Jeremy Clarkson declares victory over Elon Musk, orders champagne

In news that will surprise absolutely no one, Jeremy Clarkson has once again fired shots at Tesla chief executive Elon Musk, officially declaring himself the winner of a long-running feud that has been about as dramatic as a slow-speed parking lot collision.

Writing in The Times, Clarkson exulted, "victory is mine", as Tesla’s sales, share price and overall desirability have taken a nosedive faster than a Cybertruck’s resale value.

The feud between the two began years ago when Clarkson, in his infinite wisdom and love for combustion engines, gave the original Tesla Roadster a less-than-stellar review on the wildly popular Top Gear. Musk, never one to shy away from a legal skirmish, promptly filed a lawsuit, claiming Clarkson and his team had fabricated breakdowns during filming. The courts, however, disagreed, dismissing Musk’s claims with the legal equivalent of an eye-roll. As Clarkson smugly recalls, "he lost the case, and the appeal, and he’s never really got over it".

Now, with Tesla’s fortunes dimming like the headlights of a Model 3 after one too many software updates, Clarkson is relishing the moment. He sarcastically wonders how Musk is handling the turn of events, especially given that "the eco hippies who used to idolise him have turned on his cars". Apparently, those who once saw Tesla as the shining hope of the future are now treating it like an unwanted pair of Crocs – something they were once excited about but now deeply regret.

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Recent reports show that Tesla vehicles in the US are being vandalised at an alarming rate, possibly by disillusioned former fans or rogue members of Clarkson’s fan club. Meanwhile, sales in major markets like the US and Germany have plummeted by 70 percent. Reuters even reported that Tesla trade-ins have tripled.

Of course, Musk, never one to let a good Twitter (or should we say X?) battle pass him by, may eventually respond with his usual blend of memes and cryptic threats to relocate Tesla to Mars. But Clarkson, in his weekend column, seems entirely unbothered. “I should really have sued him back, but I feared he’d call me a paedo, so instead I just waited on the river bank for his body to float past. And now it has.”

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There’s something almost Shakespearean about the whole affair, except instead of poetic monologues and tragic endings, we get Clarkson smirking and Musk possibly rage-tweeting into the abyss. Meanwhile, Clarkson spares a moment of sympathy for Tesla owners, calling them "deluded fools" who bought into the hype but still work hard to make their monthly payments. "Even though I think it’s nothing more than a wheeled white good, it’s their pride and joy. So it’s not fair for someone with hairy armpits and no job to set fire to it."

With a new Amazon motoring show on the horizon, Clarkson will no doubt continue to share his thoughts on Tesla, electric cars and anything else that catches his ire. As for Musk, he’ll likely carry on plotting world domination, launching rockets and possibly developing an AI to create the perfect Twitter comeback.

The world keeps turning, and the feud continues. Pass the popcorn.

Images: Reddit / Wikicommons Gage Skidmore