports/rep-806-taking-ownership-of-death-benefits-how-trustees-can-deliver-outcomes-australians-deserve/">new report</a> reveals systemic failure by Australia’s <a href="https://www.superannuation.asn.au/resources/super-stats/#:%7E:text=Total%20superannuation%20assets%20were%20%244.2,with%20more%20than%20six%20members.">A$4 trillion</a> superannuation industry in handling members’ death benefits. <h2>A system in disarray</h2> The Australian Security and Investments Commission’s landmark review of ten major super trustees, managing 38% of super assets, exposes an industry that is not serving its members. Grieving families routinely face excessive delays, insensitive treatment and unnecessary hurdles when trying to access death benefits. It found they sometimes waited over a year for payments to which they were legally entitled. The central problem was a fundamental breakdown in claims processing, with five critical failures exacerbating inefficiency and distress. 1. Poor oversight No trustee monitored end-to-end claims handling times, leaving boards unaware of how long families were waiting. While the fastest trustee resolved 48% of claims within 90 days, the slowest managed just 8%. In one case, a widow waited nearly a year despite her husband having a valid binding nomination. ASIC found 78% of delays stemmed from processing inefficiencies entirely within trustees’ control. 2. Misleading and inadequate information Many funds misled on processing times and masked extreme delays. Boards often received reports only on insured claims, despite most death benefits not involving insurance. This meant boards were unable to fix systemic problems. 3. Process over people Risk-averse procedures often overrode common sense. Many funds imposed claim-staking – delaying payments for objections – even for straightforward cases, adding a median 95 day delay. Communication failures further compounded delays, with claimants receiving inconsistent advice and few or no status updates. 4. Outsourcing without accountability Claims handled in-house were processed significantly faster than those managed by external administrators. Only 15% of outsourced claims were resolved within 90 days, compared to 36% of in-house claims. The securities commission is calling for stronger oversight. External administrators significantly slow down responses, so some funds may need to bring claims processing back in-house to ensure efficiency. 5. Lack of transparency Many funds failed to provide clear timelines or explanations for delays and had no accountability mechanisms. The ten funds investigated include the Australian Retirement Trust, Avanteos (Colonial First State), Brighter Super, Commonwealth Superannuation Corporation, HESTA, Hostplus, NM Super (AMP), Nulis (MLC), Rest and UniSuper. Two others, <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-03-12/asic-sues-australian-super-death-processing-benefit-claims-delay/105040450">Australian Super and Cbus</a>, are being sued separately by ASIC for either failing to pay out or delaying payments to thousands of eligible beneficiaries. <figure class="align-center zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=405&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=405&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=405&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=509&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=509&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/658866/original/file-20250401-56-jrqwbg.png?ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=509&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="A list of key findings from the ASIC Taking ownership of death benefits report" /></a><figcaption><a class="source" href="https://asic.gov.au/regulatory-resources/find-a-document/reports/rep-806-taking-ownership-of-death-benefits-how-trustees-can-deliver-outcomes-australians-deserve/">Taking ownership of death benefits: How trustees can deliver outcomes Australians deserve, ASIC, March 2025</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></figcaption></figure> <h2>Will ASIC’s fixes work?</h2> ASIC has made 34 recommendations to improve death benefit processing. This will require real change, not box ticking. Changes should include setting performance objectives and empowering frontline staff to cut unnecessary steps. There should be consequences for failure. Unlike the <a href="https://www.gov.uk/browse/benefits/bereavement">United Kingdom</a>, which fines pension providers for missing statutory deadlines, ASIC’s recommendations lack penalties. Without consequences, some funds may continue prioritising administrative convenience over members receiving their entitlements. <h2>What needs to happen now?</h2> ASIC’s report is a wake-up call, but real reform requires strong action. Super funds must be held to clear, binding processing timelines, with meaningful penalties for non-compliance. Standardising requirements across the industry would eliminate unnecessary hurdles, ensuring all beneficiaries are treated fairly. Beyond regulation, funds must improve communication and accountability. Bereaved families deserve clear, plain language guidance on what to expect, not bureaucratic roadblocks or sudden document requests. Technological upgrades should focus on reducing delays, not just internal efficiencies. And to better support families, an independent claims advocate could help navigate the process, ensuring no one is left to struggle alone. <h2>Has ASIC gone far enough?</h2> While ASIC’s review is a step in the right direction, it does not fundamentally overhaul flawed claims-handling practices. The recommendations lack enforceability, relying on voluntary compliance. Also, the role of insurers within super remains largely unaddressed, despite death benefits being tied to life insurance policies. This often causes further complications and delays. Ensuring insurers adopt and apply ASIC’s recommendations will be critical for meaningful change. Most importantly, super funds must remember that behind every claim is a grieving family. No one should have to fight for what they are owed during one of the most stressful times in their life.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/253419/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> By <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/natalie-peng-1369555">Natalie Peng</a>, Lecturer in Accounting, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-queensland-805">The University of Queensland</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/behind-every-claim-is-a-grieving-family-death-benefits-inquiry-demands-change-but-lacks-penalties-253419">original article</a>. Image: Shutterstock </div>

Legal

Why do I grieve my childhood home so much now we’ve sold it?

<div class="theconversation-article-body"> Grief can hit us in powerful and unanticipated ways. You might expect to grieve a person, a pet or even a former version of yourself – but many people are surprised by the depth of sad yearning they can feel after selling the childhood home. In fact, it is <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-018-0682-5">normal to grieve a place</a>. And this grief can be especially profound if it coincides with a parent dying or moving into residential aged care, leading to the sale of their house. Grief is the response to the loss of anything to which we have an emotional connection. A <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-018-0682-5">growing body</a> of <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9780203860731/counting-losses-darcy-harris">research</a> is looking at how grief can extend to “non-person” losses such as infertility, loss of religion and, yes, the loss of a former home. <h2>Why would someone grieve a house?</h2> The childhood home can be an important place for many of us. It literally housed our formative development, family bonds, and core memories. Hopefully, the childhood home is where we learned about safety, security and love. It was likely surrounded by our neighbourhood, and close to important places such as school, playgrounds and friends’ houses. It is no wonder we grieve it when it’s gone. It’s normal to <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781315126197-20/grieving-lost-home-marc-fried">grieve things we can’t see and touch</a> but are real and valued. Just as a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/pon.70031">serious diagnosis might trigger</a> grief for an imagined future for yourself, or an <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732314538550">identity</a> you once cherished, loss of a childhood home can hit us harder than we think. When you sell a once-beloved home, you don’t just lose the physical space. You also lose all of what that space might represent, such as birthday celebrations, Christmas lunches, sleepovers with friends or many happy hours playing in the garden. The childhood home often is a symbol of family connection and an anchor in the storm of life. Thinking of the home and all it represents can elicit nostalgia. In fact, the word “nostalgia” <a href="https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/nostalgia-cowbells-meaning-life">derives from the Greek</a> words nostos (return) and algos (pain). The word is rooted in the pain we often feel being away from home. And just as siblings are unique – each with different memories of and connections to their childhood home – their responses to its sale can differ markedly. It is normal if your sister or brother grieves the home in a different way to you – or maybe doesn’t even seem to grieve its loss at all. <h2>A complicated grief</h2> When a childhood home is sold because of the death of parents, the feelings of loss about the home are closely linked. The home being sold can be a type of secondary loss that sits in the periphery to the primary loss of parents. Grieving the deaths might, at first, take precedence over the loss of the home. It might only be later that the loss of the home and all it represents becomes apparent. Because the home provides a connection to the deceased person, the loss of the home might add another layer of grief about your parents. Perhaps you find that whenever you recall memories of mum or dad, they seem always to be at the house. It’s also normal if you feel immense <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-018-0682-5">guilt</a> about grieving the home. People might chastise themselves for worrying about “silly things” and not grieving “enough” about the person who died. <a href="https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-the-guilt-of-selling-moms-house-481550.htm">Guilt about selling the home</a> can also be common. Not everyone has positive memories of their childhood home. Difficult family dynamics, maltreatment and abuse can complicate the emotional connection to childhood spaces and the grief response to their loss. In such cases, the loss of the childhood home can elicit grief about the loss of the childhood that could have – and should have – been. The loss of a home that was the site of discord can be even more challenging than for people with more idyllic childhood experiences. <h2>How can I cope with this loss?</h2> Grief from the loss of a childhood home is <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-018-0682-5">real and valid</a>. We should recognise this and be kind to ourselves and others experiencing it. We shouldn’t minimise the loss or make fun of it. Usually, the loss is anticipated, and this allows you to take photos, furniture or mementos from the home or garden before you leave or sell. Grief researchers call these “<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010440X20300031">transitional</a> <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13576270412331329812">objects</a>”. They may help you maintain a connection to what is lost, while still grieving the place. <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-018-0682-5">Social support</a> while grieving is important. Some people share memories and photos of the home with their siblings, or derive comfort from driving by the home. Just be prepared for the possibility it will likely change as the new owners adapt it to their needs. You might feel affronted, but hopefully can eventually accept the property now belongs to someone else. Chat to your doctor if the loss is particularly difficult, and your grief doesn’t change and subside over time. They might be able to recommend a psychologist who specialises in grief. If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/251058/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> By <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/lauren-breen-1142446">Lauren Breen</a>, Professor of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/curtin-university-873">Curtin University</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-do-i-grieve-my-childhood-home-so-much-now-weve-sold-it-and-what-can-i-do-about-it-251058">original article</a>. Image: RDNE Stock project/Pexels </div>

Home & Garden

Grieving parents blame hospital over two-year-old's death

Two grieving parents are calling for an independent investigation into a Sydney hospital after the death of their two-year-old son. Elouise and Danny Massa took their son Joe to the emergency department at Northern Beaches Hospital on the morning of September 14th after he had spent the night vomiting. The toddler had hypovolemia, a condition that occurs when the body loses too much fluid, and later tragically died. Joe's parents claim the hospital failed their son "at every level" and he would still be alive if he had received the proper care. In a statement provided to <a href="https://www.9news.com.au/national/grieving-parents-demand-urgent-investigation-into-sydney-hospital-after-death-of-twoyearold-son/a0de6011-adf3-49d2-8206-73ed21331c30" target="_blank" rel="noopener">9News</a>, the parents said Joe's heart rate was at 183 beats per minute when they arrived at the emergency department, yet he was misclassified as a low priority, category three patient, instead of red zone, category two. The parents went on to allege that the Northern Beaches hospital missed critical warning signs, including when Joe lost consciousness, and his mother's requests for an IV drip were denied. "I can't tell you what it's like to hold your son in your arms … to be told to sit in your chair while your child is agitated, going in and out of consciousness, lips are turning blue," Mrs Massa told 2GB on Thursday morning. "To be told to wait and have your baby literally dying in your arms is unfathomable and should not be happening at any hospital." For almost three hours, Joe was not hooked up to monitoring equipment while sitting in an emergency department chair. A serious adverse event review conducted by the hospital after Joe's death identified multiple failures, with the report claiming there was a "delay and failure to recognise deterioration" in Joe's condition. Healthscope, which operates the hospital, said in a statement: "Northern Beaches Hospital offers its deepest condolences to the Massa family for the loss of their son, Joe. We recognise Joe's death has caused unimaginable heartache and grief for the family." "We have met with the family to apologise and hear directly about their tragic experience and to discuss the findings of the Serious Adverse Event Review." "We will continue to support the family in any way that we can as we implement the improvements identified in the review, including improvements around triaging processes and internal escalation processes." <div>Joe's mother said no parents should have to go through the pain their family has endured since Joe's untimely death. "Joe was the most beautiful boy, loved by his sister and brother," she said. "He loved dinosaurs. He had the most infectious smile. He was just two months off turning two years old. He was, and is still, the light of our world. The system at Northern Beaches Hospital, the emergency department, entirely failed us at every possible level." Image credits: 9News </div>

Legal

Grieving father pays tribute to young son killed in school crash

The heart-broken father of the young boy who was killed when a car crashed through his school gate has spoken out about his profound loss. Jack Davey was sitting with friends when a car slammed through a fence and into a group of Year 5 students at Auburn South Primary School on Tuesday afternoon. He was critically injured and died on the way to hospital, while four other children were also injured. As tributes for the young boy have started to emerge in the days following the accident, Jack’s father has also now publicly spoken for the first time following his son’s death. In a moving tribute, Mike Davey said he couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without his “beautiful” boy. “Our beautiful son. A shooting star who blessed us for 11 years with love, friendship and kindness,” he said. “You were my inspiration and motivation. I cannot comprehend the life ahead without you." “My mate, my champ, my Jackie-boi. Godspeed, until we meet again ... I love you.” His mother, dad and siblings visited a growing memorial for the student outside the school on Wednesday afternoon to read all the messages left in his honour. His father wore his son’s backpack and his two sisters left teddy bears. School mum and friend of the family Lucy Pristel along with some of the other school mums, decided to launch a <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-the-davey" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" data-i13n="cpos:5;pos:1" data-ylk="slk:GoFundMe;cpos:5;pos:1;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" data-rapid_p="15" data-v9y="1">GoFundMe</a> to help "ease the burden" of funeral costs, adding, "We just wanted to make life as easy as possible." In a matter of hours, the fundraiser has exceeded its goal, and at the time of writing over $160,000 has been <a href="https://oversixty.com.au/health/caring/boy-s-tragic-death-in-school-crash-sparks-incredible-community-response" target="_blank" rel="noopener">donated</a> by the community. Image credits: GoFundMe

Caring

Charlise Mutten's grieving mother speaks out about her daughter's killer

The heartbroken mother of Charlise Mutten has spoken out about her "amazing little girl", and how she will never forgive herself for starting a relationship with the man who would go on to kill the nine-year-old. In her first TV interview, Kallista Mutten revealed what the final days were like between her, Charlise and Justin Stein - Kallista's partner - who was jailed for life in August after being found <a href="https://oversixty.com.au/finance/legal/unspeakably-vicious-judge-hands-down-verdict-to-justin-stein" target="_blank" rel="noopener">guilty</a> of Charlise's murder. In the days before the young girl's death in January 2022, the trio were celebrating Christmas in the Blue Mountains. Kallista revealed that during their holiday, Stein had asked Charlise to call him "daddy", saying he was “always going to be a father figure”. “That was a very touching moment for both of us because she’s always longed for a dad,” she told 60 Minutes. <blockquote class="instagram-media" style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/reel/DBDz4pqhG4e/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"> </div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"> <div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: 8px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: auto;"> <div style="width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"> </div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/reel/DBDz4pqhG4e/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A post shared by 60 Minutes Australia (@60minutes9)</a> </div> </blockquote> Kallista and Justin met in 2018 in prison and formed their relationship on wanting to build a better life together, but Kallista now says she will always hate herself for trusting him. “I am forced to live with the fact that I trusted someone with my daughter and that because of my trust in someone, I put my daughter in harm’s way,” She said. "I hate myself for it. I really do. It’s taken this for me to wake up and realise that I already had someone that loved me … He’s a monster, pure evil.” The grieving mum opened up about the nature of her relationship, admitting that her time with Stein had been erratic, in no small part due to their drug use, but she never believed he was capable of what happened. “The thought of what she had gone, would’ve gone through, that’s … that’s what breaks me,” Ms Mutten said. “There is just not enough justice that will make it better for me and my family.” Ms Mutten said she understands why she was judged by those who blamed her for her daughter's death and now knows “Charlise deserved more”. “I do take accountability of the things that I have done,” she said. “I wish I had been there more for her and, like, I see that now and I’ve got to live with that.” While Kallista continues to mourn the loss of her daughter, she hopes Charlise is remembered as a bundle of joy with a kind soul. “We just had this amazing connection and that she just absolutely, she was my number one fan,” she said. “She just was just the most incredible amazing little girl.” Image credits: 60 Minutes / NSW Police / Facebook

Legal

"We won't recover": Grieving parents speak out ahead of daughter's funeral

Warning: This article contains discussions about suicide that some readers may find distressing. The grieving stepfather of 12-year-old Charlotte who died by suicide has spoken about the young girl's struggles with bullying as he prepares for her funeral. On Monday, Matthew remembered his stepdaughter as the “kindest, most caring little girl” whose death had followed “toxic” issues at school. “To lose a little girl at the age of 12 is something we won’t recover from,” he told 2GB’s Ben Fordham. Charlotte was a student at Santa Sabina College in Sydney’s inner west, with the Catholic school being forced to defend their handling of bullying in the wake of the 12-year-old's death. Matthew said he believed some of the responses from the school had been “unnecessary”, and claimed he had no direct communication from officials despite their public statements. “I think outside of the response from the broader community of the school I have to say I’ve been disappointed to say the least, with the response that’s come from the school,” he said. “Some of the responses that have gone into the media, I think the first response was around that there’s inconsistencies in their records and I thought that comment to go out at that time when we were grieving was unnecessary." “And since then, comments like the school’s been overwhelmed with support from other parents coming forward and saying how well they deal with these types of issues. And I’m sure they’ve had some communication and some support, Ben." “But those mothers that have given that school support, no doubt they will be planning on picking their daughter up from school today, and we are not.” Matthew went on to confirm that Charlotte's mother had repeatedly asked her daughter's school to do something about the bullying, and break up the friendship that put Charlotte through a "roller coaster". “I would not allow this behaviour to happen in my home,” he said. “I am not after any retribution for these girls … but I’m looking for the schools to step in … to act when these things are raised for the first time, not the second or third time.” Matthew said it was time school “friendship issues” were called out for what they really were, saying, “It’s not called a friendship issue in the workplace.” The year 7 student took her own life on September 9th, leaving a note to her parents that included names of those she wanted at her funeral and others who had made “life too hard”. It also instructed her mother, Kelly, to “tell the school please”, with the note reading, “Mama, please share my story to raise awareness.” The family are preparing to farewell her at a funeral on Friday, and have asked those who wish to send flowers to instead make a donation to the <a href="https://inmemoryofcharlotte.raiselysite.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Kids Helpline</a>. Need to talk to someone? Don't go it alone. Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 SANE: 1800 187 263; saneforums.org Image credits: 2GB / Kids Helpline <p style="box-sizing: inherit; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size-adjust: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-position: inherit; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; font-size: 18px; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">

Caring

Australia rallies behind grieving mum after Carlton train tragedy

Australians have rallied together to raise money for the wife of a hero father who died along with his daughter after they were <a href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/health/caring/father-remembered-for-instinctive-act-of-bravery-before-train-tragedy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">tragically struck</a> by a train. Anand Runwal, 40, and his two-year-old daughter were killed at Sydney's Carlton train station on July 21 after a pram carrying the twin girls fell onto the train tracks. One of the twins miraculously survived and was rescued by police who crawled under the train when they heard her crying. Now, nearly $140,000 has been raised for his wife, Poonam, who reportedly flew back to India to be with family and bury her husband, according to the Daily Mail. “In the face of this unimaginable loss and grief, we come together as family, friends and colleagues to support the family of Anand Runwal, a hero who sacrificed everything to try and save his twin daughters during the Carlton Train Station tragedy,” the fundraiser read. “Anand was a calm, humble and friendly person who was liked by everyone he associated with. “Let’s surround the Runwal family with love, kindness, and generosity. Every donation, share, and message of support brings comfort and hope to those affected by this tragedy.” The fundraiser has exceeded its initial goal of $20,000 and has now been closed. Nadeen Ahmed, who runs the Indians in Sydney Facebook group has shared Poonam's reaction to the generosity of everyone who donated. “They initially wanted to raise $20,000 to help her with her immediate expenses but they were overwhelmed by the response and people’s generosity,” Ahmed told the Daily Mail. "They ended up raising almost $140,000 in just a couple of days, which they never expected. "They raised so much they decided to close the fundraiser and that money has now all been transferred to Mrs Runwal," she continued. “It’s a very hard situation for her, knowing what to do. She’s heading back to India to be with family because it is going to take months and months for her to deal with this tragedy.” NSW Police Superintendent Paul Dunstan was one of many who praised Runwal’s "brave and heroic" act. NSW Premier Chris Minns, who lives close to the station, also praised the father's "instinctive act of bravery", adding “that’s not going to bring him or his little daughter back, but it shouldn’t go unremarked upon in the face of a terrible, terrible accident. “He gave his life to try and save his children.” Images: Facebook

Caring

Condolence messages that will help you find the right words

<h2>Condolence messages for every situation</h2> When someone you care about has lost someone they care about, it’s important to reach out and show your love. “We’re hard-wired as human beings to connect with others, especially when we’re grieving,” says Abigail Nathanson, a licensed social worker and professor of grief and trauma at New York University. “Being able to talk about the pain and loss and receive support from others is an essential part of the grieving process.” While you may eventually engage in longer discussions, condolence messages are the first step after any loss. These messages of sympathy are a simple and beautiful way to connect with a grieving loved one. But even though death and grief are universal experiences, it can be hard to find the right things to say to someone who is grieving or know what to write in a condolence card—probably because there aren’t any words that can take away their pain. But it’s proper etiquette to say something rather than to stay silent. Otherwise, the person who’s grieving might think you don’t care. <h2>What can you say to comfort someone who’s lost a loved one?</h2> “Just like there is no one ‘right’ way to grieve, there is no one script for what to say to someone who has experienced a great loss,” Nathanson says. “However we do know that there are some things that many people find comforting and supportive.” When thinking of what to say when someone dies, Nathanson offers these tips: <ul> <li>Lead with sympathy or empathy.</li> <li>Offer to listen (and then listen without interrupting).</li> <li>Don’t offer banal platitudes, like: “Everything will turn out for the best.”</li> <li>Don’t tell them how to feel, like: “Your father wouldn’t want you to be sad.”</li> <li>Reinforce your love and support for them.</li> <li>Offer to help in meaningful ways.</li> <li>Don’t offer advice unless they ask for it.</li> </ul> <h2>How to write a condolence message</h2> “Remember that the goal of a condolence message is not to talk the person out of being sad or to ‘cure’ their grief,” Nathanson says. “It’s to offer love and support during a trying time.” Expressing condolences in person is incredibly powerful, but if you can’t be there with them, sending a condolence message is the next best thing. In this digital age, you have lots of options. <ul> <li>Video messages offer the added bonus of face-to-face connection.</li> <li>Condolence text messages are an immediate way to reach out.</li> <li>Email is a great way to share longer thoughts, including pictures or memories of the loved one. They can also be read at the person’s leisure.</li> <li>Handwritten notes show extra care and are often sentimental keepsakes.</li> <li>Comments on social media show public support and allow you to interact with others who may be grieving the loss as well.</li> </ul> Regardless of which method you choose to convey your love and support, keep your message relatively short. Grief can induce brain fog, making it difficult to concentrate on long messages, Nathanson says. And send your message as soon as you can (but better late than never!), and consider attaching it to one of these beautiful sympathy gifts. <h2>Short condolence messages</h2> To help you find the right words, here’s a list of heartfelt short condolence messages messages. Your kind words will be appreciated more than you know. <ol> <li>I’m so sorry for your loss.</li> <li>My heart breaks for you.</li> <li>This hurts, and it sucks!</li> <li>You are in my prayers.</li> <li>My heart is with you at this time.</li> <li>I love you, and I’m here for you.</li> <li>I’m so sorry you are hurting.</li> <li>Sending love and peace.</li> <li>You are in my thoughts.</li> <li>May you find comfort at this time.</li> <li>Blessings for you and your loved ones.</li> <li>I’m with you during this difficult time.</li> <li>I hope you can feel my love.</li> <li>Love and support for you and yours.</li> <li>I wish I could give you the biggest hug.</li> <li>Sending you peaceful and loving vibes.</li> <li>Praying you feel comforted.</li> <li>You can cry on my shoulder.</li> <li>I’m devastated for you.</li> <li>My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.</li> </ol> Image credits: Shutterstock This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/inspirational/condolence-messages-that-will-help-you-find-the-right-words" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader's Digest</a>.

Caring

Grieving dad fights for "ZaZa's Law" after toddler dies in his arms

A grieving father has called for change after his toddler tragically died from choking on a grape. Brian Bwoga, a 44-year-old dad from Perth was at the beach with his two sons, Alessandro, four, and Zaire (ZaZa) 22 months, at the beginning of the year on what seemed like a normal family day out. But what was meant to be an idyllic summer’s day soon turned into any parent’s worst nightmare. “The weather was amazing, the boys were playing and it was just the perfect summer’s day,” Brian, who parents his boys with their mother Claudia, 39, told <a href="https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/news-life/perth-toddler-dies-five-minutes-after-being-eating-popular-snack/news-story/0bfb598fe70bb5b47259cdc3b80c60cd" target="_blank" rel="noopener">news.com.au</a>. “I was gathering up our things ready to go home. My older son Alex came up to me and asked if he could play for just five more minutes. I was carrying ZaZa, and I told them both to go and play together with their friends while I finish packing the car." “The next minute ZaZa is just running to me, holding his neck and gasping for air." “I jumped into action and did CPR, I put my fingers inside his throat and got one grape out. I was so relieved, I thought thank god I got it out. But I didn’t know there were four more grapes inside his throat.” The toddler continued to choke on the grapes, and Brian says his eyes started “popping out”. The terrified dad began performing abdominal thrusts to try and dislodge the grapes but to no avail. “I told one of the mothers to call the ambulance. I was terrified,” he recalled. “My older son was scared and asked me why there was blood coming from ZaZa’s mouth. I told him to go with another parent because I didn’t want him to see this. I was holding ZaZa and he was looking at me. I gave him CPR again and I tried so hard to save him." “He gave me this look and died in my arms.” “I left home with a beach bag and left with a body bag. It happened so quick. Within a few minutes he was gone. My son Alex is traumatised. He misses his brother so much and I don’t know how to fix it.” Grapes are a notorious choking hazard for children under the age of 5, as it is often recommended to always cut up grapes when feeding them to young kids. Sadly, Zaza consumed the grapes whole, and although the mistake cost his son his life, he doesn't place the blame on anyone. Instead, he wants to educate the public about the importance of cutting up grapes and is now fighting for <a href="https://www.change.org/p/zaza-s-law?source_location=petitions_browse" target="_blank" rel="noopener">change</a> as he hopes to introduce ‘ZaZa’s Law’ to parliament. This new law would ensure there are choking hazard labels on all grape packets and other food items that could be dangerous for small children. “I would hate for this to happen to anyone else. But I hear so many stories about kids dying from choking,” he said. “Ideally, I would like a warning label on all grapes and small foods to warn people to cut them up. Even a big sign at the supermarket for parents." “Not everyone knows this, but every parent needs to be aware of the dangers of food. I want ZaZa’s Law to come into parliament to get labels on everything." “We buy toys and they come with warning labels for things like batteries or other choking hazards. Why can’t we do the same for food?” The dad also hopes that a new anti-choking device, called LifeVac, might be more widely introduced in Australia and placed in public spaces. “Everywhere you go, shopping centres or beaches, there is a defibrillator on the wall,” he explained. “That is great, but we also need those anti-choking devices. It sucks everything up like a plunger and has saved so many lives." “If we had that at the beach that day, ZaZa might still be here.” Image credits: Courtesy of Brian Bwoga

Caring

Family of Hannah McGuire make heart-wrenching decision

A tight-knit community have rallied behind the family of Hannah McGuire, a 23-year-old teacher who was allegedly murdered by her estranged partner. Hannah's parents have made the heart-wrenching decision to reopen their family-run pub, the National Hotel in the town of Clunes, north of Ballarat, in the days after Hannah's death. As the hotel reopened, locals came together to lay flowers, buy drinks and share memories. “It’s the saddest thing, I can’t believe it,” one patron told <a href="https://7news.com.au/news/pub-run-by-family-of-hannah-mcguire-allegedly-murdered-by-ex-partner-reopens-in-clunes-north-of-ballarat--c-14266127" target="_blank" rel="noopener">7News</a>. “To the young girl, we gave her all the best." In the wake of Hannah's death, the women of Ballarat are set to join together for an emotional gathering to demand an end to violence against women. The Ballarat region's Samantha Murphy, Rebecca Young and Hannah McGuire have all allegedly died at the hands of men since the beginning of February. A rally will begin at Ballarat train station on Friday before gathering at Camp Street, family members of the victims, community leaders and family violence specialists will address the gathering. Organiser Sissy Austin, who was herself savagely attacked while on a run in 2023, said the issue was a national crisis. "Us Ballarat women, we're coming together to stand in solidarity, to feel less alone and to show the country that we're united," Ms Austin told AAP. "We're here to fight for our rights to live safely in our community for generations to come. "The Ballarat community aren't going to succumb to the violence that has been perpetrated in our town." Ms Austin said the three killings in a little over two months had stunned the community. "Women are living on eggshells," she said. "The most immediate thing that we need to do, particularly as women, is to unite and show men who choose to use violence in our community that we stand against it," she added. "Enough is enough." Image credits: Google Maps / Facebook

Caring

Grieving families targeted in callous gravesite robberies

Four families in Victoria have been left devastated after the gravesites of their loved ones have been callously burgled. Maurice D'Alberti was visiting the grave of his son Adam at the Fawkner Memorial Park in North Melbourne when he noticed sentimental items had been taken. Adam passed away six years ago after a battle with cancer, and his father was visiting his son's resting place on what would've been his 10th birthday when he made the discovery that toy cars, along with an engraved ribbon and a photo of Adam were gone. "As a parent that's lost a child, we hang on to things, that they've touched, and things that they've loved," D'Alberti told <a href="https://www.9news.com.au/national/families-targeted-in-series-of-gravesite-robberies/39898523-e8cb-41c8-a5d5-2feb044492ba" target="_blank" rel="noopener">9News</a>. "You can't get any lower. He's already been robbed of his life and now he's been robbed of his possessions." At least three other graves had also been ransacked, with the families feeling "great distress" over the stolen items. Jake Maurici noticed that precious items had been taken from his father Vince's grave, and wants to see better security installed in the memorial park. Jake was devastated to learn that the brazen thieves had taken off with a football scarf and pins from his dad's grave, given their sentimental value to both him and his father as diehard Carlton fans. "Things I get emotional about, going to the footy with my dad... we did it when I was younger," he said. "Having stuff that was with him is what I remember him by." "I think the security needs to be improved...my mother comes here late at night," Maurici said. The families are calling on the culprits to do the right thing and return the stolen items. Image credits: Nine News

Legal

Lilie James' grieving family breaks silence as body is found in manhunt for suspect

Lilie James' devastated family have spoken out for the first time, following her <a href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/news/news/slain-st-andrew-s-staffer-identified" target="_blank" rel="noopener">tragic death</a>. The 21-year-old water polo coach was found dead with serious head injuries at the gymnasium bathroom of St Andrew’s Cathedral School on Wednesday night. Her male colleague and ex-boyfriend Paul Thijssen is believed to be involved in her <a href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/news/news/tragic-new-details-emerge-in-alleged-murder-of-lilie-james" target="_blank" rel="noopener">alleged murder</a>, when he went missing at The Gap in Vaucluse, after reportedly calling the police informing them of a body on school grounds. A body has reportedly been found at the base of the cliffs in Diamond Bay Reserve, however police are currently unable to confirm whether the body was that of 24-year-old Thijssen. “A police operation is currently underway to retrieve a body in Vaucluse,” NSW Police said in an earlier statement. “No further information is available at this time.” Detectives are currently investigating the possibility that Thijssen had taken his own life, as The Gap is a notorious suicide spot, and Thijssen's backpack and an item linked to the alleged homicide was found there. On Friday morning, her family have broken their silence following the grim discovery. “We are devastated and heartbroken by the loss of our beautiful Lilie James,” the family said in a statement released by the police. “She was vibrant, outgoing, and very much loved by her family and friends. We are tremendously grateful for the support of our community at this difficult time. “As a police investigation is underway, we will not be providing further comments. “We ask that you please respect our privacy.” Students have been paying tribute to the fallen water polo coach with a growing flower memorial at the school's entrance. A few of the students she coached also told 7NEWS.com.au that she was an “amazing” and “encouraging” coach. "She always had a smile on her face,” one student said. “You will be in all of our prayers and hearts. Thank you for making PE so much fun, thank you for being an amazing and strong coach, and thank you for being there. We love you,” another student said. Images: 7NEWS/Facebook

News

Grieving family speaks after three siblings killed in light plane crash

The Nally family, who tragically lost four of their loved ones in a devastating plane crash, has broken their silence following the heart-wrenching incident. Peter Nally, aged 65, was piloting the light aircraft when the accident occurred, claiming the lives of not only himself but also his three cherished grandchildren: Raphael, 11; Evita, nine; and Philomena, six. The crash took place near Canberra around 2:50pm on Friday. In a brief statement released through the NSW Police, members of the Nally family expressed the profound grief they are currently enduring. Their statement read, "There are no words that can adequately convey the depth of sorrow our family is experiencing at this moment. We are deeply grateful for the overwhelming support we have received from our extended family, friends, and the local community." "As we continue to grapple with this unimaginable loss, we kindly request that the media respect our need for privacy as we mourn and attempt to cope with this tragic event." Peter Nally, an experienced pilot hailing from Bunya, Queensland, had been flying his three beloved grandchildren back to his daughter Elyse's residence in Armidale, northern New South Wales, after a visit with family in Ainslie, a suburb of Canberra. The Cirrus SR22 light plane they were aboard lost contact with air traffic controllers shortly after departing from Canberra Airport at 2:30pm. Disturbing audio recordings captured the desperate efforts of controllers attempting to establish contact with Mr Nally, to no avail. Within a matter of minutes, the aircraft crashed, igniting into flames upon impact at a rural property near Lake George in the New South Wales Tablelands. Tragically, everyone on board perished instantly, and the aircraft was obliterated. Emergency services swiftly responded to the scene after receiving a report from a witness who had seen flames emanating from the wreckage. Although fire crews managed to extinguish the blaze, there was no chance of saving any lives. Investigations into the root cause of the catastrophic crash are currently ongoing, with preliminary reports indicating a potential failure of the plane's built-in parachute system. The Australian Transport Safety Bureau (ATSB) issued a statement on Saturday, stating, "In the coming days, investigators with expertise in aircraft operations and maintenance will carry out a range of evidence-gathering activities at the crash site." According to the ATSB, it may take up to eight weeks before a preliminary report detailing the incident is made available to the public. Image: Glenbrook Catholic Church St Finbar

Travel Trouble

Uber driver shares touching moment with grieving passenger

A young Uber driver has shared the emotional interaction he had with a grieving mother. James Bade, a 23-year-old from Sydney, shares clips from his best Uber driving moments on his TikTok, capturing honest moments with his passengers. Bade's latest video has moved his followers to tears, as he drove around an older couple who broke down in tears at the end of their journey. James captioned his video, "This job makes me cry sometimes,” as the video shows the elderly woman telling James, “You know what? Look after yourself.” Her voice broke as she said, "You're a champion." The couple then left the car, before the woman began tapping frantically on James' window as he winds it down. <div class="embed" style="font-size: 16px; box-sizing: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; outline: none !important;"><iframe class="embedly-embed" style="box-sizing: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 600px; max-width: 100%; outline: none !important;" title="tiktok embed" src="https://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/media.html?src=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tiktok.com%2Fembed%2Fv2%2F7279295029410057480&display_name=tiktok&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tiktok.com%2F%40jamesbadeofficial%2Fvideo%2F7279295029410057480&image=https%3A%2F%2Fp16-sign-sg.tiktokcdn.com%2Fobj%2Ftos-alisg-p-0037%2F7648b1db68b747d38845e102a8a6ef9e_1694842956%3Fx-expires%3D1695945600%26x-signature%3DCvk%252FeflE7E2aY%252Fv15VOGr7IwGr4%253D&key=59e3ae3acaa649a5a98672932445e203&type=text%2Fhtml&schema=tiktok" width="340" height="700" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></div> “I lost my son last year,” she tells him through tears. “And you remind me so much of my son.” Bade unbuckles his seatbelt and hugs the woman through the window as she cries. The woman, still sobbing, holds Mr Bade for a moment, telling him to “take care”. “The world will take you wherever you want to go,” she tells him. The comments section was flooded with emotional messages, showing that the interaction obviously touched his followers. “You can tell she has so much love and nowhere for it to go,” one wrote. “Actually crying … how lovely,” said another. Another added, “This is just beautiful … you can just tell in her voice that she needed that so much.” Sadly, not every one of James' passengers are as lovely, as he recently made headlines after a rude passenger <a href="https://oversixty.com.au/travel/travel-trouble/uber-driver-shocked-by-elderly-passenger-s-intrusive-questions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">talked down to him</a> over his career choice and high school exam results. Image credits: TikTok

Caring

“Please go away”: Grieving mother slams “god-bothering” vandal

A heart-broken mother has slammed a “god-botherer” who superglued a cross to her son’s memorial. Sydney parents Edwina and Anthony Symonds lost their son Sebastian, lovingly known as Seb, when he was just 10-months-old in 2018. After Seb’s death, the grieving parents organised for a memorial plaque to be fixed to a sitting rock located at a popular walk in the city's northern beaches – a place they frequented with Seb before his passing. Edwina told <a href="https://honey.nine.com.au/latest/sydney-baby-memorial-plaque-cross-super-glue-parents-message/348ed1ef-3155-4d56-977e-df84db43715b" target="_blank" rel="noopener">9Honey </a>that she is used to finding well-wishing trinkets people have left behind on Seb’s memorial. "Previously we've had little bibles left there, or small rocks that have been painted by children, or feathers," Edwina said, adding that the family usually takes the items with them as they go along. However, Edwina said one passerby has taken it too far, by supergluing a religious cross to the plaque. "It's obnoxious," Edwina says. She was informed of the unwanted addition to her son's plaque by a friend, and shared a post on a local Facebook page to explain her distress. "To be fair, I'm Catholic and I used to go to church every week when I was younger. I don't have a problem with religion," she said. "I think I captured it well with what I wrote. But don't super glue your religion to me or my son." Her Facebook post read, "To the God-botherer that vandalised our son's plaque by supergluing a cross to it!!! I imagine somewhere in whatever religion you choose to follow, there is some sort of rule that says, 'Don't be a low-life by wrecking other people's property.' If not, there should be.” "Religion is a nice ideal. You are entitled to your beliefs and no-one should take issue with that. I certainly don't.” "I am sure you had some lovely thoughts when you were sitting with Seb like, 'God took this baby to a 'better' place, or that he 'had a plan' for this child, or even the classic 'everything happens for a reason.'” "Cool story, but please go away. Seb doesn't need you to 'save' him. He died already. He can't be saved.” Anthony also commented on the post, not holding back with his frustration over the vandal’s actions. "To the god botherer, Seb is looking down having a laugh at your kooky effort and giving you his swear finger. At 10 months old, his heart was as pure as it gets, though he has subsequently learnt the words f--k you.” "A narrow minded fool, keep away from Seb's little playground. Keep your ideas out of other people's lives unless invited in, the end.” While many of the comments expressed distress at news of her son's death at such a young age, Edwina was quick to explain they are managing to live with their grief, and that Seb's death isn't the issue at hand. "I'm sure they had good intentions, but their execution is s***house," Edwina told 9Honey. "I haven't been down there yet, you have to walk one kilometre along the walkway to see it. I'll have to go to Bunnings to get some bond remover or something. But I have two young kids, so it's just another thing on my to-do list." Image credits: Facebook

Family & Pets

Is there a right way to grieve?

Loss and grieving doesn't feel like a process when you're suffering it. The pain, often overwhelming, feels like it's with you forever. And to some extent, it is. Everything that happens to us in life – both positive and negative – becomes yet another part of our psychological tapestry: the web of experience and learned factors that makes up who we are beyond our genes. What is grief? Grief is the multi-faceted response to loss. It could be loss of a person, loss of an animal, loss of a home, of loss of anything else we are emotionally and/or physically attached to. In short, it's the emotional suffering we are forced to endure when something is taken away from us. An often-studied psychological process, grief is complicated. In renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's 1969 book On Death and Dying, it was proposed there were five stages of grief that everybody goes through when somebody dies. Known as the Kubler-Ross model, these stages are denial (refusing to accept what has happened); anger; bargaining (the internal negotiating stage in which one goes through a series of "if only" questions), depression; and acceptance. In the early days of this theory, it was largely believed that this five-pronged process was linear, i.e. a person going through grief sequentially moved from one stage to the other. In Kubler-Ross' later life, she noted that the stages were non-linear – somebody who's grieving can experience stages in any order, can go back to stages they thought were over, or may not experience all stages. Many other mental health professionals have suggested alternative processes, including psychologist John Bowlby's model which pinpoints the phases a person may follow after another's death in more practical terms. His theory stated that we first experience numbness (a sense of disbelief of what has happened); yearning (characterised by that "I just want them back" feeling); disorganisation and disrepair (a sense of helplessness); and reorganisation (the process by which a person regains some control and hope, and begins to move forward. Though there are many other models of grief, these two are well-positioned to contrast with each other. Anybody who's been through – or is going through – grief may identify with one psychotherapeutic framework much more than the other. What stops you grieving? Adrenaline can stop a person from grieving. Some people become very competent after a loss and throw themselves into logistics whilst running at an emotional "boiling point", but never flowing over. Most people when grieving will understand it comes an uncomfortable, if not painful, sense of regret. It's as if you think you shouldn't be feeling the way that you are, and that grieving is somehow wrong or weak. In fighting against grief because you have some sort of stigma against it, grieving can be even more painful. Not only may you be (consciously or subconsciously) experiencing certain stages of grief as outlined in the Kubler-Ross, Bowlby, or other models, but you're also using up so much of your energy trying "not to" feel. Such efforts can wreak havoc on your mental health. Many people find that when faced with loss, they feel there's only one option: to be strong. This, too, can put off the grieving process, and often happens when we see ourselves as supporters or carers of others. We believe we "can't fall apart" for their sake; whether it's because we must care of children, keep a household or business running, be the "rock" for somebody else who is grieving, and so on. Is there a right way to grieve? In Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's new book Option B, Sandberg – whose husband died suddenly at 47 – uses psychologist Martin Seligman's "3 P's" approach to explain the importance of grieving. It' proposed that personalisation (finding blame for one's loss); pervasiveness (how a loss is perceived to affect your life); and permanence (how long you think negative feelings will last) are key in the human ability to deal with grief. This can mean realising that a death or loss couldn't have been prevented by you, it won't always impinge on all areas of your life and that pain won't last forever at the same level of intensity. There is no "right" way to grieve – every individual will have their own experience – but this "3 P's" approach can be key in the ultimate goal of loss or death: accepting that what's happened has happened. Written by Lee Suckling. First appeared on <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Stuff.co.nz</a>. Image: Getty

Caring

Why mourning a pet can be harder than grieving for a person

Many pet owners know that our connections with animals can be on an emotional par with those we share with other humans – and <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Ben-Rockett/publication/274344384_Animals_and_Attachment_Theory/links/5f8552bb458515b7cf7c5851/Animals-and-Attachment-Theory.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">scientific research backs this up</a>. <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407507087958" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The key ingredients of human attachment</a> are experiencing the other person as a dependable source of comfort, seeking them out when distressed, feeling enjoyment in their presence and missing them when apart. Researchers have identified these as features of our relationships with pets too. But there are complexities. Some groups of people are more likely to develop intimate bonds with their pets. This includes <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=yyM5DQAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA123&dq=pet+attachment+and+older+people&ots=g4NhHQwmag&sig=82Jmnjag7NC40mxaITf18Vsjk8g#v=onepage&q=pet%20attachment%20and%20older%20people&f=false" target="_blank" rel="noopener">isolated older people</a>, <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Ben-Rockett/publication/313459134_Fostering_secure_attachment_experiences_of_animal_companions_in_the_foster_home/links/5f85529e458515b7cf7c5848/Fostering-secure-attachment-experiences-of-animal-companions-in-the-foster-home.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">people who have lost trust in humans</a>, and <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14616734.2011.584410?journalCode=rahd20" target="_blank" rel="noopener">people who rely on assistance animals</a>. Researchers have also found our connections with our fluffy, scaled and feathered friends come with a price, in that we <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07481187.2021.1901799" target="_blank" rel="noopener">grieve the loss of our pets</a>. But some aspects of pet grief are unique. <h2>Euthanasia</h2> For many people, pet death may be the only experience they have of grief connected to euthanasia. Guilt or doubt over a decision to euthanise a cherished companion animal can complicate grief. For example, <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/288696026_Pet_loss_and_human_emotion_A_guide_to_recovery_Second_edition" target="_blank" rel="noopener">research has found</a> that disagreements within families about whether it is (or was) right to put a pet to sleep can be particularly challenging. But euthanasia also gives people a chance to prepare for a beloved animal’s passing. There is a chance to say goodbye and plan final moments to express love and respect such as a favourite meal, a night in together or a last goodbye. There are stark differences in people’s responses to pet euthanasia. <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07481187.2012.738764" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Israeli research</a> found that in the aftermath of euthanised pet death, 83% of people feel certain they made the right decision. They believed they had granted their animal companion a more honourable death that minimised suffering. However, a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1539639/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Canadian study</a> found 16% of participants in their study whose pets were euthanised “felt like murderers”. And <a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Establishing-a-model-pet-loss-support-hotline.-Mader-Hart/ed169dfdb2d43c2c94bc3f4c617e92bb37c08402" target="_blank" rel="noopener">American research</a> has shown how nuanced the decision can be as 41% of participants in a study felt guilty and 4% experienced suicidal feelings after they consented to their animal being euthanised. Cultural beliefs, the nature and intensity of their relationship, attachment styles and personality influence people’s experience of pet euthanasia. <h2>Disenfranchised grief</h2> This type of loss <a href="https://neurosciencenews.com/grief-pet-loss-21950/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">is still less acceptable socially</a>. This is called disenfranchised grief, which refers to losses that society doesn’t fully appreciate or ignores. This makes it harder to mourn, at least in public. Psychologists Robert Neiymeyer and John Jordan said <a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Disenfranchised-Grief%3A-New-Directions%2C-Challenges%2C-Doka/93982a0299f424a451986bc2938751d909b5a98b" target="_blank" rel="noopener">disenfranchised grief</a> is a result of an empathy failure. People deny their own pet grief because a part of them feels it is shameful. This isn’t just about keeping a stiff upper lip in the office or at the pub. People may feel pet grief is unacceptable to certain members of their family, or to the family more generally. And at a wider level, there may be a mismatch between the depth of pet grief and social expectations around animal death. For example, some people may react with contempt if someone misses work or takes leave to mourn a pet. <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08927936.2019.1621545?journalCode=rfan20" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Research</a> suggests that when people are in anguish over the loss of a pet, disenfranchised grief makes it more difficult for them to find solace, post-traumatic growth and healing. Disenfranchised grief seems to restrain emotional expression in a way that makes it harder to process. Our relationships to our pets can be as meaningful as those we share with each other. Losing our pets is no less painful, and our grief reflects that. There are dimensions of pet grief we need to recognise as unique. If we can accept pet death as a type of bereavement, we can lessen people’s suffering. We’re only human, after all. This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-mourning-a-pet-can-be-harder-than-grieving-for-a-person-195514" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>. Image: Shutterstock

Relationships

4 surprising things your body goes through when you grieve

We all deal with grief in our lives, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship breakup or job loss – no matter the reason behind it, grieving can take its toll not only on the mind but also on the body. Here are four surprising physical changes you might notice during your time of grief. <ol> <li>Irregular heartbeat – A study of almost 90,000 people published in the Open Heart journal found that having a “broken heart” mightn’t be so far-fetched after all. Those who lost a partner were found to be more likely to develop an irregular heartbeat and 41 per cent more at risk of atrial fibrillation, particularly around two weeks after the death. Given that this can be a serious condition (potentially lasting up to a year after a loss), sufferers should see their doctor if they have any concerns.</li> <li>Weakened immune system – Older people who experience the death of a loved one are more susceptible to disease, according to research published in the Age and Immunity journal. They were reported to have poorer functioning neutrophils – white blood cells responsible for boosting immunity.</li> <li>Anxiety – While anxiety is certainly a mental health issue, sufferers will have noticed how it can manifest itself physically, causing shortness of breath, an unsettled stomach, weight changes, decreased energy levels and shakes. These symptoms are all common after a gut-wrenching loss, but fortunately, there are many treatments available. Discuss your symptoms with your GP and they will recommend measures to take.</li> <li>Skin issues – Mourners may notice stress-related skin issues after a devastating loss. “When we are anguished, in pain and stressed skin issues can erupt,” psychotherapist Amanda Falkson told <a href="http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/wellbeing/a26707/coping-with-grief-physical-symptoms/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">NetDoctor</a>. “I've noticed skin issues in people particularly when they suppress their emotions. In Chinese medical tradition, lungs and sinuses are linked to grieving.”</li> </ol> Image: Getty

Caring

“That’s not my mum”: Funeral mix-up sees grieving daughter farewell a stranger

A grieving woman has said a mix-up has meant the body in the casket at her mum’s funeral was actually that of a total stranger. When Dianne De Jager realised what had happened, her experience was made even more distressing when she was told by the funeral director to carry on with the service regardless. Recounting the event to A Current Affair, the Adelaide woman said it made her feel sick and “not want to be there”. “Everybody in that room thought they were saying goodbye to my mum, and it’s not her,” Ms De Jager told the program. “It made me feel sick. It made me not want to be there.” Her mother, Margaret Locke, was due to be farewelled at the service on August 1 at the Enfield Memorial Park, with around 100 people gathering for the service. But, when Ms De Jager looked inside the casket one last time, she realised a terrible mistake had been made. “That’s not my mum,” she told the funeral director. "He said, 'that's definitely Margaret, she was tagged as Margaret', and I said, 'this is not my mum'," she recalled. He only relented when Ms De Jager showed him a recent photo of her late mum. "I zoomed the face in and I put it next to the lady in that coffin and I said, 'that is not my mum'.” Despite the mistake, the funeral director suggested they carry on with the service while the mix-up was investigated. "How can you say goodbye to your mum when it's not her?” Ms De Jager said. "None of that eulogy really sunk in, or hit me because I wasn't really listening properly, I wasn't there. It just made me feel so empty and blank.” In a statement shared with A Current Affair, Clarke Family Funerals admitted a “mistake” was made with Ms Locke’s service and that the decision to continue the service was an error. "We have always striven to provide beautiful and respectful funerals that offer a lasting tribute but we fell well short of our own high standards,” they said. "This situation is deeply regrettable and we continue to offer our sincerest apologies to the family. "This decision was made under the stress of the situation and on reflection we should have sought a different outcome." Adrien Barrett, the president of the Australian Funeral Directors Association, said that multiple measures, such as various tags and checks, were used to ensure the person in a casket was the person being mourned. But, if there is any doubt, he said the first thing to do would be to stop the funeral. "The first thing that would need to happen would be that the funeral service should be stopped," Mr Barrett said. "The person whose funeral it's supposed to be isn't at the funeral. "We also have a person whose funeral it's not supposed to be at the funeral." After the service, Ms Locke was located and cremated, with the De Jager family then presented with her ashes. Ms De Jager said all she could do during the service was make the best of the situation. "So I said goodbye to this lady, I said 'rest in peace' and 'I hope you find your family'". Images: Channel 9

Family & Pets

Grieving stepdad slams new bride after "delusional" request

A new bride has been slammed online by her stepfather, after demanding compensation from guests who missed her wedding ceremony to attend a funeral. The grieving man shared the story of his wife's daughter on Reddit, explaining the "delusional" decisions of his 27-year-old stepdaughter. Posting on Reddit's "Am I the A**hole?" thread, he wrote, "My stepdaughter Tara, 27, recently got married." "Six days before her wedding my father died unexpectedly. The people invited to her wedding from my family was myself, my two kids, my brother, and one of my sisters." The man explained that he had flown to another state to see his mother after hearing of his father's passing, while his wife stayed at home to help prepare for the upcoming wedding. "[My family] were aware of Tara's wedding and tried to be mindful of it and also give our family time to get in town for the funeral," he explained. "The funeral home serves the area my parents live in and the dates available for service were 3 before the wedding, day of the wedding, day after the wedding. They went with the day after." He went on to explain how his siblings understandably skipped the wedding due to the logistics of being able to attend both the wedding and the funeral that were happening several hours away. "My kids and I stayed for Tara's wedding, took photos, and left right after the ceremony since it was a 6-hour drive, and airline prices were insanely high and I'd already dropped a good bit of money on the first flight after dad died," he said. "Day after the funeral, those of us who missed the wedding were sent requests for $125 by Tara as a refund for meal and favor bags," he shared. "My kids and siblings asked if she was serious and I told them I'd call her to find out. When I called, she said she was serious and we had cost her money and owed her for missing her wedding." The man said that both his wife and his stepdaughter said the group should have left after the ceremony, despite the man already giving countless reasons why that was not possible. "My brother and sister couldn't afford two plane tickets or get that many days off, and they had sent their apologies and wedding gifts to her. I also pointed out we couldn't all fit in one car to drive there," he continued. "My wife insists I should pay all the refunds and my mother shouldn't have scheduled a funeral the day after the wedding and worse for me to leave on Tara's wedding day." When he asked Reddit users for their opinion on if he and his family were in the wrong, they did not hold back. "I am really shocked by how calm you seem about this. This was unthinkably callous on her part," one wrote. One person put it bluntly, commenting: "There are a few reasons why missing a wedding after rsvp'ing yes is acceptable and that includes a death in the family/funeral. There is something seriously wrong with your wife and step daughter." "That was your dad's funeral. She's delusional and so is your wife," added another. Image credits: Getty Images

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“That’s not my mum”: Funeral mix-up sees grieving daughter farewell a stranger

Grieving stepdad slams new bride after "delusional" request

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