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7 things you should never say at a funeral

What not to say at a funeral Struggling to find the right words to convey sympathy at a funeral? Even the most well-intentioned comments can come across as hurtful instead of helpful. Here are some common phrases you should never say at a funeral –and what to say instead. Never say "I know how you feel" at a funeral Instead, say: “I can’t imagine how you feel.” By the time we’re adults, most of us will have experienced the loss of a family member, friend or colleague. What’s important to note, however, is that although the phases of grief are similar, we don’t necessarily know how another grieving individual truly feels. “Everyone’s experience is unique,” says Jaime Bickerton, executive director of Bereaved Families of Ontario in Canada. “Everyone’s loss is the worst, because it’s theirs.” It can help to think of yourself in a helper role, says author and grief counsellor, Dr Alan Wolfelt. “Walk ‘with,’ not ‘behind’ or ‘in front of’ the person who is mourning.” "Time heals all wounds" is something you should never say at a funeral Instead, say: “Take the time you need and be gentle with yourself.” “There’s no formula when it comes to grief,” says Asya Hadzismajlovic, bereavement expert. “It comes in waves.” The grieving process takes time and important dates like anniversaries and birthdays can trigger an emotional tsunami. Allow the bereaved to move through that process at his or her own pace, advises Wolfelt. “Don’t force your timetable for healing. Allow them to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain he or she is feeling at the time.” Never say “At least he didn’t suffer,” “At least she made it to her birthday,” or “At least she died doing what she loved” at a funeral Instead, say: “I am here for you.” It’s best to avoid any statements that begin with “at least,” notes Bickerton. These sentiments are often an attempt to make dark days more bearable, but they won’t diminish the pain of losing a loved one. What the person grieving really needs is your quiet presence, says Hadzismajlovic. Check in during the day of the funeral and beyond. “People just want to be heard; to be listened to,” she says. “We say that grief shared is grief lessened.” “Let me know what I can do” is something you should never say at a funeral Instead, say: “Here’s what I can do for you…” This comment places the burden on the bereaved to reach out for help at a time when they likely don’t know what they need, explains Bickerton. Running a few loads of their laundry, tidying their house or yard and preparing meals are just a few ways to genuinely show you care as opposed to merely saying you care. “If they have 38 casseroles, make the 39th,” says Wolfelt. “Deliver it in your best dish and say you will be over in a week to pick it up. This provides you with an opportunity to check in.” Never say “She’s in a better place” at a funeral Instead, say: “She will be missed.” “Most likely, the person grieving is thinking the best place for [the deceased] to be is with them,” says Bickerton. “There’s also a danger of assuming the person ascribes to certain beliefs, which may not be the case.” Simply show your support for your grieving friend, colleague or family member, advises Wolfelt. “At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug often communicates more than words can say.” Never say “It was his time” at a funeral Instead, say: “I am so sorry for the loss of your precious [person’s name].” “This platitude can be particularly upsetting for the grieving person to hear as it implies a reason for the death when they may be feeling the death was senseless or irrational,” says Bickerton. Even if the loved one lived a long, full life, the person grieving would likely have been wishing for many more years together. When expressing your condolence be sure to say the person’s name, advises Wolfelt. “That way the person grieving knows you are genuinely concerned.” Never say “You need to say goodbye” or “Life must go on” at a funeral Instead, say: “He will always be remembered for his generosity/love for his family…” Statements like these tend to minimise the grief journey, says Bickerton. “Life will go on but it will look very different for the person grieving as they adjust to their new normal.” A note that shares a favourite memory or relates the special qualities you valued in the person who has passed is a thoughtful way to express your condolences before or after the funeral, says Wolfelt. “These words will often be a loving gift to the grieving person.” Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/7-things-you-should-never-say-at-a-funeral" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader's Digest</a>.

Caring

“Welcome to reality”: Dad fined for daughter's seatbelt mistake receives little sympathy

A Queensland father has posted a plea for help on social media, after he received two hefty fines adding up to $2,156 for his daughter’s simple seatbelt mistake. The father claimed that he was completely unaware of what his daughter was doing, after cameras caught her wearing her seatbelt incorrectly twice as a passenger. "Just received two x $1078 fines plus total 8 demerit points, only 2 weeks apart for my 13yo daughter not wearing her seatbelt correctly. Had no idea that she was wearing it that way as can’t see from the driver's point of view," he wrote on Facebook. The frustrated dad revealed that his daughter had made the same mistake twice within two weeks and asked whether it was worth taking it to court. He also asked if "any chance of somehow reducing the penalty". According to the <a href="https://www.qld.gov.au/transport/safety/rules/road/seatbelt-rules#:~:text=Everyone%207%20years%20or%20older,are%20not%20frayed%20or%20loose." target="_blank" rel="noopener">Queensland Government</a> fines and demerit points apply for not wearing a seatbelt or wearing it incorrectly, and that drivers “may be fined for each unrestrained or incorrectly restrained passenger in the vehicle”. Dozens of people have responded, but many didn’t sympathise with the dad saying that they both should’ve known better. "You as a driver are responsible for everyone in the car. Perhaps you need to be firm with your daughter. Welcome to reality," commented one person. "She's old enough to know how to wear a seat belt, just give her the fines to pay and she will wear it properly from then on," wrote another. Others have said that they should learn from this mistake and be more aware of the dangers of wearing a seatbelt incorrectly. "Both learn from this and fix the problem for next time before your daughter flies out of the car in a crash," said one person. "I’d suggest you forget about the law and just think of the damage done to your daughter in an accident with the seatbelt worn like this," wrote another. A few others did sympathise and acknowledge that kids can make mistakes despite the adults knowing better. "I feel for you, I caught my 13-year-old doing this and yelled at her," commented one user. "These fines are crippling people. I understand to a certain degree but mistakes are made," wrote another. Image: Facebook

Travel Trouble

Dangerous attractions and revolutionary sympathies: 5 Jane Austen facts revealed by music

<h2>1. Jane Austen played and sang</h2> Jane Austen played the piano from the age of about ten. Her family inherited some of her <a href="https://sites.google.com/site/janeaustensmusic/austen-family-music-books">books of sheet music</a>, including hundreds of manuscripts in her hand as well as printed music. Along with piano music, there are many songs in the collection, and judging by the music we have, she seems to have been a soprano. She could accompany herself, improvising the piano part if necessary. Most of what we know directly about <a href="https://sites.google.com/site/janeaustensmusic/home">Austen’s musicianship</a> relies on the memories of her niece Caroline, who was only 12 when Austen died. Uniquely among her younger relatives, it seems, Caroline actively shared both Austen’s literary and musical interests. Caroline remembers some of the songs Austen sang for her in her last years, and in January 1817, six months before her death, Austen wrote to Caroline, "The Piano Forte often talks of you; – in various keys, tunes & expressions I allow – but be it Lesson or Country dance, Sonata or Waltz, You are really its’ constant theme." <h2>2. Musical women featured in 5 of Austen’s 6 novels</h2> Catherine Morland in <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/50398.Northanger_Abbey">Northanger Abbey</a> happily abandoned her music lessons at an early age, but there are <a href="https://dspace.flinders.edu.au/xmlui/handle/2328/8256">female musical characters</a> in the other five of Austen’s six completed novels. In <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/14935.Sense_and_Sensibility">Sense and Sensibility</a> Marianne Dashwood is the musical one, while her sister Elinor was “neither musical, nor affecting to be so”. Marianne’s music becomes a “nourishment of grief” for her when she is abandoned by Willoughby. Another pair of sisters, Elizabeth and Mary Bennet in <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1885.Pride_and_Prejudice">Pride and Prejudice</a>, are both musicians. In their case, the contrast is between their attitudes to their music-making: Mary insists on playing a “long concerto” at an evening party, while Elizabeth “easy and unaffected, had been listened to with much more pleasure, though not playing half so well”. In <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45032.Mansfield_Park">Mansfield Park</a>, Fanny Price is not musical. Fanny has been brought to Mansfield Park as a young child to be brought up with her rich cousins, Maria and Julia, who are slightly older. Even at the age of ten, she can see that competing with her cousins for accomplishments will be futile, and she refuses to have lessons. Emma Woodhouse doesn’t exactly compete with Jane Fairfax in the music stakes in <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6969.Emma">Emma</a>. Emma knows perfectly well that Jane is much the better musician, and coming to admit that to herself and others is one stage in her faltering journey to maturity. And in <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2156.Persuasion">Persuasion</a>, Anne Elliot is a consummate musician but does not envy the more showy accomplishments of the Musgrove sisters who play the harp, while she is still on the old-fashioned pianoforte. <h2>3. Austen’s musical men are deceitful</h2> All sorts of women can be musical – or not – in Austen’s novels. It tells us something about each of them, but there’s nothing that the musical women have in common – they can be heroines, anti-heroines, dependant orphans, or spoilt rich young women. With the men, things are a bit different. Who are the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/0013838X.2017.1322386">musical men</a> – not just the ones who enjoy music, but those who have some musical skill? There are not many. Willoughby, in Sense and Sensibility, sings duets with Marianne and copies out sheet music for her. In Emma, Frank Churchill sings duets with Emma and with Jane Fairfax at the Coles’ dinner party. What do these two gents have in common, apart from being musicians? They are unreliable and deceitful. <h2>4. Austen heroes fall in love listening to musical women</h2> In Georgian times, the main role of the true gentleman, as far as musicianship is concerned, was to be an appreciative listener. One mark of an Austen hero is listening with enjoyment and attention to the woman who has attracted his interest. More than once, this is the shortest route to falling in love. Colonel Brandon, unlike the rest of the company, pays Marianne “only the compliment of attention” when she is playing the piano in Sense and Sensibility. Mr Darcy’s “dangerous” attraction to Elizabeth is enhanced by music, which gives him an occasion to observe “the fair performer’s countenance”. In Mansfield Park, poor Edmund Bertram is “a good deal in love” after listening to Mary Crawford playing the harp. <h2>5. Austen’s music collection reveals sympathies with Revolutionary France</h2> Although <a href="https://essaysinfrenchliteratureandculture.com/gillian-dooley-jane-austen-and-the-music-of-the-french-revolution-essays-in-french-literature-and-culture-57-2020/">French music</a> is not mentioned in the novels, Austen had several French songs in her collection, some of them overtly political. The husband of Jane’s cousin Eliza was executed by the <a href="https://theconversation.com/a-brief-history-of-the-long-standing-mistrust-between-the-french-people-and-the-elites-165569">Revolutionary</a> government in 1794, so one might expect royalist sympathies. However, the music in her collection provides an interesting new angle. Within a few pages of one of the manuscript books, we find not only a Royalist ballad, and a song lamenting the suffering of Queen <a href="https://theconversation.com/if-i-could-go-anywhere-marie-antoinettes-private-boudoir-and-mechanical-mirror-room-at-versailles-160599">Marie Antoinette</a> as she awaits her fate, but also the music and five verses of words of the Marseillaise, the revolutionary anthem. She chose not to write about it in her novels, but Austen knew very well what was going on over the channel – as her music shows. Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/dangerous-attractions-and-revolutionary-sympathies-5-jane-austen-facts-revealed-by-music-185427" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.

Music

Piers Morgan slams Ukraine’s “sympathy” Eurovision win

Piers Morgan has slammed the winners of the 2022 Eurovision Song Contest, claiming the act from Ukraine won on a “sympathy vote”. The rap group Kalush Orchestra were crowned winners of the annual contest for their song Stefania, with Morgan claiming that their musical talent was not considered in the voting process, but rather that their country is under attack. In a Twitter post, the 57-year-old broadcaster wrote, “Nobody who voted for Ukraine thought it was the best song because it obviously wasn’t anywhere near the best. Even Ukrainians don’t think it was the best song.” “They got the sympathy vote, which is fine as long as we drop the word ‘contest’ from Eurovision.” Morgan also suggested that the contest is a “rigged farce” and suggested Ukraine would have won due to the highly publicised invasion by Russia, regardless of their act. He added in a separate tweet, “The world’s most absurd, pointless, politically-motivated ‘contest’ excels itself. Ukraine could have sent one of its heroic bomb-sniffing dogs to bark the national anthem and still won. Happy for them, but please let’s stop calling #Eurovision a contest... it’s a rigged farce.” Kalush Orchestra frontman Oleh Psiuk thinks that their winning song, which pays tribute to his mother, has been redefined as a rallying cry for Ukraine amid the devastating conflict with Russia. He said, “After it all started with the war and the hostilities, it took on additional meaning, and many people started seeing it as their mother, Ukraine, in the meaning of the country.” “It has become really close to the hearts of so many people in Ukraine.” Image credits: Getty Images

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